Desperate & Hopeless

[Ayuria]

I am really becoming completely desperate and hopeless. I feel like I've had this internal survivor/suicidal struggle for so long now, and I just really can't see anything getting better.

I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't know why I feel this way, or think this way. I don't know why everything keeps hurting and every day feels like such a horrific and painful struggle.

I wake up in the morning and wish I didn't wake up. I get up and go to work, and am not sure if I'll make it to the end of the day, or the next day. I dread the 'tomorrow', the future.

I have had therapy, and I've been on loads of medications, I have been hosptialised 3 times and I think I am seriously out of options.

I feel like every day being alive is like fingernails on a chalkboard against me.

I am tried of struggling, I am tried of fighting, I am tired of waking up, I am tried of being scared, of being hopeless, of being exhausted. I am tired of trying. I dont want to try anymore. I dont want anything in life anymore.

I dont know what to do. I dont know how to fix it. I dont know what the answer is anymore. I dont think that there is even an answer. I dont know where to go anymore for help.

I feel like I am becoming increasingly hysterical, as each day goes on. And this feels like its been going on for so long. I dont know where to go, or what to do. I can't find any relief.

*sobs*

Ayuria.

 

[Speedy]

Hi Ayuria,

I've enjoyed getting to meet you in chat again. It's nice to see you post for the first time on these forums. I've had three separate hospitalizations as well, so I can sort of understand the frustrations involved in not feeling better after all the work you have put in. I don't know what else to say other than to send you my best regards. If I can help in any way, let me know. With caring...Alex

 

[windlepoons]

Ayuria, are your thoughts specific or just generally unpleasant and depressing?
I hope this site can help you.

 

[Ayuria]

It seems like a feeling before any thoughts and then it turns into thoughts. The feelings are general despair and I physically feel crushed by the enormity of them. I have PTSD symptoms as well and things build and build until I feel
panic towards everything from how to get to the next moment to how I will manage to keep working. I get waves of the emotions and they feel like they hit me from behind and I can't move. I spend a lot of time fighting against all of it as I feel like if I dont that something will happen. The fighting against myself about what I shouldn't do is wearing me out and I just can't continue like this.

 

[Speedy]

You are in my thoughts. I hope you keep talking here if it helps. I know that sounds routine to say, but I mean it, and you're nice to talk to in chat etc.

 

[Endlessagony]

I feel pretty much the same as you right now. I'm also completely powerless to do anything about it. I wish I could help but I can't, just know that you're not alone with those feelings.

 

[windlepoons]

PTSD is understood now (I believe), can you get help for it?
I had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (there are many types, I think I had Restructuring) but it took a while to work, up to a year.

You are very strong, do you have any real-life support?

 

[Ayuria]

Hi. I came out of hospital two months ago and have a psychiatrist who I don't like and have stopped seeing. Exposure therapy has been forced on me for the PTSD and has not been successful. I have done some cbt and act in the past. I recently started to see a new therapist who is more holistic and gentler (gestalt therapy) but I'm afraid of unleashing all of this on him. Other than that I live overseas so no family and struggle to find much comfort from any friends. My supports are limited and I isolate myself.

 

[windlepoons]

Oh dear, Exposure therapy can be brutal, whatever its for.
Please, do not be afraid to open up to your therapist. It's what they are there for.
Friends can support you even if its just watching a film together, at last that is what I would do.

Self-isolation - please believe you are worth knowing.

 

[LightInTheDarkestNight]

Hey ayuria I enjoyed our short chat the other morning. I'm sorry life has been so hard on you. I do have many symptoms of PTSD myself and it's certainly not pleasant so even though our situations may be quite different I feel I can relate to you a fair amount.

Lacking support certainly makes things harder you deserve a great support network and I hope you don't isolate yourself too much.

I've seen a decent amount of exposure therapy on this TV show obsessed and it can be extremely hard for some people. PTSD and OCD are related in the sense they commonly occur after a traumatic event. I hope your new therapist can make great strides with you and you shouldn't worry about unleashing it all on him.

You're a strong lady for persevering through so much I'm sending you my best wishes that you experience more happiness and less sadness and pain you deserve an easier life.

 

[Ayuria]

I just want to feel like life is worth living. I think the thought actually that I have is that my existence is kind of meaningless and I see no value in myself. I can justify that through the isolation, and then that makes it a bit easier to be considering suicide as an option.

Exposure therapy works for some, but not generally for trauma victims. It certainly has not helped me, and my trauma symptoms are no better off. I just try and replace the memories in my head with something else, or I just constantly fight them. Its that constant fighting that is so exhausting...

Sigh. I really dont know anymore.

But I appreciate everyones responses, thank you.

ayuria.

 

[windlepoons]

I am sorry you had a trauma.
While I do not know what sort of trauma you had, trying to replace it in your thoughts sounds sensible, is that a recognised therapeutic technique?

I know what you mean about life being worth living. Often it seems not these days.