Desperately need help- suicidal thoughts & planning

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sn-b, Sep 19, 2013.

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  1. sn-b

    sn-b Member

    Hey.

    So I've resorted to this forum as my last desperate bid to reach someone.

    My whole life had been spent suffering sexual abuse at the hands of family members (including my mother) and physical intimidation from a steroid raging father. At 10 years old I lost my older sister to suicide & not long after I witnessed my father attempt suicide by cutting his throat. A few years later my mother then followed with an attempt by downing 125 pills.

    At an early age I adopted self harm as my emotional management tool & went through several suicide attempts of my own. I eventually left my family behind when I was left an emotional wreck at 21.

    At my worst I met a woman (my old boss) who fulfilled every aspect of being the mum that I never had. According to her too I was the daughter that she never had. I had never learnt to trust people so this bond became something very dear to me. Just after meeting her I suffered a severe mental breakdown after years of abuse & she helped to lift me back up. In every respect we have shared a mother daughter bond that had meant more than anything to me.

    One problem...her husband is a covert abuser & within weeks of me moving in began his web of deceit,
    Causing rift after rift between my mum & I. My mum had been unhappy with him for several years as he does nothing but sit in front of the tv all day. Longer story short, he began to target me by getting his family members to all bully and slander me, all while disguising himself to be the doting, caring man. He would constantly grope me or talk to me about his manhood when no one was around & I got his manipulation on recording one day.

    Once my mum started to see his antics for what they were he then began to become more abrasive towards me, blatantly entering my room to get my things when he felt like it & not allowing me to say anything in the home in case I set him off in a rage. For 3 years I stuck beside my mum, always along sure that she kept some form of support in her life, as he had succeeded in isolating her from all of her friends. During the 3 years I was under a microscope by him, always being made aware that if I stepped out of line he would get his allies onto me. He blatantly slandered me to everyone in sight & used my weaknesses against me.

    I began to get more and more tired & my health began suffering a lot, not to mention so too did my relationship with my mum. After telling me for months that she was going to get him to leave I went away for a few days this week & it gave him enough time to completely brainwash her again. Now I have no choice but to leave & I am devastated. I went through so much at his hands Over the years & not to mention I paid thousands as a young adult to help her out of debt while he climbed her back into it. And now she had chosen to enable his control & dominance by making the decision to stay with him. He admitted to her that he had only been supportive & nice towards her because I am not there & he now dictates how much time she can spend with me. I am so devastated that I've lost a mum & after all of the loss that I have been through in my 24 years I am at rock bottom. I believed her when she said she loved me as her daughter & now I have nothing. I've only been out of hospital for 3 weeks after surgery & I am so run down.

    I have spent the entire night tonight crying & I just want all of it to end. Why am I that bad if a person that all I ever get is abuse? I'm too tired to fight the pain anymore & am already planning my escape. I don't know what else to do. I am such a burden.
    I'm sorry.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't a burden OR a bad person. You don't deserve to be abused.

    I'm sorry your mum can't seem to pull away from that abusive relationship. I know you love her, but at this point, you have to look out for yourself. It sounds like you've tried to convince her to walk away from him, and if she won't listen, you have to do what you can to protect yourself. I know that's easier said than done because of how much you care for your mum. But you can't make her walk away; you can only do what's best for you.

    Here if you ever feel like talking. :hug:
     
  3. sn-b

    sn-b Member

    I've always been told that everything is all my fault and once again my own father reiterated it last night when I needed some support. It seems that no one has a single positive thing to say about me & not an ounce of the caring that I have shown them.

    I always swore that if I could not maintain this relationship with my mum then that would be it. I am so tired of going through loss after loss. 24 hours on I have had no sleep & am still crying as I write this. I have planned when, where and how I am going to die. No one in my life listens now so they sure as hell won't listen even in light of my death. I certainly won't be missed by anyone. So broken.
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's not your fault. I realize I don't know you well, but I know enough to realize you don't deserve what you're going through.

    Just want you to know I'm here and listening if you feel like talking.
     
  5. sn-b

    sn-b Member

    Thank you. I don't understand why people can be so dishonest & disloyal so as to watch a loved one get dealt to like a disobedient dog for everything & not to anything.

    I have struggled with self harm for more than half of my life because all I ever faced was loss after loss. And yet now I face another blow. I have been hospitalised several times in my teens for attempted suicides & my only regret was not following through.

    Everyone thinks that I am ok now, but they won't listen and hence my decision to leave them all to their own devices. No one will miss me anyway. The funny thing is that I couldn't be happier now. I see how everything is going to go & I feel invisible, like I'm in the clouds. They never believed that I could ever go through with it after knowing how devastating it was when my sister killed herself, but what do they know? I have told them & reached out time & time again to have my face rubbed in it. My mum says that she cares about me... Yeah right.. She would never have abandoned me like that if she did.
     
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