Detest others, obsess about beauty

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Sardine, Dec 7, 2009.

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  1. Sardine

    Sardine New Member

    I am new here and have never in my life aired these thoughts so forgive me for going on and on. And please forgive my broken english.

    I cannot understand what is wrong with my persona. I'm a 26-year old law student, doing my last term with rather good grades. First serious depression about ten years ago, suicidal, cut myself and starved but few noticed. Had several periods of depression since and have been on medications during some of these. Live in a northern european country so naturally affected by SAD as well.

    The depressions I can "manage", at least I can explain them to some degree since my father seem to suffer from the same problem. What I can't get a grip on is my personality. Whan I ask my friend how they view me they tend to describe me as intelligent, funny, ambitious, goodlooking and someone who'll be generally successful in life. I keep up appearances to some degree but my "funny" personality isn't very fun to live with at all.

    Nothing i real life seems fun or worth bothering with. My future seems meaningless and I feel that life is just a road to nowhere. The only thing that really affect me is beauty.
    I am - on the inside - mean and think of most people as scum who are happy to dwell in the dirt like pigs whereas I strive to lead an "intellectual" life. Yes, I do know how stupid and pretentious it sounds. I am high strung and get furious when people act in ways I disapprove of - spitting, being loud, dressing inproperly etc. I dismiss so many, most likely unfair, as trash.

    I am extremely fascinated by beauty and spend hours upon hours on the net just looking at things and people that appeal to my aesthetic senses. It has a calming and uplifting effect if I'm in a good mood but increases my anxiety if I'm feeling low, yet I do not stop looking and searching for more. I tend to obsess about certain things or people for a while - a couple of months or even years - and when I've had enough of one subject another one is sure to come.
    What the fruit is this obsessivness about? My family and friends make fun of me and my "obsessions" which I secretly find very hurtful. I try not to even mention whatever I'm into at the moment since I'm so fed up with others treating me like a teenager with a celebritycrush yet I can't hide this side of my since it makes me happy - and sometimes sad - and also because I feel that it is unfair to be treated like a freak because you appreciate beauty beyond whatever pleases your sexual preferences.

    This makes me feel like a freak yet superior to other since they do not understand beauty - again with the pretentiousness! - and I feel very lonely. One side of me want to get rid of this behaviour since it doesn't seem to benefit me in other ways that aesthetic gratification, yet another part of me am quite happy about being able to adore what others are blind to.

    I can't seem to fit my obsessive behaviour into any category and would be very happy if anyone could muster the energy to read what I've written and maybe say a couple of words.
  2. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I'd say.... borderline.
  3. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    Not everything actually fits into a catagory, and if it does its probably not teh catagory you thought it was and it definatly doesnt fit the same as you thought either.

    if its bothering you that much i defiantly suggest that you find a professional to give you another perspective on the issue and to bring things to your attention that you may not have caught. they may also be able to give you that defined catagory your looking for.
  4. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Mmmm.....there is so much contridiction in your post. You say on one hand that you are more intelligent/better than other people, but on the other you believe that you are mean, a freak and lonely. I wonder if your obsession with, and need to be feel like, you are better than other people is one part of yourself trying to deflect away from your core feelings of being a horrid, bad person? E.g sometimes what we hate the most in others is what we actually hate the most in ourselves. I actually don't think you are pretentious at all, from your post it sounds like you are kinda insecure about your thoughts and opinions and are scared of them being rejected. It sounds as though you put yourself down first before anyone else can (i say this because you point out and apologies for the flaws you talk about constantly in your post). On top of that you are very angry...perhaps another defense mechanism to stop yourself feeling bad?

    I get obsessed with things too, although not beautiful things exactly (btw when you say beautiful things are you talking art etc or is it only celebs?), but i do understand how it can make you feel better when you have these things in your life. It isn't necessarily a bad thing that you've found something that makes you feel better, but perhaps if it is intefering with how you view yourself, others and your daily life it may have spiralled into something unhealthy.

    That feeling that your life is meaningless and nothing is fun or worth bothering about sounds like depression. It may be worth going back to your drs and getting them to adjust your medication. Also therapy can be helpful, but it takes time to find someone you 'click' with so if it doesn't work out the first time don't tell yourself that its you that is stupid or that all therapist are pointless (i say this only because that is exactly what i'd normally say to myself!), but put it down to experience and try another one.
  5. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    be more sensitive - i think s/he is looking for understanding, not a diagnosis
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2010
  6. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    1) The reason you think most people are scum, is because most people are scum. I don't think there's a problem with you there. (the irony is that the scum don't worry about being scum, and yet the good people out there think they are scum. how fucked up is that?)

    2) aesthetic gratification... that's a good thing. Look at your hand, it's amazing isn't it? My hand is amazing, and all the hands of everyone else out there are amazing too. Life's full of contradiction isn't it?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2010
  7. PainEngulfsMe

    PainEngulfsMe Active Member

    I agree there's a lot of people living who are 'scum'. Though I'd give reasoning for good people to think there scum, could be that the person did something they know is wrong, so they have guilt, doesn't mean they are scum, if a person makes one bad choice in a life time, they did pretty dam well in my opinion.

    also, the fact that a person may question if they are scum or not shows they care, at least to some extent.
  8. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    You don't sound pretentious, you sound arrogant. Tell me, what makes you better than others? Where do you get the right to dismiss others as trash? You don't like being treated badly, but you don't mind thinking badly of others? Maybe if you treated others better, you would be treated better yourself.

    You should know that most people don't behave in the manner you describe. That behaviour sounds characteristic of a teenager, or maybe a drunkard. I don't think highly of people like that either, but I still respect them as humans. If you think that most people dress inappropriately, spit, and are loud, then you aren't very intelligent at all. Or do you think of people as scum for little to no reason? Are you going to think of me as scum for criticizing you?

    On the issue of beauty, I wouldn't stress over it. Most people enjoy looking at beautiful things because they raise endorphins, so you don't sound so different, except that you say you spend hours looking at beautiful things. That is a bit strange, but unless it's taking over your life it doesn't sound like a big deal. It is to you though, so I won't belittle it. Try looking at less, or go some time without it, and see how you cope.

    Welcome to the forums, I hope you treat people well here. Most, if not all of us, are suffering, and won't want to be treated badly. If you have any problems we are more than happy to help you with them, and not all members will criticize you like I have. I think it's good you don't cut anymore, and that you are going to law school, you're doing more than I am. Keep on posting so we can help you some more, if you want to, and hopefully you can help some others while you are here too. Again, welcome.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2010
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