desperate for someone to stop me

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by swimmergirl, Jul 25, 2009.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Nowadays not even a suicide kills himself in desperation. Before taking the step he deliberates so long and so carefully that he literally chokes with thought. It is even questionable whether he ought to be called a suicide, since it is really thought which takes his life. He does not die with deliberation but from deliberation.

    Soren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855)


    I love this quote because it captures everything I am feeling at the moment, I am tormented by my thoughts and I fear they are going to kill me any day now, I am so close and yet I want someone to stop me, the ambivalence is painful, the longing for the pain to subside is painful, feeling like no one understands is painful and just "being" is painful. I don't see solutions, only more problems and more pain around every corner. So, I am not going to mess around or try to make this vague in any way, I am going to kill myself and I feel powerless to stop what I have put into motion. I can continue to try and suppress this feeling, challenge the cognition, but ultimately I arrive back in the same place, I believe I should die. I have screwed up my life beyond repair, and frankly don't deserve to live, things are so messed up they can't be fixed and I can't tell anyone how much trouble I am in because I will only feel more worthless if I do.

    So, just tell people I died from thinking too much; it wasn't from a self inflicted wound, an overdose, a train or drowning. Tell them the truth.

    Or, explain to me how I can see things differently, explain how I can find that inner peace and wisdom that used to guide me, that feeling of love and hope that kept me afloat, that strength that kept me alive. I am lost without it. Dear god, someone stop me, this is not how it is supposed to end, there has to be more, I just don't see it anymore.
     
  2. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I'm so so sorry you are feeling so much pain. I feel similarly, like I've reached a dead end, everything was once so beautiful and bright but I've screwed it all up. And the worst of it is I have deliberated about it a lot, and I just feel like it makes logical sense for me to die. Some nights the pain is so much that I feel like I cannot possibly go on and it will kill me.. but so far I am still alive, the suicidal thoughts get stronger and stronger, but I'm still trying desperately to turn things around.

    I'm guessing that from that quote maybe you read some? Apart from my therapy, my latest alternative to medication - naturopathic treatment - and other ways of taking care of myself; exercise, taking a brief leave of absence from school, eating well, focusing on getting sleep, etc... I have been trying to read in order to bring peace and gosh, maybe even joy, back into my life. I no longer believe in God so the Bible doesn't do it for me, but I have been reading a lot of philosophical wisdom pertaining to living life with tranquility, acceptance, joy, and meaning. I particularly focus on Taoist texts. They teach to flow with nature and accept things that are out of control, and look inward for peace. But is this a route you'd want to take? I really think spending a good amount of time taking in somebody else's wisdom could help. Apart from that... take care of yourself with therapy, medicine, and general good health.

    I hope this helps. But just know that I feel similarly, you're not in this alone... and this is the route I'm trying to take to heal. Maybe it'll work for you, maybe not, but I think anything's worth a try when its life that's at steak.

    You'll be in my thoughts. :hugtackles:
     
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I too have found my inner peace in Eastern Philosophy (Hinduism, Taoism and Buddhism) like elvinchild so highly recommend it. It has given me a way to look at life and it particular my depression, or as the Buddhists call it suffering or the Hindus call it maya.

    I think the fact there was a time that you felt that inner peace is your strongest resource right now...hold on to it for you know that it is possible.


    You seem to be gone now so I will wait till you come back to write more but I truly believe you have hope as you had that inner peace once before. I will drop you a PM to in case you don't check back here.

    Take care of yourself ...there is hope and peace is possible.

    Love and hugs B
     
  4. evilperson

    evilperson Well-Known Member

    Suicide is when your ability to cope with the pain overrides your longing for life. That is all. I believe that you are feeling like this, that you want somebody to stop you, because all you want is the pain to stop. No?
    If this is the case, the best way is to call a suicide hotline and tell them how you are feeling, or go to the doctor and tell them how you are feeling. Sometimes it is best to check yourself into the psychiatric emergency ward. They look at it much better than if you come into them half dead and they have to ressusatate (sp?) you. I've done both before and option a is definately better for everybody.

    You can't swim this ocean alone anymore. But it's good that you're holding out your hands, we're there to grab them. But you need more help than that, and professional social workers, psychologists etc. are those that can help you solve those problems. Don't give up - reach out for help. It's there, I promise.
     
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    i think all of you have made some really insightful and helpful suggestions and I appreciate them all. I am fighting this, sometimes though it just gets to be too much and I need help and it is hard to ask for help and not just rely on myself. I think there is a fine balance between independence and dependence though, and I am trying to find it and make it work for me. It is so good to hear that I am not alone in this, sometimes I forget that and start thinking that I am teh ONLY one who feels this way, but I am not. Thank you.
     
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