Deterrence thread: those left behind

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by rezonatix3, Aug 19, 2009.

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  1. rezonatix3

    rezonatix3 New Member

    Arthur Miller famously said, "Suicide kills two people. That's what it's for." He was referring, of course, to the guilt and grief close surviving dependents feel after a suicide.

    When all hope is lost, this concern may be the only thing keeping some of us alive. One poster gave the following reasons "why suicide is NOT an option for me":

    What I am hoping to do with this thread is collect real-life stories about what those left behind are going through - as deterrence. This might seem a harsh way to go about things, but I strongly believe it is a message that some of us need to hear. Sometimes mere encouragement isn't enough.

    Of course, if it seems inappropriate, close the thread. Otherwise, what impact has a successful suicide had on people you know?
  2. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I am someone who is left behind, and I just want to join her.
  3. Necromanti

    Necromanti Well-Known Member

    This is definitely the worst part of suicide, as it is those that are left behind who shall suffer dearly in the dead one's stead.

    For me, however, it is no longer a deterrent, despite the fact that I wish it was...
    Instead, it engulfs me with insurmountable guilt. Just the mere thought of a parent losing their child is so painful and heart-wrenching.
    If anything, the thought fills me with even more despair and makes me even more depressed.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am left with so much pain and guilt with my brothers death It will never go away thinking i could have prevented it somehow i should have but i didn't. I wasn't there for him The pain is so crushing i will never forgive me I hate me so much I will have this with me until it is my turn. I can't go now because i know my daughter and twin would carry this pain with them and that i can't pass on.
  5. rezonatix3

    rezonatix3 New Member

  6. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    This is what has kept me going, but it gets to a point where one thinks, well who cares, I wont be here anyway...yes suicide is selfish.
  7. jackfoo123

    jackfoo123 Member

    If we die, some people may be hurt. If we live on, others wont be hurt but we may have to struggle in agony. So its either they or me. Who to suffer they or me? I dont know...
  8. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Okay, firstly let me say that I have never lost anyone to suicide. I have, however, lost someone and believed that I could have prevented their death .. which is, I guess, how people left behind after a suicide feel.

    The thought of putting other people through what I have felt is what always calms me down and makes me see sense when I feel low.

    P.S. I think this is a really good thread. Sometimes when you feel low, and / or suicidal, you feel like no one would care if you were gone, and it's very hard to see past that to how much people *really* love you. :hug: rezonatix3
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2009
  9. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    That's the real question. Who is more important? They or me?

    To me... I've always had everyone else more important. My girlfriend, my mom, my friends...

    Well now, it's my turn to be important. I want to not suffer anymore.
  10. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    As I just lost my best friend to suicide I can definitely relate to what the OP is trying to do. I know now that I could never do that to my family unless I was terminally ill and assisted suicide was legal. I don't think that anyone who is terminal and in agony whould be forced to live. Obviously you can also make a case for agonizing mental anguish, but for me, I have been changed by the recent experience I've had to deal with.
  11. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    Those left behind can learn to accept it, damn it all!

    As far as I am concerned, saying I should not kill myself because it will hurt those left behind is a form of blackmail. It is a subset of the "suicide is selfish" argument.

    Is it not not possible that my family and friends want me to continue to live for their own selfish reasons?

    In other words, what they are saying is that since my suicide will make them feel bad, I should stay alive and continue suffering so they do not have to. Since when does their suffering count for more than mine? Whose life is it anyhow? If I decide to end my life, then my friends and loved ones (not that I have many) can damn well learn to cope with and accept my decision. If they love me as much as they claim, is that too much to ask?

    As a brilliant but ananymous writer on the web says:

    "The sole argument that suicide is selfish doesn't mean that it shouldn't be
    allowed. Let's consider a man who leaves his country, family and friends,
    and goes for instance to India to join a secluded religious sect. He too has
    abandoned all of his previous duties, but his acts are not illegal.

    I wonder what people who use this cliche would say about an old lonely man
    who has no friends and family and is retired ( so he is also of no use to
    society ). Would they approve the suicide of such a man? I guess not.
    However the death of this man does not cause any harm to the community.
    Furthermore, even if it might be possible for this man to contribute to
    society ( doing some volunteer work at a hospital for example ) then the
    cost of suffering for this man might still substantially outweigh the
    benefits for society."
  12. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    This is really all that's kept me going for auite a while. I don't reckon I deserve my life, I don't think I deserve the love and frienship of those around me, but I can't exactly convince them otherwise. I'd rather take that pain on myself than have it on even one person. I don't have that right. I'm not worth that right. I'll live for them rather than me.
  13. rezonatix3

    rezonatix3 New Member

    Re: Those left behind can learn to accept it, damn it all!

    While I can appreciate this sentiment, at some point I have to make peace with the fact that we live in an imperfect world - and so may need imperfect reasons to live. I am reminded of the following exchange from the movie Seven, between William Somerset and David Mills (played by Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt):

    Somerset: I just don't think I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue.

    Mills: You're no different. You're no better.

    Somerset: I didn't say I was different or better. I'm not. Hell, I sympathize; I sympathize completely. Apathy is the solution. I mean, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life. It's easier to steal what you want than it is to earn it. It's easier to beat a child than it is to raise it. Hell, love costs: it takes effort and work.​

    Yes - exactly right.
  14. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    I haven't seen anything yet on this thread I'd consider a deterrent to my committing suicide. Perhaps the stories are too painful to relate?
  15. rezonatix3

    rezonatix3 New Member

    It's probably just that this particular forum doesn't work that way. In another forum,, painful stories are related in every other thread. It's overwhelmingly heartwrenching.

    I haven't read any studies on grief, but some commonalities seem to exist between most of the stories. The birthdays are always dreaded, and the first year, or the "year of firsts", is very difficult because every experience is totally new - the first Christmas without the deceased person, for instance. However, the second year may actually be even tougher than the first, depending on the amount of denial up to that point. Grieving is a process where one has to "do the work", but many people feel guilt over letting their memories go.

    It takes years, and there's no definite ending to it, no closure, judging from the number of people who describe how their emotions continue to resurface. Religious approaches, such as celebrating their "birthday in heaven", is a way to cope for some.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2009
  16. elleanne

    elleanne Well-Known Member

    I am one of those someones left behind. My step-mother, best friend and brother all took their own lives. The guilt is hell. However, I do respect that they all felt that suicide was their only option. I know how my suicide would effect the three members of family I have left. The guilt keeps me alive, but I dread being bitter about it.
  17. Bubble

    Bubble Well-Known Member

    I was left behind and not a day goes by that I dont wish he was still here with me and i dont care if its selfish because I am at complete loss without him.
  18. sad panda

    sad panda Well-Known Member

    I think my family feeling pain is something I don't mind. Maybe if they felt pain knowing I had died, maybe they would actually acknowledge my existence, or what it was.
  19. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    My best friend's brother committed suicide 12 years ago, and that is my biggest deterrent. The pain she feels is palpable, and there is nothing that can be done to make it better.

    My mother is dead and I am completely estranged from the rest of my immediate family. I have a brother, but I HATE him and don't really care how he'd feel if I killed myself. He probably wouldn't even know for years --we haven't spoken since mid-2005 or seen each other since 2003. I will most likely die before he does, and I'm sure he will be glad. I certainly wouldn't care if he died. But my friend...I don't want to hurt my friend. They say you can't choose your family but I think you can. My father and brother are NOT my family, but my friend is. And I really don't want to hurt her but I don't know how much more I can take.
  20. depleted_soul

    depleted_soul Well-Known Member

    Although I know that my suicide would hurt some people, it does not deter my plans for doing it. That may seem selfish but I can't continue to live a life of misery and pain just to spare a few people the pain of losing me. To me that's like saying their feelings are more important than mine--make a decision so others won't suffer even though my existence is pure hell. I just can't do that. I'm the only one who has to live my life and the only one who will every truly understand what I continue to deal with. So for once, instead of putting the feelings of others ahead of myself, when it comes to whether or not I'll commit suicide, I have to put myself first.

    Death is inevitable, as is the pain it causes. Regardless of the manner in which a person dies, there will always be people left behind who wish they were still here.
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