despondent almost to the point of catatonia

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by HawthornePassage, Dec 29, 2011.

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  1. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    seems like i share this characteristic with a lot of much older people who come out of traumatic experiences. originally i was able to do even very advanced things (and that was with many problems) but now the trash, clothes, and dishes pile up. its not really something i can control at all and im not depressed in any normal definition of the word (enduring sadness etc). it seems that I went through a lot of phases very quickly due to my fast mental pace and too much introspection, and burned myself out

    i dont like having no control over basic functions when my intellectual mind is very intact. especially when I have too much dignity to 'fade away' like this and almost not being able to take care of myself. im also generally a neat person rather than a messy one so i hate it even more, but I cant even 'hate' with any passion any more, it feels really pathetic and im a guy with very high confidence. things were never supposed to be like this, i needed so much more out of life and I only get more of the opposite the more it goes on. more of that 'void'. i usually eventually get around to chores and shit but it takes a really long time and an occasional 'burst' to do even the most basic things.

    unsurprisingly, this has also kept me here as committing suicide goes contrary to human nature and is hard enough without being a blob. and thats hardly a good thing, why live in a regressive state? i have a lot less emotional/mental resistance to the idea than most people and probably would have done it if I had easy access to something reliably lethal'. i realize that being interrupted or 'caught' would make things much worse especially if I ended up a vegetable with full self-awareness, which is basically my greatest fear out of all things. so because my intellectual mind is still intact it has kept me away from impulsiveness at the cost of building tension which explodes sometimes. but that will change, its only a matter of time. until then im extremely uncomfortable and restless.

    this is what happens when you go way beyond the stages of 'depression'

    as usual our 'humanity' is our weakest link and what drags us down, definitely the case with me. without that id be a machine but at least an efficient one instead of a broken one. im supposed to be a 'younger adult' but in no way am I like that at all, id rather be put down than left to rot
     
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