Desperation

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Bryn, Aug 20, 2009.

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  1. Bryn

    Bryn New Member

    I have no money, maybe $30 left to my name. I have been looking desperately for a job, but I'm not qualified and/or able to do anything except very easy clerical work, and no one will hire me for even that. My phone is getting turned off today, so even if a job called I would never know. Internet and power will be shut off shortly. My truck has almost 300,000 miles on it and is falling apart. By the end of the month I will be homeless. I've been trying so hard with every ounce of energy I have, but everything just gets worse. I'm so panicked/stressed/depressed right now that I can hardly even move except to sit on my bed and rock back and forth and cry. I want to die so badly. No one is either able or willing to help me live but they say it will destroy them if I die. I know that I am useless and a burden on others and society. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die. I pray to God on my hands and knees everyday to let me die, just so I don't have to do it myself. My depression is so bad now because of the money situation that I can't even leave my room. Just the stress of leaving my room to go to the bathroom sets me into such a state of panic that I sob and vomit for hours on end. I can't even eat more than a cup of broth a day, and I usually vomit that back up. I need money so desperately. What is the point of staying alive if you have to forrage through trash cans for rotten food? I need money so bad, but there's nothing... just nothing
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling this way. Why not call the hospital go there and tell them how you feel. If you sign yourself in for help they will have councillors to help you. A discharge planner will help get you financial aide and a place to stay before discharge call crisis line or emerg and let them know you are wanting to hurt yourself die your desperate and get some help for yourself. Glad you can come here to vent but please reachout to crisis team and get help okay
     
  3. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Violet has some good advice. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what you're going through, but she's right... there are people who can help you get back on your feet. What you're going through sounds terrifying and I am afraid of winding up in the same place because my money is running out fast and getting/holding down a job is very difficult for me with my mental illness and lack of qualifications. Its probably hard at this point to take any action at all, but follow Violet's advice and take advantage of the resources out there.
     
  4. Bryn

    Bryn New Member

    Thanks for your kind words and advice. Unfortunately they are just not an option. I would never go to a hospital because I know a friend who was in a similar situation and he went there for help. They were incredibly mean to him and asked him all these leading questions trying to get him to say he wanted to hurt someone else (which he didn't). They ended up putting him in four point restraints overnight and calling the cops, and all he wanted was help... they treated him like a criminal and just made things worse for him. Every doctor I have been to has been very mean or just not cared at all. Also, if I can't find a way to come up with rent money, then not only will I lose my home and everything I own, but my four roommates will lose their home too (they can't afford to cover my share). I have tried to get government help, but they told me they couldn't help me because I was "the wrong color" (I'm white, and, yes, the lady actually said that word for word). I haven't found any programs I qualify for. In this economy and with my problems, I just don't see any hope at all.
     
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