Desperate Parent

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Papa Bear, Sep 17, 2007.

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  1. Papa Bear

    Papa Bear New Member

    My 16-year old son has been threatening suicide for over a month now. At one point he had set a date and made a plan, so we brought him to th ER and they admitted him. He spent a week in the mental health unit, got put on some anti-depressants and some anti-axiety meds, and started talking with psychiatrists. We have talked alot and I keep trying to impress upon him the good things in his life, but he is stubborn and refuses to believe that his life will ever get any better, really. So today I learned that he has another plan and a date set! He just got pulled out of school and will be off to the ER again - probably will end up in the MHU again. I can't tell if he is doing this because of all the attention it seems to be getting him or if he is serious. Can anybody offer words of advice to this desperate parent?:blub:
     
  2. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I don't have any advice for you, but I think you're doing the right thing. :hug:
     
  3. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    I am unable of relating to a parent, who must feel like being trapped between a rock and a hard place. The sense of powerlessness you might be experiencing must be very draining. I'm asking you to continue sharing your worries and thoughts here in this forum.

    Unfortunately, I'm in no position to advise you on how to best deal with your suicidal son, but these pointers might be useful

    http://www.troubledwith.com/ParentingTeens/DepressionSuicide.cfm
    http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/suicide.html
    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm

    Please keep the forum members informed. *distant hug*
     
  4. SpareTire

    SpareTire Well-Known Member

    I have no room to talk either Because I have know training in this but, perhaps finding out why he thinks this is the only way out. And then offer suggestions to make it better set some LIFE goals and help him accomplish those goals. Start small. A lot might be problems from other kids that his to proud to admit, and if you find it is try a after school program....together. If it's school it self try working with him at home on it, start with stuff you know he knows, but he might thinks it's knowledge your not aware of. so you can praise him for that. He's your son, he's alot like you by nature, put yourself one step ahead THINK YOUR REMARKS BEFORE YOU SAY THEM. And of course put your self in his shoe's, what would you wanna hear or see, with out getting mad or shrugging it off. Those are things a shrink will NEVER be able to do. And I also think that not talking about his threats might be good, you wanna know and be happy for everything he does ( but not overboard ) but the threats are not condoned, observed, but not condoned. And lastly I don't know if either of you was ever exposed to religion but I am a Christian and never practice it but the one thing that I had instilled in my head as a kid and has always been in my mind and has kept me alive today is that suicide is the ultimate sin, worse the mass murder, rape whatever. Straight to the pits of hell no question's asked. Murder has the ability to justify yourself at the gates, Suicide it's over, your done..................
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Attention seeking or otherwise you have to take this seriously. 16 can be a very difficult age and many teenage suicides have happened because no one thought they were serious.
    God being a parent can suck sometimes :sad:
     
  6. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    The important thing to remember here is that no matter how much a suicidal person seems to have to live for, no matter how many good things you can point out in their lives and no matter how silly their reasons may seem to you, they are not silly reasons to the person who is suicidal.

    You have to assume he's serious. Honestly, I don't think he'd tell you anything about it if some part of him didn't want help. Suicide is almost never a rational decision and that's the only thing that keeps a lot of people from doing it. They know they don't really want to die. They're just so desperate to escape from some situation that they feel trapped in that they can't see any other way out. Often, people will spend large amounts of time trying to rationalize it as an escape.....to the point to where thinking about suicide can become an escape in and of itself.

    But whatever you do, you should talk to him and ask him what is bothering him. Reassure him that you won't just blow it off. A lot of times, suicidal people reach out to people they know or love and the person tries to make them see that their situation isn't so bad. This, in my opinion is wrong. Take his problems seriously and acknowledge them as problems that need to be resolved. Offer your help but don't try and force him. Some people are suicidal because they feel like they're in an impossible situation. Caught between a rock and a hard place. You don't want him to feel like you're just another force pushing him into a corner. Believe me, I speak from personal experience.

    Sometimes the issues are not evident. You may think it's no big deal but if it's making him suicidal, it definitely is a big deal to him. I wish you luck.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2007
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear your son is feeling this way. You must always take them seriously. Even if it is attention he wants, there is something behind that need. Is there something at school that is bothering him? Seeking help for him is the best thing you can do. Check into the school situation though. He may not be willing to share about that. I am glad you are showing an interest in him. So many parents now wait for everyone else to fix things for them. Don't give up. :hug:
     
  8. mango_goose

    mango_goose Active Member

    16yrs old!!! GEEZ i can remember when i was that young... it wasnt that long ago LOL
    Anyways, I used to get suicidal and i had so many plans, I also made so many attempts....
    He is very lucky to have you, you seem like you really care for him....
    I was stubborn when i was that age to... I thought everyone was wrong... I wouldnt listen to the social workers cuz there lives were just so good and how could they relate to what i was going through...
    HE probably thinks the same thing of you that i thought...
    All ya can do is support him and keep an eye on him...
     
  9. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Thank you for paying so much attention to your son, hope things will improve, you and your son are in my thoughtsw and prayers,
    :hug:
    Beret xxx
     
  10. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    I also agree with the comment that young people usually feel like adults can't relate to them. You have to try and make him see that you remember what it was like and you can understand what he's going through. In a way that (hopefully) doesn't seem condescending, of course. That can be hard because adults often have a hard time remembering what it was like to be that age......especially if they had a relatively easy time adjusting to all the changes, social stresses and so forth.

    If he doesn't want to talk to you, you probably shouldn't try and force it. Just let him know he can come to you at any time.
     
  11. Azul

    Azul Well-Known Member

    I can't offer any advice but it would be best to maybe make sure life is kind of easy for him right now. If school is his trouble, get him to stay home. Talk a lot. Be very open about yourself and how the world is. Anti depressants have been known to help people. At that age one is very impulsive...
    I wish you and your family all the best.
     
  12. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    one thing to keep an eye on is any anti-depressant. my teenager was put on them last year and the dr's were very vigilant to my daughter should she turn suicidal. anti-depressants in teenagers is very possible to turn them suicidal so i would keep an eye on this. i have two teenagers and i know how difficult it can be. it's good you're hangin' with him please continue to do so, that's probably the most important thing you can do. well, that and continuing to get him in for help. any further questions don't be afraid to pm. i will do my best to help. please take care.
     
  13. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Im not a parent either but I can tell you what I wish my mother had done for me when I was that age, which was some 24 years ago, obviously Im a bit of a mummies boy, but it applies to dad too.

    Working on the premise that I thought my parents didn't understand me and knew nothing about anything or how I felt or about my and life in general, which at the time was nearly true, being a gay youth with all the torment that bring to someone least able to cope with it.

    I wish she had;

    Sat me down and told me how much she loved me
    Held me in her arms and told me I could tell her anything
    Listened to what I had to say with out saying any thing
    Talked back to me without being judgmental
    Made me feel I could tell her what was wrong, with out repercusions
    Made me feel like I was an adult and not being talked down to
    Shown me that no matter what it was, she would still love me
    Been completly open and honest with her heart, so I could be with mine
    Made me feel that she could understand what I was going through, even if she really couldn't
    Make me feel that I could trust her, because at the time I thought I couldnt
    Got me to talk without it turning into an argument, because I didn't really want to talk to her
    Helped me find the answers, not tell me what the answers were
    Made me right things down in a letter to her if I couldn't bring myself to say it
    Wrote a letter to me saying these things if she couldn't say it
    Cried in front of me as much as I had cried away from her, to show me how much she really cared
    Let me know that I could trust her, no matter what the problem was
    Let me know that no matter how bad I felt , no matter what time of day or night it was, I could go to her and she would be there for me.
    Make me feel that apart from being my mum, she could be a really good friend
    Let me know it ok not to be perfect, every one has problems, even her
    Not trivialised something that turned out to be a massive issue for me
    Not put me in a position, where I had to bottle everything up and walk away
    Not made me feel like I was not normal
    Not made me put barrieres between us
    Not made me love her less
    Not made me hurt more

    I'm not sure if that helps or not, I suppose some of you are thinking that this may be a little cruel, but It's most definately not intended that way, being a parent is a difficult job, you get no instructions and as much as I love my parents, for me, neither of them where there for me when I needed them most, or are now even, but the worst thing of all, is that neither of them have any clue as to the mistakes they made, even today, they dont know how much they hurt me back then, and would be devistated to find out.

    Who am I to spoil that beatiful picture of the past they have, little do they know how close they came to losing me, lots of my friends and family know Im gay but not my parents, even though I'm 40!

    What went wrong ? I didn't trust them enough to tell them I was gay, something they had always ridiculed and made clear was not acceptable, the trouble was they were talking about me, their son.

    I really do hope with all my heart you can help your son find what it is that he needs to make him feel better.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2007
  14. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Was going to tell some off for a portion of their post, but thought better of it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2007
  15. SpareTire

    SpareTire Well-Known Member

    Well, I see that it reads different then what I was thinking when I typed it, I wasn't suggesting saying those things to him, it was merely an idea to try religion as a family, and things of that nature will come up. It's helped some................ never mind, I would delete the post but I can't.
     
  16. aloneEliza

    aloneEliza Active Member

    Being depressed and suicidal isn't a choice ("he REFUSES to believe his life will get any better".) You need to acknowledge to him that his feelings, though you don't understand them, are legitimate, and help him cope with them.
     
  17. Papa Bear

    Papa Bear New Member

    :eek:hmy:WOW! Thank you all for your responses, support, and suggestions!!! It was amazing to see all of the posts blossom from my little note. I must admit that while most of the time my wife and I are doing most of the things that have been suggested, it is as "Trip the Dark..." says, "very draining". I am generally pretty good at empathizing with my son as I seem to remember my teen years rather vividly, so I do my best to be understanding, caring, and non-judgemental. But I am his father too and it is VERY frustrating that I can't seem to make him see how much he means to me and many other people. I loose my cool sometimes and that too is frustrating because I feel like I'm going backward as fast as he is at those times - and I know that's not what he needs from me.

    My son feels like he doesn't fit in, and he has lost his faith on his journey at this time. That is very difficult for me because I always had my faith to fall back on for support. I could always take my fears to God and know that God would listen - maybe not answer the way I wanted, but listen! I think my son is trying to find faith, but he is struggling because he has the ability to argue himself out of any faith I can show him.

    We are all working together to help him as much as we can with medicine, counsellors, psychiatrists, and clergy. I only hope that we are not too late or that he can find the WILL to get better, because I know he can. I know how much his future can hold for him if he can find his way through the darkness and back into the lightness of being.

    Our biggest concern now is that he is scaring many of his friends, classmates, and family with his seeming obsession with suicidal thoughts, including developing a plan (though he continues to maintain that the date is fairly nebulous yet). By asking him to stop talking about it with friends and classmates and trying to use us and his other adult proffessionals for this, will we be isolating his feelings and make him feel even more trapped? If we let him continue, how do we handle the consequences when the school calls and says that he is planning suicide and want to put him back in the hospital?

    Again, thank you ALL for your support. Even when someone's comments seem biting or inappropriate, there is always some truth to be found within the comments and in searching we can always find something useful or helpful. Bless you all!:smile:
     
  18. SpareTire

    SpareTire Well-Known Member

    This is VERY true, I found that some of the best advice I have got over the years has been the advice that has hurt the most, the hardest to hear, and the toughest to fallow. Now I find myself regretting advise I never took because it would have been to painful to do. Papa Bear, I wish I knew what to say to help, it sounds like you are doing your best and everything possible, I wish you luck. Sorry I can't help more right now. Maybe you can try somehow and refer him to SF, maybe he might read something here he can relate to, and confide in. I might think about rereading what you have said thus far to see if he would know if it was you. He might be with drawn if he knew you were in here already. Just have those remarks deleted (if any), and keep your status other wise. It also may be a bad idea, I don't know your son. Bring it up to the therapist first to see what they think. Just another dopey idea I have. Keep posting, I would like to know how everything is going.
     
  19. heidy

    heidy New Member

    i think you'd better take it seriously rather than not.. as if he is serious, he might do it and it would be sad... i can relate to your son really.. at first i was threatening suicide for attention as my mom never cared for me, at least that's what i thought.. i never thought it was a problem that I had and not others... and i really did try but she got in my room just in time! .. sometimes i wish i did it, sometimes i feel lucky.... since then my mom takes me to the doc and though lots of those medicines they give me do not work at all, i'm hoping i'll get better... i can't see how... i don't know how... but i just wish!!! i'll be on parnate soon.. lexapro, xanax has not been working for me! :( :( :( and now i read at http://www.drugdelivery.ca/s3929-s-PARNATE.aspx that there are side effects and i'll have to follow a diet! :( life is so unfair, why am i not normal, why am i not like others of my age?/
     
  20. aloneEliza

    aloneEliza Active Member

    Please don't force your son to participate in religious activities he doesn't believe in.

    My first suicide attempt came after some "CHristians" harassed me for believing differently than they do.
     
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