Desperate to Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ScarlettHurts1990, Apr 27, 2015.

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  1. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    I am having a particularly rough week. I've been actively suicidal for 8 months now and I mean it when I say that every moment alive and breathing is absolute agony. When I wake up, I'm so mentally disoriented it's like I have a hangover. I have panic attacks and anxiety a lot. My depression is the worst and I feel like shit 100% of the time with NO relief at all. This time last year I might have been the happiest person on earth but a lot of terrible shit happened to me including an extremely painful break-up. I can't get over my ex, as they were the love of my life and I was only healthy in my relationship with them, never before and obviously not after. Every night I pray to God or whatever is up there to just take me because I cannot deal with my emotional pain anymore. I am dreadfully homesick for college as it was the only place I thrived at and was happy and well. Without all of those clubs and honor societies and A's, I don't know who I am. I quit grad school last semester because I got too depressed to continue (I was going to be a mental health counselor JOKES ON ME) and all of the professors know I had a complete mental breakdown. I was forced to move home because I cannot pay off my bills on my own and still afford to live by myself (I was previously living with my ex). I hate being back in this dead-ass town and with my mother and grandmother. I love them and all but they don't understand me. I feel that no one does. I feel so helpless and isolated. I feel like everybody is dying- look at that earthquake in Nepal- over 4,000 people are dead! It truly saddens my empathic heart and I cannot bear this planet. It's gone to hell completely. There was a bad car accident on a highway literally 10 mins away from me that I ALWAYS drive down and two people are dead- this happened yesterday. It's terrifying how quickly everything can end, all in the blink of an eye. I am no longer seeing the point to life at all. I feel that I am just waiting to die at this point. Last night I had stomach cramps so bad I was doubled over in pain and I thought, 'this is it, this is the end, I think I'm going to die tonight" and I felt some relief in that thought. I even texted my ex that I loved her because I wanted the last thing I said to her to be meaningful. But I fucking woke up this morning and I am so angry that I did. I'd rather just die already. There is no point to life or the world and everything is just meaningless. I very much want to commit suicide by pills and alcohol. It would be easy to accomplish it. I think of drowning myself in pills all of the time. Why do innocent people who want to live have to die and I'm still here when I don't want to be! Seems fucked up to me. Everything about this world is so fucked up honestly and I want out.
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry you're having such a rotten time right now. I know what you mean about praying that you won't wake up - I do that frequently myself. Are you getting any treatment at all? You mention that you had a complete mental breakdown - what kind of help did you get for that? I had one myself recently so know what it is like to suddenly have life derailed. It's very hard and it takes awhile to get back on your feet. Right now it sounds like you are kind of at a loss, not knowing what to do next.

    You're obviously a big hearted person and the world needs more people like you. I hope you are able to make it back to grad school, because it sounds like you were on the right track there. If you are so worried about this group of professors, maybe you could transfer to a different school? With your empathy, you would be a great mental health counselor and your own experience will help you understand on a gut level what other people are going through. Even if you don't make it back, you have a lot to offer. Is there any kind of volunteer work you can get involved in where you live? Right now you are pretty raw, so it might be overwhelming, but it is at least something to consider because it seems you are the kind of person who wants to help.
  3. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Hey there !

    You might not be able to feel it right now but you are loved. Maybe not the way you want, not exactly by the people you want. But you have people around you.
    They might not be perfect but who is. At those time, when you feel down, I think it's important to have compassion and benevolence. We are not perfect and might not be what someone is expecting us to be but that doesn't mean we can't be a good human being and a worthful one. So we have to be able to see other people around with the same kindness. I am sorry that you had to go through an heartache. It is probably hard, when you felt you had something good and it's taken from you. But on the other hand I also think it's nice you are able to be with your grand-mother and mother (even if they're not as sexy as your lover ? ^_-) but family is important ... it's sometimes very tricky and drives you a bit crazy but it's really nice.

    As I am used to say. Relationship isn't my area. I am sorry you've been hurt. But also maybe you needed the break-up to be on your own and learn to be happy and strong and a whole human being on your own. We often look for comfort and some sort of missing piece in a relatioship and we tend to forget that the other people are not granted, not that it's bad to trust... that's also the point of a relation ship. But what I mean is that they can be a 'making-up' piece for what we feel we are lacking. They can help but we can't be with someone out of dependancy.
    Love has to be a choice to be with someone you feel like you can be a whole you with. And a choice, not a need.
    You might be able to use this time to go back to yourself, who you are, where you are going.

    Take good care.
  4. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    Thanks guys! I have been thinking of going back to grad school if I get well, but maybe for another program. I can't be a counselor if I myself am always having breakdowns- it won't be helpful for anyone! And yeah, even though they drive me crazy, it is good to be reconnecting with my family again. And I think that might be one of the reasons the break-up was necessary- I need to cope with my illness on my own instead of turning to other people to fill the void, which i have a bad habit of doing. Anyway, thank you for your input! :) I am trying to hang in there!
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