I've never been suicidal before. I've certainly had the occasional bouts of depression, but nothing like this. Here's the deal. In March of 2003, I married my best friend.. a man I referred to as my soulmate. I'll refer to him as J. I married young.. at 19. I'd known him since I was 13 years old. I loved him infinitely and trusted him completely. I prided myself on choosing well when my friends' marriages were crumbling around them due to the kind of men they'd chosen. I thought I was smarter than that. I thought we were stronger. We had a good marriage.. rarely fought, went on a lot of trips and vacations together, had a great sex life. Then my mother died and I simultaneously found myself pregnant. I was depressed. I had a difficult pregnancy. We stopped having sex. When my son was 6 months old, I was sent on a deployment. J stopped communicating with me halfway through my deployment.. he rarely answered e-mails, didn't answer my calls. I told him that I wanted to go to marriage counseling when I returned to try to work things out. I have never cheated on him. Even when we weren't getting along, even when I was depressed, I still loved him infinitely. Let me add that it was a difficult deployment.. we were under constant attack and my barracks were blown up. At the time when I needed a friend the most, he ignored me. The day I returned from my deployment, I knew something was off. I kept asking him what was going on and he wouldn't give me any answers. When I logged on the computer that night, I saw that it was already on and logged in with an e-mail staring me in the face.. from some strange girl telling him how much she loves him and how much she likes his kisses. On top of that, I noticed when I logged into my personal e-mail that my personal e-mail was in the history logs.. he'd been illegally logging into my e-mail the entire time I was deployed and reading my personal correspondance with friends! I woke him and asked him if there was something he needed to tell me. He admitted to having fallen in love with a girl. I asked if he had sex with her and if he wanted to be with her instead of me.. he said no to both questions. The next day he admitted he'd lied, that he'd been sleeping with her all along, and he served me with divorce papers. I thought I was doing well with this, given the circumstances. I thought I was strong enough to deal with the divorce.. in fact, this occurred months ago and we just received the final degree. It hurt, but not nearly as much what I'm going through now. I wanted to stay friends. I still care about him, even if I'm no longer allowed to love him. We have so many memories together from a good marriage. I discovered that he was telling his girlfriend EVERYTHING about me.. the good, the bad, the private.. and I'm an extremely private person, so I was very annoyed at that. I asked him, as a friend, to please stop talking about me to her.. and he responded that he doesn't care how I feel about it because he doesn't care at all about ME, that he doesn't want to remain friends. How can he just "turn it off" after 7 years of marriage, 12 years of friendship? How can he stop caring COMPLETELY? As much as he's tortured me, I desperately wanted to maintain a friendship for the sake of my son. How is it that he's still living under MY roof, sleeping in MY bed (albeit without sex), and he can still claim that he no longer cares? I'm putting the house in his name and moving next month, so I won't have to worry about being under the same roof as him anymore, but for now I feel like I'm going insane. All I can think about is my body hanging from the ceiling fan. Would he still not care then? It's heartbreaking to lose your husband.. but to lose your best friend on top of that.. devastating. I thought that perhaps he didn't mean it, that he was only saying it to hurt me, so I put a knife to my throat.. and he STILL walked out to go see his mistress instead of talk to me as a friend. I feel so trapped. I have no one to talk to about any of this. This is so hard.