Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gellybean, Apr 21, 2015.

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  1. gellybean

    gellybean Member

    I'm a woman in early seventies and I've suffered from depression since my 20's and made my first suicide attempt when I was 12 and have made 2 since then. Compounding my problems is my physical health which has been bad for some years and is now out of control. I have arthritis, asthma, lymphoedoema in my legs and my left breast and arm, my spinal discs are crumbling and am sometimes in so much pain I need morphine. I now have heart problems although the exact problem hasn't been diagnosed yet as I haven't seen the specialist but I have fluid retention which is affecting my lungs and I can scarcely breathe at times. The diuretic I was given really helped for the first week but now seems to have stopped working and my doc is reluctant to prescribe higher dose as I have kidney problems.

    All my life I've been terrified of suffocation, it's a real fear of mine and now it seems to be happening. I can't lay down, I can't sleep and sometimes I'm struggling to breathe even sitting upright. I had a terrible panic attack last night and this morning I was hysterical and I feel I can't go on. I've held my depression at bay for some months despite my illnesses but now it's overcome me. I can't live the rest of my life like this, not being able to breathe. I can't even cry properly because of the breathing.

    What's the point of going on with life if I can't do anything. Can't even walk into the garden to enjoy the sun. I feel so desperate and such a waste of space. I'm trapped and I want to get out. I'm so tired I keep praying I will drop of to sleep and then die as some people do.
  2. Chadley

    Chadley Member

    hi gellybean, I am sorry you are going through such a rough time right now in your life, having had back issues before, i can relate to the tremendous pain that it causes, its not fun so you have my deepest sympathy. Perhaps you should consider speaking with your doctor about how you are feeling, there are alot of different prescriptions they can give you that may help improve your mood, or maybe the doctor will send you for some counselling which could greatly benefit you. I wish you best of luck in finding a way to alleviate the physical and emotional pain, stay strong.
  3. gellybean

    gellybean Member

    Thank you Chadley for your kind words. I've now been told I can take an extra diuretic so hopefully that might improve my breathing, fingers crossed. The doc didn't mention counselling as he realises my mood will improve if I can breathe properly. Unfortunately I can't take any sedatives to control my anxiety because they interfere with breathing altho the doc said I could take an extra dihydrocodeine as they calm me down a little as well as treating pain.

    I read somewhere that most people who say they want to die really mean they want the pain to stop. I think that applies to me although death does seem welcoming at times. Getting old when your body starts to crumble is hellish and even if I try to be positive I really can't see a time when my health will improve to any extent, so the future seems rather bleak to me.

    There are so many young people who want to live but who are dying of some incurable disease and there are people on this forum who want to die. If only we could die so that the others might have life who want it but it doesn't work that way, does it. That seems so unfair.
  4. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    gellybean, several things you wrote about really rang true, as I am also older and dealing with loss of function as a result. I know exactly what you mean about wishing you could swap places with someone with an incurable disease who longs to survive. I have felt this way for decades. If only there were a way, eh? I've seen other people on this board describe feeling the same way. I think many of us would have donated our life force to others a long time ago if we were able.

    I think you are also right that many times, when people say they want to die, they just want the pain to stop. Not always, of course, but at least that is true of me and heard others express the same sentiment. The pain (physical, mental and/or emotional) just gets to be too much and death seems the only way to stop it. And growing old brings its own special problems. Like you, I have reached the age where it seems my physical health is only going to go down hill from here. The future does seem very bleak and I don't know how we come to terms with accepting that.

    I'm very glad your doc is willing to increase the diurectic. Not being able to breathe must be terribly uncomfortable and scary, even more so if you've actually had a fear of suffocating all your life. It is like your worst nightmare come true and it is no wonder you are having panic attacks. I'm sure I'd have them, too. I'm wondering if it might help you to try meditating as there is a lot of focus on breath control there, plus it also helps with anxiety. There are plenty of self-help guides out there, in a range of formats, though nothing helps as much as a class.

    Although your doc didn't suggest therapy, you might consider it anyway. You've got a lot to think about right now and it might help to have that support. And since you've suffered from depression most of your life, this really could be a big help.
  5. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    im so sorry you are struggling. you are not a waste of space. you are courageous. hugs to you, gellybean.
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting especially with current medical issues. I feel your hurt and the crying of tears from within yourself. Please do not worry now. You are no longer alone.

    I know and understand you suffer every day but life is important. The ones who can truly relate to you are the ones who suffer every day like you.

    You are important and please try your best to keep remembering that. I hope this message helps and gives you a comfort of thought. Be safe and take care.
  7. Lastnight

    Lastnight Active Member

    I don't know of how nuch my words will be of assistance to you, but I just wanted to say that I found your second post beautiful and inspiring.

    I wish you fortune and strength to overcome the trials you are facing.
  8. gellybean

    gellybean Member

    Thank you ChestnutMay for your kind words. Getting old certainly can be very difficult particularly since I used to really look forward to retiring and now most of my retirement has been ruined by ill health. Where I live there are a lot of elderly people and so many of them seem to get around fine and they are very active. It's so galling to see.

    I used to do meditation when I was younger but now, whenever I try to relax I get a panic attack and feel I can't breathe. I don't know how to overcome that.

    Strangely, when I'm depressed I can't remember what it's like not to be depressed. I can't remember what it's like to feel reasonably normal, not happy since I've never been that apart from one or two days scattered throughout the years, but just the normal chugging along sort of life. I just can't remember what that feels like.

    Years ago I used to sing this song to myself whenever I felt bad and sometimes it helped.

    Smile though your heart is aching
    Smile, even though it's breaking
    When there are clouds, in the sky, you'll get by
    If you smile, through your fear and sorrow
    Smile, and maybe tomorrow
    You'll see the sun come shining through
    If you'll....just, Light up your face with gladness
    Hide every trace of sadness
    Although a tear, may be ever so near,
    That's the time, you must keep on trying
    Smile, what's the use of crying?
    You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
    If you just smile......

    Maybe someone will find that helps them a little.

    I have often thought of therapy although the waiting lists are so long and I'm not sure I can afford to go privately. About 20 years ago my GP sent me to see a psychologist but I found it didn't help at all, mainly because he was using the type of therapy where they try to alter your method of thinking about things and I really wanted to talk through my childhood because that's where my problems stem from. Ignoring that is like trying to paint over crumbling plaster.
  9. gellybean

    gellybean Member

    Bundles5, Unknown111 and Lastnight. Thank you so much for your kind words. They really help. There are so many good and kind people here and I'm so grateful I found the Forum.

    Good wishes to you all.
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