Hi guys,my first post and I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few months. I have been through a lot already in my life - emotional and physical abuse when young,several siblings dead before I was 18 due to a genetic illness,then I found out I also carried the gene for this illlness so no babies,not the prettiest of women, had an eating disorder for a long long time,was in an abusive relationship,bit of a loner so friendships were sporadic etc. But, despite all the above, I never really thought about actually killing myself.Yes, I thought about it but I always found a reason to keep going, small things like books, films,music,people sometimes though rarely. About 11 years ago,my life changed in so many ways, for the better.I moved to a city I settled in and loved,met my gorgeous man, now my husband,got a job I really like, have made a few close friends,got more confidence in my looks, everything seemed to be coming together and I really was happy for the last decade. I was hitting my 40th birthday end of last year and even said to my husband, I have had a good ten years and I am grateful for that. My nightmare started a month before my 40th - pain, pain, pain.I got the bladder infection from hell, got misdiagnosed for 3 months, numerous antibiotics and was left in this pain, then to be told I have Intersistial Cystitis, which is incurable, gets worse and for which treatments for sufferers can make them better or make them worse and where one thing might work for someone and not work for someone else. I have gone through all the emotions of why in Gods name this would happen to me now when I had got my life together, was happy and this excruciatingly painful condition hits me. It has stripped me of everything I had - good food (I cant eat anything nice now without aggravating my bladder),my sex life, my job, confidence in going out with people, has isolated me because I cant have a drink now. There are stories out there of people who have recovered from this disease, I am trying to be one of them but there are many many more who dont recover and seem to end up bed bound, crippled in pain and bleeding from their bladders. This IC, for me, is my final straw. I survived so much already, to be given this, is too much. I seriously thought about suicide before Christmas, about twice. It has hit again lately because I am trying desperately to recover (through diet and supplements) and it could be working but I dont know. I wake up every day not knowing if I will have pain or not, and when I do, I want to crawl into a corner and have a gun put to my head. I dont know really why I posted here, my mother wouldnt survive me killing myself, she has lost several children already but I feel I am going to give her a heart attack as I ring her when I dont know what is going on with my bladder and my body any more. I cant believe this has happened to me, I really cant and that is why, after everything else I have survived in my life, I cannot take this condition. I cannot describe to anyone how bad the pain is when it strikes, pain killers did not touch it before Christmas. The thing that kills me, really really gets me, is that when I researched the people who get this thing, a lot of sufferers seem to be the most vulnerable of people, those who have been abused or been traumatised by events, I just thought, its unbelievable, people who have already been through so much getting a painful incurable condition which affects every single aspect of their lives. Sorry guys, I dont know why I posted, I dont want to die but I cant live for the rest of my life in fear of my bladder, my body and to inflict this on my husband.