desperate

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by takencontrol, Oct 26, 2010.

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  1. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    dont know what to do nowhere to turn to. my key worker is on holiday and psychiatrist off sick. never felt so alone. how do i cope with my feelings and thoughts when ive no one to talk to.
     
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im here if you want to talk.
     
  3. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    hi doityourself
    i dont know where to start. ive suffered depression on and off since my first child was born 15 yrs ago. then my dad died and i rejected my fourh child in 2002 because i wanted a boy after having 3 girls. i turned to alcohol in 2006 to cope with the feelings i had not dealt with. i finally admitted i had a drink problem and got help. im now still struggling to cope with the feelings ive blocked out all those years. im seeing a psychiatrist and starting with a psychologist to talk about those feelings but dreading raking it all up. my key worker is on holiday and psychiatrist of sick leaving me feeling very alone and got no where to turn. i just wish i was dead so i didnt need to go throgh this anymore.
     
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry your feeling this way, do you still drink?

    Will this be the first time you seek out help from a doc?

    What do you do to calm your anxiety?
     
  5. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    im not drinking just now but feel i could be doing with it. ive been getting help from different services for a while now but the hard work is just starting when i start the work with the psychologist to work through my thoughts and feelings from the past.i cant calm myself nothing i do works i just hide away and it all builds up until i explode
     
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Yea, it can be hard to relive the past. Ive also brought my past to light and have dealt, still dealing with it, wasnt until late 20s (yep hasnt been that long) that I realized I had no control over what happened to me, that it is what it is and I have to live with it whether I like it or not, there is nothing I can change in my past I can only work on my future.

    What do you want for your future? How old are your children?
     
  7. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    at the moment i dont see me having a future and if i did i would just want to have got through the work ive to do with the psychologist. ive got 4 girls theyr 15,12,10 and 8. and a husband who works 12 hr shifts and thinks you should just get on with it.
     
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Yep, we also have that in common. The H part. (married 17 years, not sure he even believes in depression)

    Wow 4 girls, you must have super patience, I got 2 boys and I def feel out numbered at times.

    Do you want to talk about your past, what about it that bothers you. Maybe posting it will help you be more open when its time to talk to doc?
     
  9. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    i was raped when i was 15 and never told anyone until 4 yrs ago hence the reason i started drinking. i didnt think it bothered me but there was obviously more going on in my head than i thought. my dad died when my oldest was 2 and i was 6 months pregnant with my second. i didnt deal with the grief and just got on with being a mother. i didnt see him before he died because my oldest wouldnt let me go away from her. i regret that every day. i had convinced myself that my 4th was a boy because thats what i wanted but rejected her as she wasnt what i wanted. the guilt of all those things has been eating away at me every day.
     
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry you have all this piling on and yes I can understand how its taking over you, thats alot of stress.

    Can you break it down, maybe make a list of what you need to do first, and then work your way down the list? We have a habit of piling and piling until its to much and then we boil over.

    I was molested as a child so I can understand the sexual abuse part, its super hard trying to go on like nothing happened. Was the person caught?

    Im so sorry to hear about your dad, my father was a piece of garbage, so I dont know about those types of relationships, but I think hes looking down on you trying to understand why your hurting so much and how he wished he could relieve some of the pain for you.
     
  11. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    i never reported the rape i never even told my parents. my husband doesnt know. the only people that know are close friends and the services im involved with. at the moment im living hr by hr because i just cant see beyond that.
     
  12. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    It will help you so much getting it out, Im sorry you had to go through it, and I hope and pray that it wasnt someone you know.

    How do you picture your H reacting?
     
  13. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    i really dont know how he would react dont get me wrong we get on ok and hardly ever argue. we been through a really hard time in the last 3 yrs as well as me suffering with the depression. we have been together for 21yrs so i think we are strong but i dont feel i want to tell him i would rather deal with it and try to move on.
     
  14. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I know its hard to tell someone what your feeling, but to have that support would mean the world. Your H may not always have the right words to comfort but he will tell you that he loves you and needs you. Hopefully he will hug you and show you the love that your seeking and forgoten that he has for you. 21 years is a long time, congradulations.
     
  15. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    hi
    everything has got worse today
     
  16. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    What kind of weather are you having today, can you get outside and go for a really long walk? Its so good for the mind.

    I wish you the strength to reach out to someone and let them know that your hurting, please. Your life is worth so much more than your giving yourself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 27, 2010
  17. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    hi
    i find it really hard to tell anyone how i really feel my favourite one is " im fine " when really inside im shouting out for someone to push me and say no your not tell me. having a drink today is my way of coping but i know its going to lead me back to my old ways and more trouble but i just dont know how else to cope. i really need help.
     
  18. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    :hit:

    please tell us whats bothering you, never know may have been something Ive went through myself or someone else on here. Give it to us and let us throw you some ideas on how to deal or to get rid of it. I know it makes me feel so much better being able to come on here and rant or cry about whats getting me down. There are some great people here, that have seen such hard times, its better when you have someone who can relate.

    If not here have you ever tried journaling, I know its something that has gotten me past so much when I havent had the nerve or the people to talk to. Even if you throw it away put it all on paper then read it after a couple hours-days and see if you feel the same way or if you can start working on the easiest and get to the hardest of whats bringing you down.
     
  19. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    i drink because i want to forget how im feeling. i know going through my past is going to be traumatic and probably make things worse. i just feel i would be better of dead than going through that.
     
  20. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    It may feel that way, but I disagree I think going over your past and getting it out there will be like a burden lifting off. No more secrets to hold in, no more hiding comments that pop in your head. And then to find out that even though people know they still love you, still want to be around you.

    It will be hard, no lie and its a scarey thing. But in the end you wont be able to move past it unless you let it go. Your mind start playing tricks on you until all those stress and anxietys bubbles up and over. Your body and mind are telling you to reach out for help, it needs to release some pain. The survival in yourself wants to bust out and do what needs to be done. Listen to yourself.
     
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