Nowadays not even a suicide kills himself in desperation. Before taking the step he deliberates so long and so carefully that he literally chokes with thought. It is even questionable whether he ought to be called a suicide, since it is really thought which takes his life. He does not die with deliberation but from deliberation. Soren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855) I love this quote because it captures everything I am feeling at the moment, I am tormented by my thoughts and I fear they are going to kill me any day now, I am so close and yet I want someone to stop me, the ambivalence is painful, the longing for the pain to subside is painful, feeling like no one understands is painful and just "being" is painful. I don't see solutions, only more problems and more pain around every corner. So, I am not going to mess around or try to make this vague in any way, I am going to kill myself and I feel powerless to stop what I have put into motion. I can continue to try and suppress this feeling, challenge the cognition, but ultimately I arrive back in the same place, I believe I should die. I have screwed up my life beyond repair, and frankly don't deserve to live, things are so messed up they can't be fixed and I can't tell anyone how much trouble I am in because I will only feel more worthless if I do. So, just tell people I died from thinking too much; it wasn't from a self inflicted wound, an overdose, a train or drowning. Tell them the truth. Or, explain to me how I can see things differently, explain how I can find that inner peace and wisdom that used to guide me, that feeling of love and hope that kept me afloat, that strength that kept me alive. I am lost without it. Dear god, someone stop me, this is not how it is supposed to end, there has to be more, I just don't see it anymore.