Desperate

[schebbon]

Hello
I'm a 25-year old man and I am so sad I just want to end it all but I'm to afraid to do it. To afraid what will happen after you die. Where will I go. Will I feel anything, will I leave my family in a mess. It hurts so much to walk around everyday and at this point in my life I feel as I'm only living because the people around me want me to live, I have nothing left to live for. I have a chronic disease (diabetes) and I have a slight hearing loss and moderate-severe tinnitus that haunts me almost every hour of the day. Living is a pain and a pain that will increase the older I get. Music is my blood and mathematics is my life. The tinnitus and diabetes keeps me from both thing. It's like someone has ripped out my spine, my soul, me. It feels like everyday is a step closer to death and right now I am thinking which way is the best way to die. <mod edit: *sparkle*: methods>. It makes me sad that I didn't get to live the life I wanted or a life that didn't include torture every living hour.

Rob

 

[Bambi]

Hi, I am sorry to hear about your illness...is there nothing to be done? Are you able to do your music on any level?
You are right you will leave a mess and wake of sadness if you go...but something new is in your life...this place, and I hope you find the caring and support to go on that I have found.
Please keep writing it helps and we do care around here...a lot.
Bambi

 

[schebbon]

Hello.
I talked to my father today. He and my mother knows what I am going through right now and they are as supportive they can be and I know they are really worried. I just can help myself, it is like I know it is possible to live with this but I don't know if I am strong enough, and not being strong enough for your girlfriend, little-sister, friends and parents it's unbearable as well. I hate myself and that I'm not strong enough...

 

[*sparkle*]

hi there schebbon

welcome to the forum :hug: i hope that you find lots of support here. there are certainly people who will understand and try to help you through things. im sorry to hear how awful your feeling at the moment - but please stay with us and reach out for some support and help here :hug:

 

[Bambi]

Please be gentle with yourself and not hate yourself..we have been given a tough road to travel and it is alright to take a rest..a rest to lean on friends like us and let us carry your burden with you :arms: together we can do it and help you find your strength and hope.
Have you considered talking to your doctor about your sadness? I am sure they care and maybe able to help you..worth a try, if not for yourself then for the ones you so clearly love.
We are here for you...

 

[IV2010]

will I leave my family in a mess.

Hi and welcome to SF.....I hope you can find the strength to stay for yourself and your family and friends....i can tell you first hand what it's like to lose a child to suicide and I hope your parents never know that indescribable pain....pm any time if you need to talk...

 

[schebbon]

I know life is a struggle, but this is to much. If you can't recover the parts that makes you yourself. Then there goes all that is you. I'm just a shell. Can't even feel the joy of someone loving me. It's only a matter of time.

 

[Bambi]

Please stay strong and consider talking to your doctor...we will be here for you 24/7 and you can PM me if you would like.

 

[shazwackers]

Please see your doctor Rob........I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I have been there myself, and no, you cannot do it all on your own strength the way you are at the moment...........I know the thought of taking meds on top of what you take already isn't appealing but it sounds like you have too much to lose, too many people who love you, not to give it a go......I've lost a mum to suicide and you never get over it.............thinking of you....shaz

 

[schebbon]

Thank you all for your support, But I feel that there is no help for the issues at hand. A life with suffering and so many years to go. I don't want to life my life in prison. My biggest dream to be à father one day seems far away at this time...

 

[Bambi]

Like you said it SEEMS so far away but you never know what life has in store for you, none of us do so please hang in there and lean on us as much as you need....lots of love Bambi

 

[IV2010]

Rob you need to tell your doctor how bad you're feeling and maybe get some meds to get you back on track.....also maybe ask to see a specialist about the tinitus....
my daughter has had diabetes since she was a child and is in her thirties now with children....she hates needles but has managed to cope with injections for over 20years...
I know it is hard to cope with but you can have a decent life .....don't lose hope and please keep trying....

 

[Wolfen]

I agree pal- feel as low every day of my middle-aged life, and I also have diabetes type1 (2yrs now).

Feel for you, I also feel blackmailed to carry on...

 

[schebbon]

The weekend brought me some relief and got me feeling somewhat normal but I know it will come back soon and bite me in the ass. I'm probarly going to see a doctor tomorrow. Don't want any pills but maybe I can get someone to talk to. I'm weak, I've always been the strong one. Now I'm fucking joke...

 

[schebbon]

Another day which is as dark as the ones before last weekend. It's like I keep dragging myself down. When everyone Else around me starts the new week with strength and determenation I start off mine with depression and anxiety...

 

[schebbon]

The most hurting part about this mess is that I can't feel any joy with what I've accomplished at school. Eventhough my ears are ringing like crazy I can't seem to acknowledge the fact I passed my final exams. All I can feel is sadness. What a fucking life...

 

[IV2010]

congrats on passing your exams.....well done....
I hope you are now seeking help from proffessionals...

 

[Stranger1]

Conradulations on passing your exams!! Talk to your doctor and find out if he can recommend a good therapist.. They really help..They can teach you coping skills.. Also cognitive distortions..Theres help out there you just need to reach out..Take Care!!

 

[goingtodiesoon]

hi rob, i'm sorry to hear that your in so much pain. have you been evaluated by a pain clinic? you should not have to be forced to deal with such chronic pain day in and day out.

i understand as i too have a chronic disease and finally got to a pain clinic that has been treating me now for several years. i was at my wits end ready to catch the bus too because the physical pain was so unbearable. for almost 2 years i lay in my bed curled up crying but doctors just thought i was a "drug seeker" and would not help me. i actually was on the verge of putting my own three babies in foster care because i was no longer physically capable of caring for them. nobody would give me any pain pills until it was actually on paper that i had fibromyalgia and multiple sclerosis. THEN i was finally taken seriously.

i have heard ativan is a treatment for tinnitis. have you tried it?