Desperately trying to make it to graduation

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by raiinbowjunkiie, Dec 4, 2009.

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  1. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    My entire entire high school career, I have seriously debated whether or not I am to go on living. Sophomore year I couldn't even envision myself graduating. Now, however, it is my senior year, and I can either attend college in the fall or kill myself before I get there. I have everything going for me- I'm an excellent student and my future is bright.
    And yet, I still have the materials and the blueprints to make a noose that I can easily hang from a set of monkey bars in my back yard. Who is ignorant enough to believe that women cannot hang themselves or resort to other lethal methods because they are not romantic enough or do not suit the feminine nature? I defy it all! If I am to go, I must do it correctly. Being "saved" would be a fate worse than death-it would mean either becoming a vegetable or being committed indefinitely to a psychiatric hospital and having my entire life fucked up.
    Yes, I am top in my class and headed towards a school with a fantastic reputation. However, there is a quote by poet Lord Byron-Manfred that says, "Sorrow is knowledge; they who know the most must mourn the deepest o’er the fatal truth." Going to college means learning more and carrying around the weight of the world, and I'm sensitive to begin with. I want so badly to pursue a career that will allow me to help many people, and there is so much that I look forward to about being on my own for the first time, namely exerting the independence that is the fundamental aspect of my existence. Actually, I'm burning to go to college, I'm terribly excited. However, I also desire to be free of emotional anguish and sorrow, and I'm already so deeply sad all of the time. As of now, I have little faith in people, for many have abandoned me or crushed my spirits by being selfish or insensitive. I feel that attending college will open a whole new chapter of my life and that once I embark there is no turning back, even though in reality I can always kill myself later if I really want to, so why not give college a chance, what harm can it do?
    Oh, but life is so sad, and people can be so cruel! I do not want to delve into specifics because I am tired of relating the events that have caused me to spiral downward and because after a certain traumatic incident in May, I swore vehemently that I would never, ever, as long as I lived reach out to anyone, even if it killed me. And I will never, ever seek psychiatric help, because the system almost destroyed me, on about FIVE occasions. I'd rather die than go back to a therapist or a hospital. Besides, politically, I do not believe that the state has the right to become involved in an individual's personal affairs or interfere with his or her right to self determination. It's not the purpose of a government. And medication is out of question, because honestly, you can't treat the brain medically like any other part of the body. It is the only truly unique and irreplaceable organ. If you damage your brain, you're fucked forever. I dare not do anything that could taint in any way my mind, the seat of highest thought and ultimately my humanity.
    No, whatever I do from this point on has to come from me. No one else can save me; the strength to carry on must be my own. Yet I find it unbearable that being on your own basically translates into going through this alone. See, I always had this vision, and it wasn't even idealistic, youthful, or naive because it was supported by the empirical evidence of personal experience, that people were capable of being kind, selfless, unconditionally dedicated to their friends, and able to handle emotionally intense situations for the people they love. I can't be certain or make any sweeping statements, but I think that vision was thwarted; it might have failed miserably.

    Every day, I'm either robotically numb and stoic or emotionally fragile. On the latter type of day, I can cry for hours and hours. If I do not receive love soon, something within me will go horribly wrong.

    By love, I mean more than the hugs, the laughter, the kindness received during the good times. By love, I mean the support received when things get bad, really bad, and your problems are serious, really serious.

    I wish that someone would give me a hug. Lots of my friends are very affectionate, but it's not the same as receiving a hug at the exact moment you need it most. I wish somebody would give me a hug, right now.

    I wish that I could cry and that someone would hold me without asking any questions. I wish that I could stay in that person's arms for the entire duration of my tears and not have to feel rushed or awkward about taking too long.

    I wish that someone would sit with me while I'm sad and keep me company without me having to say a word the entire time. I wish that we could sit together in silence and I won't have to feel obligated to entertain them or to be interesting or less depressing, less of a downer. I wish that someone REALLY wanted to be with me, that is, not even because they always find my company enjoyable, just because they actually care about me, whether my personality stimulates them or not.

    I wish that when I ask someone for help, they don't say "I know exactly how you feel" and proceed to tell an anecdote that supports their justification of sadness that is equal to mine. I wish that there could be moments where I don't always have to be the one expressing compassion and consideration for the entire world, always at my own expense. I wish that someone would actively demonstrate that they take what I say seriously by simply listening to it, without offering advice or opinions of their own.

    See, I have done all of the above for my friends, and I have always played the role of caretaker, the strong one, the mouthwateringly sweet and kind one, the altruistic type, unconditionally, and not only do I not have a problem with it, I wouldn't have it any other way. And I don't do anything nice to get anything in return. No, I crave love and kindness for myself in their own right, independently of anything that I have ever done. They don't even have to be from the same people that I have offered my support to. So my question of the day is:

    Is that so much to ask?

    I wonder, are my demands unreasonable, are my standards of other people too high? But no, they can't be, because even though no two people are the same, we do fall into certain categories and share similar characteristics with other people in that same group. I am not wholly unique, therefore, if there is one person like me, then there must be other people like me. Maybe that's what is meant when they say no man is an there are other people just as kind. I just have to find them. But I wonder, if these people are rare, are they valuable, precious, and beautiful? Or, if there are so few of them, then maybe they are not even worth seeking out or living for.

    It crushes me that when I need someone most, no one is there for me. I feel so goddamn alone.

    But on some level, my aloneness is a choice. I simply don't have the heart to unload all of this baggage onto someone I care about. It would be like asking someone to marry you on the first date.

    I'm so incredibly lost and ready to go any day. I don't think that anyone would mourn my passing all that deeply. I'm on the verge of suicide. Is there anyone else out there who is kind? Calling all kind people! Show me that life is still beautiful-I beg of you, of anyone...
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2009
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I wished the same things and I did the same things. Eventually I realized that by helping everyone else and not asking for or taking help made me look like I had no needs, therefore nobody filled my needs.

    Bit by bit, I learned not to be the strong one all the time. One day when the guys were arguing, instead of trying to help them through it even tho I was scared, I simply said, "you guys are scaring me." They immediately back peddled and insisted there wasn't a problem. Suddenly I no longer needed to solve a problem for someone else.

    Think about it awhile, then start making simple statements about how it is for you at that moment and bit by bit things will change for you.

  3. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    I guess I could try that...still, I'm so afraid of taking advantage of people's hospitality, pushing their limits, you know? Like I'm afraid that they will grow impatient with me when I slip. For example, I cut pretty often. I'm so afraid of reaching out to people and seeing how they react.
  4. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I'm a sophomore myself, and I feel the same way.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Reaching out does not make you weak it means your strong. People will help because most people are caring and understand. Use your talents to help others Go to college into a program that makes you happy and that you can be proud of I am glad you are reaching out here continue to do so you will see people do care.
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