Desperately seeking help

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by nurserachel, Jul 29, 2013.

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  1. nurserachel

    nurserachel Member

    Not too sure about reaching out. I tried to talk with a friend tonight...she just stopped talking to me. I cant bear to try to explain to anyone else.
    My hubby is just as depressed as I am, he cant support me . My babies are sleeping down the hall. Everyone deserves better. I have a plan, so it looks like an accident, so he can get my insurance amounts.
    I am 6 inches from out.
    Noone cares, or helps. The world has always treated me badly. I am trying to get enough reasons to stay.
    I dont know what to do.
  2. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Hang in there. You will come out alright. Have faith in God and in yourself. Life has its ups and downs. Suicide is not an answer to life's problems.
  3. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    i'm in the same boat as you. i really can relate. but your babies need you.
    i'm sorry, i'm not of much help tonight, im at the end of my rope myself.
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.

    Firstly, I would like to say it's a positive step you've taken - to actively try reaching out. As a peer-to-peer support forum, with a pro-life ambition, there are likely to be some who would have similar experiences or conditions (if you have any), who may point you in directions you may not have tried.

    Secondly, in regards to the being depressed and your husband too, are you on medication and/or therapy? Sometimes one or the other (even both) can provide some level of release and make life seem more manageable. They are not designed to make troubles necessarily disappear straight away, in the case of meds it can take a while to find one that works best for you, therapy possibly the same. With the therapy though, generally being completely open and honest over time can be more beneficial because the support would be geared accordingly.

    Thirdly, if you truly need immediate help, seek local professional support.

    That said, I hope you can find some support here. (Do have a browse of the forum to see what can go where - and there are useful links towards the bottom of the index page).

    Don't be afraid to ask questions :)
  5. nurserachel

    nurserachel Member

    Nope. Last time I mentioned to my doc I had pretty severe anxiety and depression, he waved his hand at me and went "pssstt" (indicating he didn't feel it was a valid subject, apparently)
    Last time I was in any sort of therapy, my therapist was condescending, suggesting I "write out everything that worries me" , I told her it woild make me feel silly, and she said "look, do you want to feel better?" I felt like I had been scolded.
    It really feels like "fate" is telling me just to get on with it . I just have to figure when. I've secured some injectable medication (not a tranquilizer, narcotic or usual suspect), it should look like an accident, and it has a short half life so will be undetectable on a toxicology report.
    I'm worried about my kids though. My oldest has severe Autism, and our family won't even babysit, let alone raise them. If they are placed in custody, I know they would be seperated because of this.
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Doctors and therapists are people too - they can make mistakes. If you feel that they are not listening - persevere with pushing for another opinion. If it means changing doctors and starting with new, and the same with therapists, it's another avenue to try.

    Here's a thread I've found regarding someone else on here who took a relatively long time to get somewhere that eventually worked for themselves.

    If it helps in any way.
  7. nurserachel

    nurserachel Member

    Well, that went about as badly as i figured it would.
    Built up the balls to walk into a well womens clinic, started explaining through my tears...the receptionist told me the doctor that would handle it is on vacation...maybe I could go to my family doctor or emerg? Right. Told her I knew my place and just left. Went to car, bawled. Called Crisis hotline. It rang and rang, then went to voicemail. You know what? If thats not a clear sign the universe is giving me that I am all alone and there wi ll be no help for me, I dont know what is. Thank you all for your time.
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Patience and perseverance are often required too. You say you called crisis hotline and it rang and rang went to voicemail - did you try just once or did you keep trying?

    Maybe stick around here and see what others in similar boats suggest?
  9. nurserachel

    nurserachel Member

    I'm pretty sure I'm not worth it. The universe is sending a pretty strong message. Seriously. Noone cares.
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi Rachel,

    It may seem today like nobody is interested in listening. It seems as though the doctor who would perhaps be able to help you was on holiday and there were no alternatives at that point in time, so the receptionist was right in telling you to see your GP or go to A&E. You ought to keep trying the crisis hotline, don't give up but if you feel that badly then go straight to emergency department.

    Your children need you, your husband needs you. You need to continue to fight this. Seems as though you have put a lot of energy into trying to end your life, perhaps now start putting that same energy into trying to fix your life. Nothing will be solved overnight, depression requires a lot of effort and perseverance but it can be fought and the battle can be won.
  11. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Rachel,
    Please get some help, the crisis team will phone you back. I had to leave a message, that is usual and they do care. Sorry your GP acted like that, see a different GP if possible. Please don't take that medication, it will show on toxicology/post mortem. you would really hurt yourself very badly indeed, please tell your husband to phone the crisis team for himself as well. Please contact social services about respite care for your son, this will give you a break. Do you claim all the appropriate benefits for yourself/son like carers allowance, and disability benefits for your son?
    We all care on this forum, you do deserve help and are worthy. You can't help being poorly, you have a lot to cope with. Please let us know how you get on.
    Take care
  12. nurserachel

    nurserachel Member

    They wont phone me back. I could bet you money on it. Seriously, noone cares.
    The friend I was talking to yesterday? Didnt even check in today to see how I was doing. Could have been dead. Seriously, not one person cares.
    It wont show on a tox screen. Its short acting and would cause an "explainable" condition that would explain the death. its not hard to find an injection site, since I dont have to administer it iv.
    I've done my homework.
    Respite? Thats a joke. We have begged, cried, called. We leave numbers, play phone tag...nothing. We have no help at all. My mother in law doesn't work...shops, goes to salons, reads, "escapes" to the cottage...calls us maybe every 2-3 weeks, can I come over? I clean like a crazy woman, so there are no comments about the mess, then she pops in for 20 - 30 minutes, plays with the kids, then says "well, I should go home. Just needed my baby fix" and poof, gone. She lives 10 minutes away. Breaks my and my hubbys heart.
    Our "Disability chque" for our son is $132 a month. Doesn't even cover his diapers , which are expensive because he is 6.
    It is just so depressing to even write about.
    I'm just so heartbroken all the time. :(
  13. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Rachel,
    Sorry, I want to help you. I have tried six times to post to you. Using 3 different devices. Each time I am logged out, so I can't help you. I would have loved to, I care and might join you.
    Take care
  14. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Seems to me that while you want help, you take one knockback (re, the call of the crisis line), and believe everything is against you. I appreciate that it's not easy, but in order to progress and find the ample support, it can take a lot more effort than one unanswered call. It can take a lot more effort than one doctor/therapist not listening/not available (and a number of other medical professionals opinions) in order to get anywhere, yet all it would generally take is one person listening, and working with you.

    While both you and your husband are in levels of depression (for reasons you may or may not wish to share here - although others here do have plenty of varied experiences with which to tap into for giving support and advice), is it not worth persevering with? Your husband cares - he married you. You both created the lives of your children (unless you tell me otherwise), and brought them into this world, the last thing they would want is losing one of you - so they would care too.

    Of course, being peer-to-peer support, the more you reach out (and use other parts of the forum to do so if you wish), the more people will try helping and being supportive. There is no rush - but in desperate times, try not to give up on getting hold of a crisis team.

    Check out the Loved and Lost section - the impacts vary but never leave those who are still here after a loved one has passed away.
  15. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Edited post out!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2013
  16. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    You're not alone! Believe it or not death is not an end to pain. I speak not from religion, or judgment. If you leave life, no one will have the opportunity to love you, to comfort you. Medication doesn't always work.. I've od'd on my "meds" but talking does help..
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