Desperate to get rid of these feelings

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Thelightuponus, Dec 18, 2007.

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  1. Thelightuponus

    Thelightuponus New Member

    Hi to all on here, I'm new.

    I haven't posted in the welcome section, as i need to get this out.

    A little bit about me. I'm 20yrs old and have been living with my boyfriend of 6 months in King's Lynn for 2 months.

    When we first moved in, i was so excited and deliriously happy. I had a new job, a fantastic boyfriend and a new home. I suddenly felt as if i had a future, and a happy one at that.

    But recently, I keep crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason. I find it hard to get out of bed to go to work. I can't concertrate at work (i'm at work right now, yet im writing this instead of doing something productive.)

    For the past week, I have been fantasising about self-harming. (I used to cut my arms as a teenager to deal with the stress of coursework.) I tried to stop these feelings, and have been literally fighting with myself to stop going to the kitchen to get a knife or a pair of scissors. But now its progressed into fantasising about suicide. I keep wanting to either disappear off the face of the earth, or swallow a bottle of pills.

    I don't understand why i am feeling like this. I have such a wonderful boyfriend, who is amazingly caring. But everytime i try to tell him what i am feeling, i am scared of hurting him. I dont want him to think its his fault. Meanwhile, he is getting confused as to why i am acting like this. The constant crying, and the negative opinions i keep saying about myself.

    I am close to losing my job. Which doesnt help. I cant concertrate, nor do any of my work properly. I keep making mistakes and huge ones at that. I feel a complete failure at my job.

    I am due to go to the doctors tonight. My boyfriend wanted me to make the appointment after i told him i've been wanting to cut myself. He however, doesnt know about the suicidal thoughts. Which is scaring me about going to the doctors. I dont want to say it out aloud about how i have been feeling in front of him. But i know he would be hurt if i said i didnt want him there.

    Anyway, thanks to anyone who has read my ramblings. Even more thanks if you can reply. :smile:
  2. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    Well first of all, welcome.

    I can relate to how you feel. At times I've had everything I thought I wanted, yet still been in the same state as you. I'm not sure it's related to what's going on in your life at the time, but then again, I'm no expert.

    It's good that you have a doctors appointment. I've always been too scared to go, but from people I know who have done the sensible thing, you need to be completely honest, and only then can they help. As to your boyfriend, if you really don't want him there, is there any way you could make an excuse to go on your own? Tell him that you need to get things clarified in your own head first, or you'd rather tell him yourself, personally, than have him hear anything as it first emerges or something? You could emphasise that it's not him, he might understand.

    Anyway, excuse my rambling, and good luck at the doctors :smile:
  3. Thelightuponus

    Thelightuponus New Member

    Thanks for replying Mordarisk!

    I did as you said, and was completely honest with the doctor on how i felt.
    My boyfriend couldn't make it as he was working late, so it kind of worked out for the best.

    The doctor was brilliant. It was the first time i had seen him, since moving into the town, and he was very supportive.
    I told him how i felt, and how it only begun a month ago and that i seem to get this each winter since i was 15-16. (I forgot to mention this in the previous post)

    The doctor believes that i may be suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) as it seems to re-occur Nov-Feb, and for no apparent reason.
    He said to me that if the suicidal thoughts get stronger, or i actually do something ie. buy pills, rope, etc. I can go and see a pyschiatrist. Meanwhile, he has prescribed me with anti-depressants for a week. I need to return to him in a week's time to let him know how i am getting on.

    I have to admit, i'm relieved to finally know what's wrong with me! It feels like a positive step for me. Although i am wary of the idea of being on anti-depressants, but if it helps me, then thats a good thing.

    Ps. Will let you know how i get on :)
  4. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    Heyy, glad it worked out for you!! :biggrin:

    Keep me up to date. Hope you feel better soon :hug:
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