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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InnerStrength, Aug 3, 2008.

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  1. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Before I was afraid, now I'm sure this is what I want to do. Killing myself will be the only alleviator of my torment. Nothing will take away my self-doubt, nothing. I wanted to at least lose my virginity before I die, now I know my social anxiety and completely destructive self-esteem makes that impossible.

    But oh well, nothing I ever want will happen in my life, so there's no use dwelling on that. I've come to realize there are lives worth living, and those that aren't. Mine isn't, it's beyond pathetic.

    At least I'm accepting of my fate, I'm not meant to have friends, experience love, or find inner peace. I just want out, nothing in my life brings me pleasure, everything brings with it a downing of my already retarded self-esteem. I already know how I'm going to end it.

    I just feel so frustrated that I couldn't change my life, and that I'll never get a second chance, and right now this very second, a lot of people are living life the way they should. Life is beyond unfair.
  2. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    What things in your life has been disappointing?

    You mentioned self esteem issues.....body issues?

    What's been happening?
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Innerstrength. I'm 27 years old and I'm still a virgin and pretty soon I'll be a 30 year old virgin, and that doesn't bother me one bit. In our society we're lead to believe that if we don't live up to the norms then we must be pathetic losers, but you know what, that's a bunch of bullshit. Would you really be happier if you had sex with someone you didnt love? I think that being a virgin male is admirable, because it shows that we have enough self control to keep our dicks to ourselves. Please don't kill yourself. You have so much to live for and you shouldn't die a virgin. :hug:
  4. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I don't think the OP is saying the core of his issues are being a virgin.....it's the trapped feelings and torment of social anxiety etc. where one becomes isolated and self destructive because of the inability to connect and create relationships of any kind.

    That just gets to be a lonely world.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I guess you're right. Social anxiety does it make it difficult to connect with people. I might have that too. :sad:
  6. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Are you saying you are a virgin b/c of religious reasons ?

    OR deep down inside, you have fear and anxieties about intimacy and developing relationships of any kind---doesn't mean that one needs to engage in sexual acitivities?

    Myself, at work, with my work title,,,,,,I can play the part and "act" but as soon as the lounge fills with people, I cannot handle it.........I feel like crying and nothing makes sense. I just hide and find a quiet place to be by mself.
  7. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Yeah you got the gist of what I was trying to say. And Dave N, no I wouldn't really care if I did with someone I didn't love, as I don't believe in it.

    As for self-esteem issues, I hate myself unconditionally. I consider myself one of the world's biggest losers. There's no point in staying alive anymore.
  8. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Firstly, I referred you as "he" and I apologize if I assumed incorrectly.

    I'm curious, what things about you do you hate? what things triggered this sprialing down?

    Self esteem is such a deep and intimate part of us. I can relate to the self hate and self torment. I've been single for about 8 years and dealth with eating disorders that last 20 years and have experienced them to the point of psychosis.

    What are you looking for?
  9. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    You didn't assume wrong, pinkpetal. I'm a "he." And sorry to hear about your rough time.

    As for what I don't like about me, well, my personality, lack of smarts. And even though I've been told I'm good looking, I hate my looks as well. I would change every part of me if I could.

    What I was looking for out of life is a roaring social life, an attractive girlfriend, I want to have fun and experience excitement.
  10. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    What's wrong with your personality?

    Smarts? I think intelligence is achieved in many ways for every person.....wouldn't it be boring world if every sounded like a scientist? But seriously, learning is a neverending enterprise to gaining knowledge...........everyday we are learning--right?

    Fascinating Innerstrength, like you, I'm told I am extremely beautiful blah blah blah yet cannot seem to let go of perfection. do you find yourself comparing yourself to others?

    Why do you want a roaring social life?

    Why do you want an attractive gf?

    Why do you want to experience fun and excitement in life?
  11. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Hey again, pinkpetals. I don't know, when you have social anxiety it's hard to gain a personality, or to let it loose. Someone told me I was charismatic awhile ago, but again, I don't believe it.

    And believe me I could sound like a scientist if I wanted to, I have a large enough vocabulary, but my memory is shot for some reason, its hard to appear smart when you can't remember shit.

    Yeah, I compare myself to others, don't know if my comparisons are accurate or not. As for the last three questions, b/c they are fun, they bring pleasure. Without pleasure what's the point?
  12. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    what? memory problem? is it b/c you are constantly thinking of something else instead of focusing on what 's in front of you? blow to the head? drugs?

    why not gain personality in the privacy of your own home/room until you feel comfortable doing little things here and there?

    remember the movie "Footloose?"
  13. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't know why I have memory problems...

    And I'm honestly too tired to potst more as I took some sleeping aids. Thanks for trying to help.
  14. SullenGirl187

    SullenGirl187 Member

    None of us are born with healthy self esteems out of the womb. This is something that is cultivated, grown, gained through our actions in life. And by the encouragement of our loved ones, if we have loved ones. Which a lot of us don't. But the point is that to gain confidence in yourself you have to be willing to do the things you are so afraid of doing. It is once you accomplish the things in life that you feared the most that brings on confidence and self worth. You have to force yourself no matter how scared you are or how much you fear the rejection. Cause even if you get rejected, you will be happy that you conquered that fear. Using myself as an example, After high school I went to college but then dropped out cause I was convinced that I wasn't smart enough to pass the classes. I stayed out for 10 years. Then I met a guy who had confidence in me and encouraged me to go back to school. I remember that first class back cause I was crying uncontrollably in the bathroom during the break just berating myself on how stupid I was. It was like that every day for the entire semester. And then guess what? I Aced it! I got an A! I couldn't believe it! And slowly but surely my confidence in my intelligence gained because I had conquered a fear that I never thought I could conquer. It is the same with yourself. You will scream and cry and it will be so awful to face your fears but trust me, you will be so much better if you do.
  15. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you conquered your self-esteem issues, SullenGirl. Going back to school for me though is terrifying for me socially, I'm naturally too quiet to people I don't know, and I would wind up a total paranoid mess (moreso, heh). Going back to school would probably be my only other social outlet aside from work.

    But, it seems like I painted a rather pathetic picture of myself in the OP. I have people that consider me their friends, but I don't consider them to be.

    Anyway, I keep going back to how easy my method would be, and while not fullproof, it is a chance I'm willing to take. Thinking everyone in the world automatically hates you and is out to get you, and that you are worthless isn't the greatest feeling in the world.
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