Devastated by my husband

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sirius, Apr 10, 2010.

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  1. sirius

    sirius New Member

    I've never been suicidal before. I've certainly had the occasional bouts of depression, but nothing like this.

    Here's the deal. In March of 2003, I married my best friend.. a man I referred to as my soulmate. I'll refer to him as J. I married young.. at 19. I'd known him since I was 13 years old. I loved him infinitely and trusted him completely. I prided myself on choosing well when my friends' marriages were crumbling around them due to the kind of men they'd chosen. I thought I was smarter than that. I thought we were stronger.

    We had a good marriage.. rarely fought, went on a lot of trips and vacations together, had a great sex life.

    Then my mother died and I simultaneously found myself pregnant. I was depressed. I had a difficult pregnancy. We stopped having sex. When my son was 6 months old, I was sent on a deployment.

    J stopped communicating with me halfway through my deployment.. he rarely answered e-mails, didn't answer my calls. I told him that I wanted to go to marriage counseling when I returned to try to work things out.

    I have never cheated on him. Even when we weren't getting along, even when I was depressed, I still loved him infinitely. Let me add that it was a difficult deployment.. we were under constant attack and my barracks were blown up. At the time when I needed a friend the most, he ignored me.

    The day I returned from my deployment, I knew something was off. I kept asking him what was going on and he wouldn't give me any answers. When I logged on the computer that night, I saw that it was already on and logged in with an e-mail staring me in the face.. from some strange girl telling him how much she loves him and how much she likes his kisses. On top of that, I noticed when I logged into my personal e-mail that my personal e-mail was in the history logs.. he'd been illegally logging into my e-mail the entire time I was deployed and reading my personal correspondance with friends!

    I woke him and asked him if there was something he needed to tell me. He admitted to having fallen in love with a girl. I asked if he had sex with her and if he wanted to be with her instead of me.. he said no to both questions. The next day he admitted he'd lied, that he'd been sleeping with her all along, and he served me with divorce papers.

    I thought I was doing well with this, given the circumstances. I thought I was strong enough to deal with the divorce.. in fact, this occurred months ago and we just received the final degree. It hurt, but not nearly as much what I'm going through now.

    I wanted to stay friends. I still care about him, even if I'm no longer allowed to love him. We have so many memories together from a good marriage. I discovered that he was telling his girlfriend EVERYTHING about me.. the good, the bad, the private.. and I'm an extremely private person, so I was very annoyed at that. I asked him, as a friend, to please stop talking about me to her.. and he responded that he doesn't care how I feel about it because he doesn't care at all about ME, that he doesn't want to remain friends.

    How can he just "turn it off" after 7 years of marriage, 12 years of friendship? How can he stop caring COMPLETELY? As much as he's tortured me, I desperately wanted to maintain a friendship for the sake of my son. How is it that he's still living under MY roof, sleeping in MY bed (albeit without sex), and he can still claim that he no longer cares? I'm putting the house in his name and moving next month, so I won't have to worry about being under the same roof as him anymore, but for now I feel like I'm going insane.

    All I can think about is my body hanging from the ceiling fan. Would he still not care then? It's heartbreaking to lose your husband.. but to lose your best friend on top of that.. devastating. I thought that perhaps he didn't mean it, that he was only saying it to hurt me, so I put a knife to my throat.. and he STILL walked out to go see his mistress instead of talk to me as a friend. I feel so trapped. I have no one to talk to about any of this.

    This is so hard.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    He is emotionally abusing you now You do not put anything in his name okay
    You get a lawyer now right now and you fight for your rights and you take your son who needs you attention more than ever and you leave.
    You go to a relatives a women sheltler but you leave and you get legal advice
    this so called friend is looking after himself and not caring a dam abt his son or you

    Do it now get a lawyer and get a home for you and your son where you cannot be emotionally abused anymore. Don't give this man a thing let him move out It is he who has destroyed the family let him move

    Time to take care of your son now okay and you only pick up phone and get a lawyer.
  3. jondoe7

    jondoe7 Member

    you poor thing. i feel your pain. try to stay alive....what branch are you in?
  4. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    Hi sirius I'm sorry to hear you are going through this mess I don't usually comment but I too was betrayed by my 1st wife while serving my country and to be honest it leaves such a bitter taste in your mouth knowing while you're getting shot at the husband/wife is playing house with some pencil neck a***hole just to pass the time. I can appreciate the sacrifice our partners have to make but that is the life they marry into as it is with the choice you made as a soldier and the usual excuse is it gets so lonely ................... you know the rest it's the universal excuse. :angry:

    The only advise I can give is the same as violet you and your son that's what matters.

    I know how you feel sirius PM if you need to unload.
  5. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Sirius, once again I agree with Violet and I'm glad you came here to talk it out. You need someone to help you with the emotional torment you are going through right now, all of this is too much for one person on their own and the fact that you are trying to look after your son and have this guy under your roof still is so unfair.

    I won't pretend to know what his motivations were, I mean he just sounds like a sick little individual and I remember when my mother once told me "you can never truly know a person", everything that has happened here is exactly what she was talking about and it is horrible that he has done this to you. I don't know how somebody can be so heartless!!

    First of all HE needs to be the one to move out, all of the wrongdoings were by HIM. You shouldn't lose your house over this, but you do need to get away from him. Because you are never truly going to be able to get better and stop from having these thoughts until you aren't anywhere near him.

    I will also say if you need to see your Doctor and take some medication to prop you up or seek out some counselling, do so and don't feel ashamed about it. It can help.
  6. I totally feel your pain.

    The only difference for me was that we weren't married, and she ended up having a baby with another guy. She never got too big during her pregnancy (even in the last month), so I just figured she was putting on weight which I was fine with me because I loved her.

    I didn't find out that she was having a baby until the day after the baby was born on a social networking website. She told me that she made a mistake and that she didn't tell me because she didn't want to lose me. I am completely devastated.

    If you're going through sleepless nights, no eating, and feel like you're going to die from a heart attack... trust me, I feel your pain. Deep down I don't want to die -- I just want the pain to go away, and I hope that you do too. Other than this she was perfect in every way, and I'm just afraid that I'll never find anyone like her ever again.
  7. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    please feel free to talk about it all you want here.
    We're always here to listen and give you support!

    your story could've been mine if circumstances were slightly different...
    I was with my guy for 8 years- since I was 15; and one day last summer he said that he hadn't loved me for the last 2 years of our relationship.
    I don't understand how one side could be so faithful and in love-- while the other side could just lose interest like that...

    This is a pain that many people are lucky enough to never have to experience... only the unfortunate few.
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree with violet too...
    this man is abusing you....
    put your needs first and forget what he wants....
    he has treated you terribly and you deserve better....
    hold on and you will get through this..he is not worth you taking your life over....
    he is not worth your son losing his mother....
    take care....hugs
  9. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Oh God. Your post brought back a lot of awful memories about when I learnt that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. I'm am terribly sorry that you have to go through this, especially given the fact you got married and had a child together. It makes you wonder why such brave people should risk their life for a country full of people who could do such a thing to the ones they (once) love(d). I really really don't think that you should just give up your house because I'm certain that somewhere along the line you will end up regretting he. HE had the affair, HE lied about it so HE is the one who should suffer the consequences; not be given a house for it! What kind of message are you giving him? Do you really want him and his new girlfriend living in your marital home? Honestly, as Violet said, get a lawyer and get him out of your life for good. He doesn't deserve you, your son OR your house. Scum like that shouldn't be rewarded for hurting other people so badly. =/
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe this is a time to leave the abuse have served your country, for which I am thankful, and now, it is time to serve yourself...maybe professional help is warranted at this time...please continue to post and let us know how you are...PM me if I can help...welcome and please know there is much support here for you...big hugs, J
  11. sirius

    sirius New Member

    Thank you so much for all of the advice. It's ridiculous that so many people have gone through this exact thing. Why? Why do people do this to one another? It makes me lose faith in all humanity. It really seems that human beings cannot be trusted to remain faithful and loyal in a monogamous relationship. I've already had trust issues after what happened to my mother (she was the "other woman" with a man, my father, who promised her that he would leave his wife for her.. and never did, and subsequently wanted nothing to do with me). My mother married a few years before she passed away, but her husband made a show of sleeping around with his high school students and emotionally abused her all the way up to the day she died. My very first boyfriend, whom I loved deeply and passionately for several years, broke up with me when I was 18 because I was moving away and a long distance relationship, however temporary, wasn't convienient to him. I was heartbroken. And then the only other man in my life, my husband, is doing THIS to me. I've had a rough time when it comes to the men in my life.

    Perhaps I should become a lesbian. :)
  12. Stray

    Stray Account Closed

    This guy is a fucking asshole! Reading your post really has made me feel sick. If he had done that to me he would of been out on the street. Change the locks and throw his stuff out the window.
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you should look after you and your son now no ifs about it. Please get legal advice and kick him to the curb or move out with your son and start a new life for you. You are worth so much more than what he says love yourself and your son get legal help okay and do what is right for you.
  14. My previous girlfriend died from Sepsis following a routine surgery. I thought I'd never get over it until I came across this girl who who ended up having another man's baby and didn't tell me because she was afraid of losing me. I'm not sure where to go from here quite frankly.

    Some of us were given the gift of relationships and marriage while others were given the gift of singleness. It seems like whoever has one, wants the other. Like you I want things to work out like you wouldn't believe, but life throws challenges in our way... always.

    It's just hard when you invest so much and plan so much for the future and then all of a sudden it ends in a blink. You feel devastated, lost and like a piece of you just died. It was nice reading your story, not that I would wish it on my worst enemy, but it gives me comfort knowing that I'm not alone, and I hope you feel the same.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 11, 2010
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    great advice from stray....I just wasn't game to say it.....
    look after you and your are important....
  16. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Heartbreaking. I experienced something similar a couple years ago and still havent gotten over it. Ive actually gotten worse because its affected my life so much since then. Im so sorry for your experience and understand your pain.
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