I am new here and have never in my life aired these thoughts so forgive me for going on and on. And please forgive my broken english. I cannot understand what is wrong with my persona. I'm a 26-year old law student, doing my last term with rather good grades. First serious depression about ten years ago, suicidal, cut myself and starved but few noticed. Had several periods of depression since and have been on medications during some of these. Live in a northern european country so naturally affected by SAD as well. The depressions I can "manage", at least I can explain them to some degree since my father seem to suffer from the same problem. What I can't get a grip on is my personality. Whan I ask my friend how they view me they tend to describe me as intelligent, funny, ambitious, goodlooking and someone who'll be generally successful in life. I keep up appearances to some degree but my "funny" personality isn't very fun to live with at all. Nothing i real life seems fun or worth bothering with. My future seems meaningless and I feel that life is just a road to nowhere. The only thing that really affect me is beauty. I am - on the inside - mean and think of most people as scum who are happy to dwell in the dirt like pigs whereas I strive to lead an "intellectual" life. Yes, I do know how stupid and pretentious it sounds. I am high strung and get furious when people act in ways I disapprove of - spitting, being loud, dressing inproperly etc. I dismiss so many, most likely unfair, as trash. I am extremely fascinated by beauty and spend hours upon hours on the net just looking at things and people that appeal to my aesthetic senses. It has a calming and uplifting effect if I'm in a good mood but increases my anxiety if I'm feeling low, yet I do not stop looking and searching for more. I tend to obsess about certain things or people for a while - a couple of months or even years - and when I've had enough of one subject another one is sure to come. What the fruit is this obsessivness about? My family and friends make fun of me and my "obsessions" which I secretly find very hurtful. I try not to even mention whatever I'm into at the moment since I'm so fed up with others treating me like a teenager with a celebritycrush yet I can't hide this side of my since it makes me happy - and sometimes sad - and also because I feel that it is unfair to be treated like a freak because you appreciate beauty beyond whatever pleases your sexual preferences. This makes me feel like a freak yet superior to other since they do not understand beauty - again with the pretentiousness! - and I feel very lonely. One side of me want to get rid of this behaviour since it doesn't seem to benefit me in other ways that aesthetic gratification, yet another part of me am quite happy about being able to adore what others are blind to. I can't seem to fit my obsessive behaviour into any category and would be very happy if anyone could muster the energy to read what I've written and maybe say a couple of words.