I am having a particularly rough week. I've been actively suicidal for 8 months now and I mean it when I say that every moment alive and breathing is absolute agony. When I wake up, I'm so mentally disoriented it's like I have a hangover. I have panic attacks and anxiety a lot. My depression is the worst and I feel like shit 100% of the time with NO relief at all. This time last year I might have been the happiest person on earth but a lot of terrible shit happened to me including an extremely painful break-up. I can't get over my ex, as they were the love of my life and I was only healthy in my relationship with them, never before and obviously not after. Every night I pray to God or whatever is up there to just take me because I cannot deal with my emotional pain anymore. I am dreadfully homesick for college as it was the only place I thrived at and was happy and well. Without all of those clubs and honor societies and A's, I don't know who I am. I quit grad school last semester because I got too depressed to continue (I was going to be a mental health counselor JOKES ON ME) and all of the professors know I had a complete mental breakdown. I was forced to move home because I cannot pay off my bills on my own and still afford to live by myself (I was previously living with my ex). I hate being back in this dead-ass town and with my mother and grandmother. I love them and all but they don't understand me. I feel that no one does. I feel so helpless and isolated. I feel like everybody is dying- look at that earthquake in Nepal- over 4,000 people are dead! It truly saddens my empathic heart and I cannot bear this planet. It's gone to hell completely. There was a bad car accident on a highway literally 10 mins away from me that I ALWAYS drive down and two people are dead- this happened yesterday. It's terrifying how quickly everything can end, all in the blink of an eye. I am no longer seeing the point to life at all. I feel that I am just waiting to die at this point. Last night I had stomach cramps so bad I was doubled over in pain and I thought, 'this is it, this is the end, I think I'm going to die tonight" and I felt some relief in that thought. I even texted my ex that I loved her because I wanted the last thing I said to her to be meaningful. But I fucking woke up this morning and I am so angry that I did. I'd rather just die already. There is no point to life or the world and everything is just meaningless. I very much want to commit suicide by pills and alcohol. It would be easy to accomplish it. I think of drowning myself in pills all of the time. Why do innocent people who want to live have to die and I'm still here when I don't want to be! Seems fucked up to me. Everything about this world is so fucked up honestly and I want out.