Desperate; please help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alistair Inglis, Mar 24, 2013.

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  1. My Name's Alistair. I'm 50 and live in England. I've suffered from depression/depressive issues for 32 years and it's currently the most malevolent ever felt by me. I've been seconded to hospital 6 times in my life, had no work since 2002, will probably never lead a normal lifestyle from (at least) this point onwards and my weight has ballooned 11 stone since the Spring of 2004. I'm studying for a second-class science degree (and failing all the papers of late). I used to write stories and poetry and now can't even recall even simple constructs of creativity.

    I constantly compare myself to classmates and former friends (many of whom disappeared in 2002, when my diagnosis was upgraded from depression). They're all achieved, successful, professional people and I'm an unemployable bum gone from bad to worse. I've NEVER felt this desperate, lacking sleep and verbally raging with perfect/perfectly polite strangers. I've been wary of suicide recently, due to religious beliefs; now even these don't demonise my fears.

    Can anyone help? I feel so embarrassed typing this, in case it's considered inappropriate to any degree (particularly for a first post).

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Aly,and your first post was one of the best...I know how it feels to lose the life one had to an unfair that the 'sick' person becomes abandoned...but here, we are a community that holds on to each other..a bum? You sound like a highly intelligent, caring can that be considered 'a bum'? Please continue to post and tell us what is going on...many of us have walked a similar path, I am sure...welcome again...with caring
  3. Thank you for your kind words, there's so much ongoing at the moment. I'm constantly tormented by memories of people from a previous life (and one in particular who was very dear to me). I moved countries within the UK 17 years ago and have done nothing but fail ever since; losing jobs (or being forcibly removed). I can't cope, it's really that simple and all I hear (from apparently well-meaning people) is that I need to be joyful (with a 'new song of praise' usually). They're not experiencing this themselves, that's the problem. My marriage is dying and we're heading for divorce if the disagreements keep coming as per present. I'm lost and don't know where I went wrong or when; still less how to repair a life led into the wilderness against my will. It's just a cycle of sinking and I'm being dragged down with the ship. I have however, had a cry and feel slightly relieved for so doing.

  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Ally
    welcome to sf. I am sorry you have been suffering for so long. I do want to let you know that you have found a good place to come and be yourself. No one will dishonor you for what you write. Because we all have stories. so you are amongst friends here. And you can feel free to write what you need to write.

    So many of us have felt the degredation of people turning from us because of illness. Of wanting us to smile or snap out of it etc. There even is a popular thread here just dedicated to that. too many people do not understand. For what its worth, I am always comparing myself to people. Very ashamed of my challenges. You called yourself a bum. But that is not acurate. The pain etc have made it so functioing on a certain level is not possible at this time. For me, and many others here it is the same. I can understand why you judge yourself. But I do hope that somewhere inside you can see that you are not the condition that you suffer with. you are a good intelligent sensitive man. And the condition keeps you from functioning on a level that you aspire to. Painful. But it does not make you a bum :hug: Are you in currently in counselling ?

    Please keep posting here, if you want. You are a very welcomed addition to the sf community.
  5. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Good morning Alastair, I understand a little as I can say " Me too" to much of what you say. I've found SF extremely helpful. If I can help on practical details or suggestions on help or support irl please PM me.
  6. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry you have been suffering for so long and you have been in hospital various times That must be so tough of you emotionally, just remember you are not alone there are lot of us suffering in the same boat as you understand and know how it feels. Remember to stay strong you can finally beat this and don't let it beat you.
  7. Thank you all for your kind support; much appreciated and my mood is better today.

  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Ally, I am glad your mood was better. I hope today brings some relief for you as well. AND I hope you will post here often. Because for many it really can help a lot.
  9. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    "you are not the condition that you suffer with. you are a good intelligent sensitive man"

    Hi Ally;

    I wanted to second what flowers said in an earlier post. You are clearly a good-hearted and very intelligent person. (Trust me. I am a very good judge of character! - except when I am judging myself....)

    So many of us fall into the trap of thinking that we don't like ourselves because we are bad people. Not true. Simply put, we don't like ourselves because we have an illness that poisons our minds and clouds our judgement.

    "how to repair a life led into the wilderness against my will" - very nicely put by the way! From one writer to another I can tell that you have not lost your creativity. Please try to keep going with the stories and poetry. Writing has proven to be my solace and sanctuary on more occasions than I care to remember.

    Take care and please keep posting if you feel it helps.
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