Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by jpfendler, Dec 16, 2008.

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  1. jpfendler

    jpfendler Member

    you know the saying "when it rain it pours"? well, its thundering for me, I feel like a walking time bomb. I can't focus on anything, I don't have any feeling left inside me, its like I'm already dead, so whats the use of living. I'm just going through the motions, so its just s must easier to go to sleep and not wake up. The things I am dealing with are harder then I ever amagined, I don't think I can make it through, when I posted a few days ago I was in a bad place, well I'm no better. I wrote a letter to my daughter and gave it to a friend of mine so she can give it to her when the time comes. I made arrangements for her to stay with a good friend, so she would be taken care of. I believe she will have a chance to grow up having a normal life if i was gone. I just don't have the energy anymore to keep going. everything has been drained out of me, theres nothing left. I can't write anymore i can't see through my tears. Judi
  2. Milton

    Milton Well-Known Member

    I see you wrote this a while ago and are now offline. Regardless, I hope you can find a way to come through this. I think there are plenty of people here who have lost parents, and they'd all agree they wish their parents had remained alive. No way your daughter has a normal life if you commit suicide. PLease try to find a way to carry on.

    I'm usually around if you want to talk to someone.
  3. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    hi Judi,
    No way she's going to have a normal life after you die. It will dictate her whole life; I don't know how old she is, but i am sure she will never understand why her mother left the same world she's living in, she will never understand why you didn't want to be around as she grows, get graduated, marry, be a mother, etc, etc.....I really don't want to emotionally blackmail, but it's true, the way you avoid her to have a normal life is by killing yourself.... and believe me, I have been there, to the edge, ready to jump.....but my kids you know...I also saw the fear and the pain in my dad's eyes, when, ages ago, I woke up from my second(and last so far) attempt.
    I know things can be unbearable, and look like they'll never get better, but please try to get help, to pass this time of the year's depressing time for a lot of people, dark, expensive, some of us far away from the beloved ones....I pray for springtime all the time.
    I hope you feel better and if you feel like, post in here, try to get it out of your system.
    Take care
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2008
  4. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Dear Judi, I rationally understand the tormoil you must be in to wish to end your life but as you wish well to your daughter you took steps to be taken care but as helena pointed out, her life will never be the same if you go through with it. Unfortuately I've been trough loosing loved ones to suicide and I know the devastation that took over the survivers. To this day it has affected all my beind physically and morally. Hope you reach out and find help you so badly need but give yourself more time.

    What has brougt you to wanting to end this life? Please reemmber that most of us that have lost a loved one become suicidal ourselves. No lenght letter will never answer all the questions we have yet only silence and pain is our answers and it kills the survivors.

    Share with us whats going on in your life. Have you seek professinal help to help you deal with your issues? Thre is always another way, another road or path to try to better oneself. Give it a chance, life is worth living hun.

    lots of love
    granny xx
  5. Charlie Mine

    Charlie Mine Member

    Hey, JP...I went back and read most of your earlier posts. I read about your dad, mom, stepdad, siblings.... Depression can have a genetic basis--you can inherit the tendency to become depressed. Suicide tends to run in families, too. That means that you need to double your efforts to get help for yourself, so you will be able to help your daughter avoid the same traps! There are TONS of physical factors with depression--high levels of 'bad' chemicals in your brain, low levels of 'good' ones. It can be because you were born not making enough, or because certain events in your life make you use the good ones up too quickly or make too many of the bad ones....

    I'm not explaining this well.

    When you're in your car and a deer jumps out in front of you, you swerve and hit the breaks without even thinking about it. Your heart pounds, and you're out of breath, and your hands are shaking. That's your primitive or subconscious mind acting to save your life without consulting the thinking part of your brain first. Adrenaline gets released, and it stays high until your conscious, thinking mind examines what happened and decides there's no threat any more. Make sense? It's called integration--the primitive and conscious brain communicate, and the adrenaline goes away.

    When something happens that your conscious brain can't handle, either because you are too young at the time or it's just too horrible, that integration doesn't happen. You keep making too much adrenaline, you're on hyper-alert status, you feel like you are overly emotional and over-reacting to everything...until you reach the 'fatigue' stage, where your body is just exhausted from running at too high a level for so long. Then you feel numb and dead, you don't care about anything, you just want to sleep, and it feels impossible to go through one more day.

    That's part of post traumatic stress syndrome, by the way. need a good counsellor, who can help you 'integrate' those memories/traumas, and get your brain chemicals back to normal. And you need antidepressants, to build up the 'good' chemicals that you don't have enough of right now. Other things that can help:

    30 minutes or more of cardiovascular exercise daily; this builds the 'good' hormones, like endorphins. Ever heard someone talk about a 'runner's high'? That's what they mean.

    Massage: this lowers the levels of 'bad' hormones (like adrenaline) and raises the levels of 'good' hormones (endorphins again, but also oxytocin, which makes you feel comforted). If your childhood trauma had a physical aspect (physical or sexual abuse), massage may trigger memories, so warn the masseuse and be prepared yourself.

    Healthy food to give you energy, and CARBS to build endorphins! Yes, chocolate really CAN make you feel better!

    You mentioned in one post that you'd been seeing a counsellor for 3 years. Are you satisfied with the progress you've made? Do you trust this person? I'm only asking because I've been in counselling since I was 10, too, and I know that it can be very hard to find someone good, who actually helps.

    Good luck, my sweet. I wish you the best! Oh, and don't be so sure those other people who look so happy really ARE. For all you know, they may be pasting on fake smiles and wishing someone would hold them, too, just like you!

    {oo} girl hug,
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