Desperately in need of help and support

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by x, Jul 14, 2008.

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  1. x

    x Active Member

    Desperately in need of help and support

    I'm 25 and I’m desperately in need of help. For whatever reason I feel much more comfortable talking about my numerous problems via the internet than via phone. I’m genuinely need of some help so if anyone can think of an internet forum where I can speak to a professional who may be better qualified to deal with my problems than the membership of this community please post me a link.

    *sigh* I’m not really sure where to start with all of this so I feel the best thing is to post all the relevant parts of my history up to and including my present situation.

    From what I remember from my early years I had a relatively happy early childhood although my father was absent for the majority of the first 11 years as he we worked abroad.

    At age of eight or nine I was sexually abused on a number of different occasions by a teacher, I was terrified of the teacher and never told anyone. In addition to this I was also ‘bullied’ by the teacher verbally and physically. The teacher told me her treatment of me was due to my ethnicity.

    From the age of about 10 – 13 I was an awful child and took out my frustrations on other children bullying them verbally and occasionally physically by beating them up.

    I eventually began to become more adjusted and by the age of about 14 I was outwardly just like any other child although inwardly I still lived with the shame and pain of what I had been through. Although I was no longer aggressive to other people I found it difficult to from meaningful relationships with anyone and pretty much just relied on my looks to get me attention and affection from girls.

    When I went to university at age 18 I formed my first meaningful relationship and had the first girlfriend I ever really loved. It was the first time I had genuinely been happy since early childhood. The relationship lasted 3 years but unfortunately the relationship ended under very messy circumstances and I once again felt the same isolation and misery I had felt as an adolescent.

    I made a somewhat half hearted and bizarre suicide attempt by taking about XXXXXX tablets. Obviously this failed to kill me.

    Unable to live with what I had attempted to do I told my mother in a letter. My mother reacted extremely badly to the letter and was in a state of despair. My father did not understand (although in fairness to him he did at least attempt to be understanding) but was angry toward me due to the pain my actions had caused my family.

    Shortly after my mother developed Alzheimer’s disease, she was told by the Doctor that the shock of what I had done had been a contributing factor. My father blamed my mother’s illness on me. We had a massive argument and since this time I have been estranged from my family.

    Still suffering from extreme depression due to the afore mentioned issues I moved to London to start a new life. I worked as a volunteer in the media department of a mental health charity which gave me some meaning and then I worked as a fundraiser for a children’s charity. This also provided me with some meaning and after about 3 years of charity work + some medication, my depression began to lift. However I still very down and had many daemons to exercise, I was still very far from being ‘myself’. I still found it hard to interact and relate to other people and had literally no friends.

    I began to make some friends and I was happy. I met a young Iranian teacher who I fell in love with more or less instantly and we started a relationship. I felt thatFor the first time since my s the nightmare of the last 4 years was finally over. Then I came back down to earth with a bump. The teacher I was dating told me she did not want a relationship with me. I heard through the grape vine this was because she was seeing someone else. I was determined not to return to the misery of the last 4 years again so I took an overdose. This time I took over <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>. I obviously did not die but ended up in Hospital. After being treated in Hospital for a while I was sectioned under the mental health act and taken to a mental health word for observation. I was released after two weeks and returned to work. The next few months was a very difficult time for me and by behaviour was unusual to say the least. I began sleeping with many women and behaving in an unprofessional manner at work. This included things like having blazing rows with colleagues, sleeping in the office over night and refusing to attend meetings etc. However after about three months or so I began to return to normal. and by about Jan/Feb I was in a stable frame of mind.

    In May of this year I was called into my line managers office where she explained to me a sixth form pupil had made an allegation against me about an incident that had happened in December. The allegation is regarding something I am alleged to have said to the pupil which could be construed as sexual harassment. (incidentally I strongly contest the allegation)

    Anyway I am currently suspended from work pending the investigation. I am not allowed contact with colleagues, I have no other friends and I still have no contact with my family. In short I have absolutely no support network.

    If I am found guilty, and I am told by my union rep this is likely, I will never be able to teach again and everything that provides me with meaning will have gone.

    I simply cannot face life with no family and without my job.

    Please tell me what you think I should do,


    I suppose I should mention this is by no means the whole story, I find it difficult to go into depth about the pain and shame that I’m feeling as its simply to painful. I’ve also missed out huge chunks of my story that are no less painful that what I have described above but not entirely relevant to what I’m facing at the moment.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Ryan and welcome...is it possible for you to speak to someone on a 1 to 1 basis instead of the internet? that would be much more successful...also have you contacted an attorney to defend you against those allegations? that might also be helpful...please continue to post and lt us know how you are doing...J
     
  3. x

    x Active Member

    That may be a good idea unfortunatly i am aprehensive about talking about my state of mind with a councilor or a Doctor as if they feel i pose a risk to myself they have the power to section me under the mental health act and i would be detaned agaisnt my will in Psychatric Hospital which is a less than desirable situation.

    At the moment proceedings are in the investigation stage. I am alowed to be advised by a union representative but he may not act in a legal capacity. If the proceedings go to the disciplinary stage my union will provide me with a solicitor. However it is all slightly irrelevant. My union rep feels it is unlikely I will be found guilty of Gross Misconduct which would be a sackable offence. However he feels the disciplinary panel will likely find be guilty of serious misconduct which would ordinarily result in a written warning.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2010
  4. Spikey

    Spikey Senior Member

    :hug: :hug: I've spoken to you in chat and you seem like a really lovely person :hug: don't let this get you down hun, we're always all here to help and talk to you. Everything will work out for the best :hug:

    TC,

    Mel x
     
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    You've had more than your share of difficulties at your relatively young age. The positive side of your list of life experiences is long. I hope you'll find that you do indeed have more positive than negative in your life. I can say from personal experience that when you're going through a bad time, you become blind to the potential good (and to the existing good) in your life.

    I hope that the investigation will put to rest the allegations and let you continue doing what it seems you enjoy doing. There's a lot of unfairness in our world.

    In the US, county mental health services are doing a good job of helping us. I'm on Social Security disability, and because of my low income I receive free therapy and psychiatric care through the county services. They've walked me through some rough spots, away from being as suicidal as I had been.

    I can't write more right now, except to say I'll pray for you tonight, Ryan. You're welcome to communicate with me through my email.

    Jim
     
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi ryan

    just wanted to say welcome to SF. i hope we can help you through this rough patch. like the others say, more in-depth counselling might help. are there any resources that have helped you in the past that you might turn to? i understand about not wanting to be sectioned, but is there someone out there who might listen and support you, but also respect your desire to not go into hospital again?
     
  7. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    How's it going, Ryan? Finding support, I hope.

    Jim
     
  8. x

    x Active Member

    thanx for askin jim

    Itrs kinda of strange on the one hand im feeling ok ‘cos I figure there is no point worrying, by September the investigation will be complete and if I am lucky the problem will have been resolved and I will be back doing the job I love.

    On the other hand I’m feeling very isolated. I’m not in contact with my family and all my friends are teachers and as I’m not allowed any contact with the other teachers while there is an investigation pending, it means I have no support network.

    What has been hard to cope with though is the fact that I don’t live to far from my school, as such I keep bumping into students and the parents of students, they all want to know where I have been and when I’m coming back….. I just don’t know what to tell them…. I miss them all so much.

    What has really hurt though is recently one of my students looked me up on facebook. She is a refugee from Iraq and I had really taken her under my wing, she has been through so much in her short life but remains such a determine and wonderful person. She sent me a message with words to the effect of “how could you leave without telling me, or without even saying goodbye etc” every fiber of my being wants to send her a message back explaining the situation and encouraging her to work hard in her finally year….. but if I do that I could lose my job…. It hurts so much
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Maybe on your facebook you could say something to the effect that you are currently taking a break from the teaching profession due to personal reasons, but hope to return again soon. No further contact or information need be given beyond this. I am concerned about you not involving anyone beyond the union rep for these allegations. If they can prove nothing then even the gross misconduct warning should not be placed in your file. I believe that anything placed in your file , you are allowed to request to be allowed to place a rebuttal to the allegations. I hope things get worked out for the best. You ahve worked far to hard to get where you are to have a misunderstanding ruin your career.
     
  10. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    No other social outlet - a gym, a church, a neighbor? We enjoy having you in our online circle of friends, but we all need human contact.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2010
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