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Desperately struggling newbie...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ZasuArt, Nov 16, 2011.

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  1. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Hello, All... I'm at an all time low right now, and this seems like a friendly community, so here goes: I've struggled with severe anxiety, suicidal depression and crippling insomnia since childhood (I turned 40 this year). These last few months have been almost unbearable, and hope just continues to disintegrate. I’ve been through so much, but I’ve never felt so alone in my suffering. I had a terribly abusive and dysfunctional childhood, and while I no longer hide from family (which I've done for more of my adult life than not), I have no truly close connection any family member. Even though I have a handful of dear friends who I love, when it comes down to it, those friends aren't really interested in anything besides what's on the surface (if I hear "shake it off" one more time, I'm fairly certain my head will explode... so now I share very little about how I really feel with friends). I have been seeing a really wonderful therapist for many years, but I've been holding out the true depth of my despair from her (and everyone) for some time now (I know… self defeating… I’m just so ashamed of myself). Truly, the only thing I have to live for is my beloved partner of 12 years (we finally married this past June) and my (equally beloved) 2 elderly mutt children (who it kills me to say, at 14 and 15 are not long for this world). My partner has seen me through a few very serious suicide attempts in the past (the last was in 2007). Because of the pain this has caused her, I have been hesitant to fully open up to her about how desperate I've become this time around. To make matters worse, she is losing patience with my depression. I think I've just been in this place where I don't want to be talked out of it, and the thought of disappointing my partner, friends and therapist is almost too much to bear. In fact, fear of letting everyone down (especially my partner) and fear of confrontation has led me to keep some pretty big and destructive secrets. And now one of those secrets has backed me into a corner, and I'm having a hard time feeling like I have any choice but to end my life. A childhood poisoned by daily physical, emotional and mental abuse (with some early sexual abuse by another close family member) has made me an adult living in mortal fear of angry confrontation (and abandonment) by those I love and depend on. Each of my prior suicide attempts in the last 12 years has been triggered by my partner’s explosive anger and threats following an angry confrontation. She has worked so hard on her own anger issues, but it still happens, and I still find it almost impossible to bring myself to tell her things that I know will anger or upset her (money is a big one). Because of this, I have kept mum regarding our growing and now very serious financial problems (I pay the bills and manage the money). We’ve had many financial emergencies over the last couple of years, many of them due to huge medical expenses stemming from treatment of her chronic pain and multiple surgeries. Now we are on the brink of foreclosure, I’ve maxxed out our credit cards in an attempt to keep bills paid and emergencies funded, and now bills are piling up. I’m struggling (and failing) to fix this impossible situation on my own, and know with 100% certainty that if she knew how desperately I’d fucked everything up she would rage like never before and leave me with less than nothing. This is something I am not even remotely capable of surviving. I’m desperate… lost… feeling like the worst person in the world and hating myself for what I’ve allowed to happen, and how no matter what I do, the only person who truly loves me is going to be terribly hurt. I think the only thing keeping me going is the almost equally unbearable thought of leaving her grieving my death while simultaneously struggling to clean up the mess I’ve made of our financial life. I'm honestly not even sure why I feel compelled to reach out this way, except perhaps the desire to make it through this day. I’m not a religious person. I wish that I could believe that a loving God was in control, but I just can’t, so please don’t waste your energy on that vein. But if you have a little extra love, compassion or advice to spare, it would mean more to me than you know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my (oh dear) RIDICULOUSLY long post.
  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hello I'm very sorry to read about your troubles,I'm coming up to 40 myself and can relate to the way your feeling. I somehow never managed to shake my childhood and didn't develop into the well adjusted strong person that I wished I could've been. Im sorry I don't have any answers for you,I'm still searching myself. I hope you can find some comfort and companionship here with like minded people.
    Take care
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Mark... You are the first person to hear and respond with kindness to the unfiltered truth of my life right now, which is very personally meaningful to me. I already feel a measure of comfort, and wish you the same. Thank you so much! :cheekkiss:
  4. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Hi Zasu,

    It seems to me that you are taking the blame for many things in your life that were not under your control, for example the on going medical expenses and an economy which makes difficult on everybody to survive financially. I think you do need to make peace with yourself and realize you did your very best under very difficult circumstances. I think if you could improve communications between the two of you, there would be more energy left to tackle the crisis in front of you. Is marriage counseling an option?
  5. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Isabel, but it definitely IS my fault that it's gotten so out of control. I withheld so much from her and have even told her everything is fine when it is anything but. Now I've dug this hole for us that I'm afraid we're not going to be able to get out of. Had I faced the music and told her about these troubles as they arose, we could have worked together to fix it. If I can talk myself "off the ledge" and our relationship also manages to survive, couples therapy would definitely be a plan (that is, if we can afford it). But right now, I don't have it in me to survive telling her just how bad I've screwed up, and I am 100% certain that she will hate me when she finds out, whether I'm alive or not. I'm still hoping for a miracle solution, but I know it's unlikely to happen. If I can somehow fix it, I think I could find the strength to go to her and say, "I really screwed up, but I fixed it. I need you to be the one to manage our money from now on." But I'm a realist, I know that the best I can hope for is a burst of inner strength to keep me from giving in to the desperation. Thank you so much for your support and advice.
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