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my friend is pregnant and i know i should be happy for her but it only digs a deeper hole in my soul because it shows me how i have nothing and nothing to live for.
and starting from here the gates of pain have opened to me and im overwhelmed by this pain and i dont know how to cope
Many people find it hard to cope with depression. After all its not like you've been trained to deal with it and likely know little about how it works.
Thankfully its not your fault - its not something you have bought on yourself its just something that happens like any other illness or medical condition.
What you feel right now is a reaction to a very frightening condition which allows negativity to pretty much overburden you and dictate the way you think.
This makes you feel sad over the pregnancy as your using that happy event to judge your own lack of happiness. This seems unfair - and IT IS, mainly because there are ways to cope with depression and your not being fair to yourself if you do not try some of the methods used to cope or even eliminate the darkness.
Depression also makes you isolate yourself - hence loneliness.
You got to take steps to overcome the depression and loneliness. Might seem like its a world away right now but for all you know there might be someone waiting for you to bump into them next month.
You think life is not worth it - but its worth more than you ever imagine.
Be a friend to yourself - seek some help, talk to people. Don't keep it all to yourself!
throw the booze away okay it only makes you more depressed and the pills too
you will only feel worse later on. Call your doc and see if you can go back to hospital for awhile okay until your medication kicks in hugs to you