Desperate

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 21stcentury, Apr 6, 2012.

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  1. 21stcentury

    21stcentury New Member

    Hello, i live in UK and found this site when trying to help myself, in 2009 i found my neighbour in his room having committed suicide, a few months later my younger brother committed suicide, and then 2 months later another neighbour committed suicide he was only 18, yesterday i heard about someone i knew to talk to had committed suicide having not been able to deal with his own brothers suicide, i feel near the edge every day since my brothers suicide, in Oct 2011 i had a full nervous breakdown and was told i had general anxiety disorder, since then the physical symptons make my life unbearable, i dont sleep well, i have what i can only describe as internal termors im told its adrenaline, i cry and have done since my brothers death at any moments notice, a few weeks ago i tried something stupid as i was so desperate, have been on anti depressants and i dont even know myself anymore, my friends say that when i was on them from 2003 (Venlafaxine) i became aggresive and irritable and unreasonable iv been of them since July 2011 and people say im more like i was 8 years ago apart from the not coping aspect, everyday seems to be will i or wont i get through the day without doing something stupid, the slightest thing no matter how small gets to be and noise especially, i have nightmares all the time cannot get the memory of finding my neighbour out of my head and my brothers death tortures me daily sometimes hourly, just wish the pain would end i really do Mark
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really sorry for what you've been through. Are you seeing a therapist? That could help, just to talk things out and learn some coping strategies.

    Here if you want to talk.
     
  3. 21stcentury

    21stcentury New Member

    Iv been seeing a therapist on and off for 20 years, had some bad experiences in my younger life and teenage years when living in London, so was put on anti depressants ranging from Prozac to venlafaxine and now sertraline, but i really think they have harmed me not helped me, you seem to get on a treadmill of pills and no one seems to monitor whats happening, you yourself dont realise how the pills are effecting you only others around you do and even then its difficult to acknowledge there is a problem, i just feel so desperate all the time, cannot get the memories out of my head, when things get tough all i do is go over the top in a self destruct mode
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Yeah, I can totally understand that. I'm glad you joined. Maybe posting, getting some stuff out, might help a little. At least here, there are people who understand what you're going through. Hope you'll keep posting!
     
  5. 21stcentury

    21stcentury New Member

    I do sometimes feel so alone that no one else can understand what im going through, i hide things from people because i dont want to be a pest to them, i try not to look on the downside but find it difficult to see any future at all, im just filling in time i guess, one day will be the end im sure, i just cannot see a way out
     
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