Desperate, helpless, extremely lonely and just want to stay asleep...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ImJustWaiting, Dec 6, 2011.

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  1. ImJustWaiting

    ImJustWaiting New Member

    I am a lost cause. I hope I can effectly convey why I am so depressed but knowing me I will probably fail at that simple task also. I am a 25 year old male from a very professional family (Father is a neurosurgeon, mother is a physician, brother is a lawyer, sister is a dermatologist, even most of the extended family fall somewhere into law or medicine and then there is me who is a 25 year old community college dropout who has never had a job. I am an absolute embarrassment to my entire family and I don't think anyone would even question it once if they heard of my demise. My family would probably be relieved that the last time they have to support my pathetic ass would be covering my funeral expenses. I have been severely depressed since i was about 13, was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder at 18 after I dropped out and have been to a series of cognitive therapists and psychiatrists who have not helped me one iota. Over the past 7 or so years I have been on Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, Prozac, Luvox and Effexor, all of which did nothing but make me clench my teeth, sweat profusely, suffer with daily restless leg syndrome and kill my sex drive (the one benefit). Because I have been homebound for years I have lost all my social contacts, am still a virgin, have never even kissed a girl and am basically still a 12 year old in terms of social skills and sexual development. I contribute these problems to basically having zero self esteem my entire life, but in all honesty I have nothing to even be self confident about. I am not as intelligent or skilled as my family, have no talents, am very shy, I am physically ugly being only 5'5", "skinny-fat", still suffering with cystic acne and now on top of everything i am rapidly losing my fucking hair. It just never ends. The loneliness is the most crippling thing, but realistically how can I even expect someone to love me like this? My lack of ambition and motivation even disgusts me but I am to weak to do anything about it. And I don't mean to offend anyone offering advice but I just don't have the energy to go /fitness or /mensfashon or /seddit and attempt the massive undertaking of trying to learn and fail miserably at what I should have been doing at age 14. I just don't have the strength to run the gauntlet of life and try to fix myself when I am at such a disadvantage at this point. I can and will never be normal. If I continue living I will carry the weight of my haunted past around with me forever. I basically spend my days on the internet trying to distract myself between crying spells. I suppose at this point I am just rambling and don't really know where I am going with this. I have done a good amount of research on methods of self deliverance and have had one in particular picked out for the past few months now but my biggest fear is somehow even fucking that up and having my family find my unconscious body in a pool of my own vomit then suffer the embarrassment of being taken to the hospital for even more mental screening and shaming. I feel like I have basically squandered away any options I had in life and as pathetic as it sounds I just have two things left I would like to experience. One is to visit an escort who will be willing just to patiently walk me through the experience of sex, from kissing to the actual act just so I almost know what it is like to be loved by someone on that level. Sadly though in order to do this properly I would need to give my information to a screening agency but I don't have any employment or school resources for them to check out. Two is to inject heroin, just to feel completely alive for once in my life. From everything I have read it is hands down the best feeling in the world and at this point I have nothing to lose so I don't fear addiction or overdose. I realize I will probably have to try this twice becasue I hear the first one can just make you sick. For anyone who took the time to read my terribly written post, thank you and for whatever reason you may be on this site I hope you find peace and happiness. Just writing this out has helped me feel a little lighter than years of therapy if that makes any sense...
     
  2. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I was about to log out for the day, IJW, and something told me to click on your post before I did. I'm so sorry that you're suffering. It's not fair and you absolutely don't deserve it. I first want to tell you that I'm so glad you decided to reach out. I think you'll find SF to be a friendly and understanding community, and I hope you'll count me among your many friends here who truly care about you and hope you survive. Since we are all struggling with feelings of depression and suicidal tendencies, there's sort of this "we're all in this together" vibe that (at least for me) really helps. I definitely relate to being the "black sheep" of the family, and I know how hard it can be to feel like the "odd one out". I know it's hard to recognize your good qualities when you are feeling like this, but you do have them. And I know that once you learn to recognize what's good in you without filtering it through the accomplishments of your family members, you will see that there is something beautiful in everyone, and you're no exception. I can tell you right now, you seem very well spoken and your writing and your story drew me in. I think most of us here would want you as a friend, I know I do! From what you've written, I can tell that your compassion shines through, even in your darkest moments (when some of us would be understandably incapable of empathy). As for the two things left that you want to experience. As for sex, have you considered match.com or another dating site? I know... you just want to experience sex, but it might be worth exploring... you just might surprise yourself. Either way, be safe. As a former addict, and a new friend who really does care, I hope you'll scratch Heroin off your list. My drug of choice was cocaine, but I saw many friends lives destroyed by heroin... it's never, never worth it I promise you. Heroin will simply become your new reason for living... and trust me when I tell you, you'll regret every minute of it. I hope you'll give yourself a chance and give us a chance to know you. As I mentioned, I'm logging out for the day, but please feel free to message me anytime you need a friend. I promise to respond as soon as I get your message. It will get better! Sending hugs and friendship... :console:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2011
  3. jackofspades

    jackofspades New Member

    "Just writing this out has helped me feel a little lighter than years of therapy if that makes any sense..." I totally understand that. Support from your peers and fellow sufferers is the best way to not only get things off your chest but to compare your situation with others, and maybe come to the realisation that you are not by any means alone. You need to understand that this is your one life- this is it. You need to focus all your emotional efforts on tackling each of your problems. You need to try EVERYTHING, and realize what a tragedy it would be to allow yourself to be unhappy for the rest of your life.
     
  4. ImJustWaiting

    ImJustWaiting New Member

    Thanks for the help guys, I just don't really even know where to start fixing myself. It just seems too daunting. This time of year is always very, very dark for me. Being surrounded by my family makes me feel extremely alone, even more so than when I am actually alone. I have always been curious about dating sites but then reality slaps me in the face and I realize I really don't even know what I could ever offer anybody as a partner. I don't have an income, have a ton of mental baggage, am unattractive and completely inexperienced. I have read people tend to chose dates on those sites based on pictures...well my best picture isn't going to get me any dates... I wish I could stop wasting time or do something I could enjoy but I just don't know how...
     
  5. Irene L

    Irene L Member

    Wow! Can I ever relate to your post. I am a 42 female that has never had sex either. I feel like a kid too. I have missed learning a lot as well, like how to kiss, cuddle, just getting to first base. I know nothing of this. I to have considered a escort so I could just experience sex. I have always wanted kids but now my biological clock is running out. I too just want to give up. I have no friends. Boy you really share a lot of the same
    things I do. I too am a burden on all the people who have tried to help and who are still trying.

    Just wanted to let you know I read your post and that others feel the same as you do. Sorry I can t help you as I can't even help myself these days. I do hope that you keep fighting though as at 25 you still have a while life to live and you are still young enough to learn everything you still have to learn.
     
  6. Irene L

    Irene L Member

    Wow! Can I ever relate to your post. I am a 42 female that has never had sex either. I feel like a kid too. I have missed learning a lot as well, like how to kiss, cuddle, just getting to first base. I know nothing of this. I to have considered a escort so I could just experience sex. I have always wanted kids but now my biological clock is running out. I too just want to give up. I have no friends. Boy you really share a lot of the same
    things I do. I too am a burden on all the people who have tried to help and who are still trying.

    Just wanted to let you know I read your post and that others feel the same as you do. Sorry I can t help you as I can't even help myself these days. I do hope that you keep fighting though as at 25 you still have a while life to live and you are still young enough to learn everything you still have to learn.
     
  7. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly the same way about this time of year (I think you'll find that most of us here do), and am right there with you with feeling more alone with family than when I'm actually alone. It sucks that so many of us can't experience the joy that is supposed to naturally come with "family holidays", but you're definitely not alone in your feelings. I just sort of grit my teeth and take it one day at a time this time of year. As far as dating, I think the primary issue is NOT your flaws and shortcomings (believe me, everyone has them), but your confidence. It may seem like everyone else out there who has found love has this picture perfect life, but that is absolutely not the case. There are many potential mates out there who struggle with the same issues (real and perceived) that you struggle with, and who would love to find someone who shares their struggle. And know that the person you are right now at 25 is almost certainly not the person you are "doomed" to be. If you're interested in becoming more independent, since a lot of what you like involves the internet, maybe it would be worth looking into training in IT, web design or some other behind the scenes technology career. Of course you're probably not terribly motivated to take big steps to improve your life right now, and that's OK and understandable (some days it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning... I get it!). So maybe just take some baby steps. Start by making a commitment to be kinder to yourself. Ban the words "ugly" and "unattractive" from your inner dialogue. Work on finding little things to love and appreciate about yourself (there are many... you just have to get past your self-loathing to be able to see it for yourself). Then start doing a little research every day on ways that you can improve your life and your future. The more that you can do to become independent, the less you will be forced to constantly compare yourself to them. I know it's hard... I'm at a low point myself right now, and I'm notoriously bad at practicing what I preach. But know that I truly do believe in you, and I hope that we both find the strength to overcome our circumstances. Sending hugs and friendship... :console:
     
  8. ImJustWaiting

    ImJustWaiting New Member

    Thanks for your support everyone. I'm glad I had this forum to come back to just now. I went out to take care of a few things and I don't know whats wrong with me but I think I must be having panic attacks. On the way back home I just broke down and now my chest feels really heavy and hot and my scalp is burning... I just want to stop feeling. I don't even know what really set me off... maybe it was seeing people shopping with their significant others, or the fact that I could barely look an attractive, young, female cashier in the eye. It's all just so foreign to me, I've never experienced any of it. Just thinking about my lost youth makes me sick to my stomach.
     
  9. Simon22

    Simon22 Member

    Hmm thanks for sharing this wonderful post really like ur post it is quite helpful discussion in this thread thanks u so much for the impressive post......
     
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