desperation drives me to...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by marjoke, Apr 26, 2012.

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  1. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    all I can think about today is dying...how to end all this...I think I will succeed by jumping out of my window of the appartment...it could seem like an accident...cleaning the windows...reaching too far...fall...and then it will all be over...I just can't handle it anymore...the lonelyness is driving me crazy...I have to do something...just wanna die...
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Marjoke, sorry you feel so low. Please post on here and let us talk to you, you might even make a friend to lessen your loneliness.
     
  3. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    talking does not help...so why talking...it's all so useless...so hopeless...nothing can make me smile ever again...nothing can make me happy ever again...I partly died when Cedric did...now I want to end it all...
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You obviously miss Cedric, was he your partner?
     
  5. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    yes he was...but he is taken away from me :(

    I'm such a coward...couldn't do it... :( it seems too deep...I was too scared :(
    I'm such a loser...a failure...not worthed of living :( but I am not able killing myself (yet) :(
     
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You could not do what Marjo, live without him?
    I do not think you are a coward, you are overwhelmed with grief at your loss.
    Suicide is not a goal, it's a last resort. Please remember that.

    How would he feel reading how you describe yourself above?
     
  7. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I feel your loss and your pain. I lost my son - my best friend and an actual part of me. The pain was and IS incredible. I understand that it is hard to go on, but I have realized that I would dishonor him if I gave up. Instead, I fight every day to help families who have kids or teens who are going through turmoil and I do everything I can to be there for them, to support them, to advocate for them, to guide them, to share with them my experiences... in hopes that they do not have the kind of loss that I have. You are in that position too.

    In my opinion, the concept of "life after death" refers to how a person lives on in memories. The more someone is remembered for their goodness, the longer they live on in spirit.

    Oh it is difficult... and it is painful, that is for sure... but without this trying, the loved one would not be remembered. I have gone to extremes to remember my son and so that though he is not with us, his spirit fills each day and helps many people.

    You might consider those thoughts for what they're worth. They are real thoughts that are genuine and which are working for me.
     
  8. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    you must continue forward with us hand in hand.
     
  9. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I don't think he would like it ...but I can't help I feel this way...all I want is to be with him...I just want to join him...he can't join me anymore so it seems the only option I have...
     
  10. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed



    he does live in me...in my heart, in my mind, in my head in my whole being...I will never forget him...never let him go...and it hurts...keeps hurting...
    other people have a moment of mourning but they can go on with their life...I can't...I just can't...I wish so badly I could join him...because my life...like it is now is not worthed...it's a complete mess... and I am just slipping further and deeper away...this is no life...
     
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Have you seen anyone like a grief counsellor?
    Over time the raw grief of your loss will subside and in time you will be able to look forward.

    When did he pass away?
     
  12. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I don't think a grief counsellor excist here...never heard of it...

    Cedric passed away 4 years, 5 months and 9 days ago...
    I know you might say now that it is a long time already and that I have to go on...everybody does...
    For me...it seems like it happened yesterday... my life is over...actually...the biggest part of me died with him...
     
  13. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It takes time to get over things Marjo. It is something you have to work on.
    It sounds brutal but you must let yourself move on, he will always be a part of you but you are a whole person too and you deserve to live on.

    A grief counselor is simply a counselor that specialises in bereavements, helping people come to terms with a loss.
     
  14. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    yes...I know...I must move on...I know...I wish it would be easier...maybe I deserve to live...but what life do I have? A big emptyness is all I can see...
     
  15. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    As you move on you will see the life you can have, make new friends and maybe more. You will never replace Cedric but you can have a new relationship, when you are ready.
     
  16. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I will never be ready for that... my heart belongs to Cedric as long as I live...and still after...for ever...
     
  17. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That is fine too, you can be single like me. You could do charity work, something like that that honours his memory.
     
  18. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I hope I will be able once to do my job again...I am (was) a nurse but I completely broke down at my work, on oncology after we lost a young patient...it came all back to me and i felt deeper than I once had...it seems now I will never be able to do my job again...maybe it could on a less heavy section but like I am now...depressed... it is not even an option
     
  19. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It must be a very depressing place sometimes, Marjo. Can you transfer to somewhere less stressful first?
     
  20. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Like I am now...working is not an option...
    no one would like a depressed nurse to look after him...
     
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