despise life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Feb 19, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I've been sick for like the past week. Had to come to school because of a fucking test. I feel like shit.

    People make it way too hard to get help unless you're suicidal. They have ridiculous rules all because they want money. I never got my medicine because I wasn't able to get seen, and won't be until fuck knows when. I still have 7 ativan left, but I can't use them in case I need them later. I've felt like crying since I woke up this morning (its been like 3 hours now), still do, and am currently. I feel like something bad is going to happen every time I go to school and I'm alone for a long time. I get scared of the specific time frame; it could be a day from now, a week or a year, I don't know which, but I'm scared.

    If these assholes want me to get suicidal before they help me, I just might at this rate.

    My fiance's mom is dying. I can't die and have him lose me too. But I'm afraid of him hurting me. Of other people/things hurting me, too. Being that I'm mentally disabled, I filed for medical insurance a while ago. If they don't give it to me, I might just give up. Why should I keep trying if no one wants to help me? I don't just have mental conditions, I have a physical one too that needs immediate attention, yet I haven't been able to go to the doctor for 3 months. So if I'm still not able to because of that in a few weeks, maybe I should do it. I don't know what else to do. It's either that, or wait for my condition to get worse and kill me anyway.

    I so don't enjoy life. I only go to school 3 days a week but it feels like a lot more than that because I never enjoy my time off from it. I can't do this shit. I might leave class after my test. I just don't care to stick around...anywhere, really. Not just in class.
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Can you go back to the hospital today and get seen today?

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    go to the councillor at the school after your test and tell them how u are feeling and that you need help now The councilor will get u the help the referals you need okay ask for help coucnillor or call crisis line call your doctor and get in to get some help now.
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Only if I'm suicidal or actually having a panic attack at that very moment are they willing to do or give me anything. So I'm supposed to somehow get to the hospital, while having the panic attack still, or I can't get shit.

    And they'd only give me like a couple anyway, and then I'd have to see my family doctor or psychiatrist to get more and pay for that plus the ER. So might as well wait for the fucking psychiatrist to begin with.

    Fucking ridiculous bullshit is what it all is.
  5. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Okay, I decided fuck my psychiatrist, I'll see my mom's. They can get me in sooner.

    Also, to make sure I get what I need since I'm paying 200 bucks for this shit, I'm going to exagerrate the truth...because if I only tell them how it actually is, that I'm not sure what causes my anxiety besides fear of the future and being alone, and that I just cry and have typical panic symptoms, I don't know if they'll give it to me. From my experiences so far, this is all bullshit. No one wants to help, no one understands how much it hurts. So if I have to say that I have severe pain and trouble breathing, and I throw shit at people and act like a total lunatic, I will. People don't give a shit about the truth. They only care if it's absolutely unbearable. If you can still somewhat function sometimes, its not good enough to get any help. Youi have to wait until you completely lose your sanity, then come back.
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I can't handle all these problems. I'm going to end up with nothing in the end, with no choice but to die. I know it. I can feel it.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    when do you see the psychiatrist? can you hang on til then?
  8. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    My mom got me in on the 28th, but I'm freaking out because so many things can go wrong and with my luck, they will. if there's a .00001% chance of something bad happening to me, it will. I've learned that. I'm scared I won't get my medical insurance approved that I've applied for. Scared I won't get my anxiety medicine. Scared that I'll be a total loser that can't do anything until I die. I need my medical to keep seeing my therapist, to get a physical and geyt my driver's license, to get an important procedure done so that it doesn't turn into cancer...I'lm screwed if they deny me, and I'm just so scared that they will. That's when ill probably be paying another visit to the mental hospital for suicidal tendencies. That, or just do it and succeed, so I don't have any more fucking bills.

    I don't know if I can hold on til then. I have ativan that my fiance's mom gave me that I've been saving for a week. I do also have some alcohol and DXM to get fucked up off of, and I can always buy more alcohol I suppose. But if my fiance notices and gets pissed off, I'm screwed there too. I just don't know. I don't know what will happen. I'm scared.
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    maybe they'll have a cancellation before the 28th... can you call back and get on the emergency waiting list? every doctor has one. it might give you a little bit more hope. i'll be thinking of you in the meantime,

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