Diary by CandleLight (replies welcome)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by CandleLight, Apr 9, 2016.

  1. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Today I saw my horse. She's an American Bashkir Curly Horse, and yes she actually has a curly coat! I bet you never heard of a poodle-horse before! Haha. But in the spring she loses most of her curls.

    Carly's basically a Mustang, the breed of horse that still runs in a few wild herds in the United States. Carly is short and stocky, with a neat color of red with white flecks (this is called a roan coat- they also come in blue [really gray]). Carly also has a lot of opinions about a lot of things. :)

    I gave Carly her grain and some grass pellets, and brushed her a lot with the shedding comb. When I am with my horse, my head gets so quiet. My PTSD symptoms literally disappear, for the time I am with her. I don't even mind spending over an hour combing every burr out of her mane and tail. :)

    Carly is the biggest slow-poke of a horse you ever saw. When I ride her, she stops a lot. Or refuses to go in a straight line. Or both. She's not used to being ridden much, and even before I got her she didn't get saddled up very often for many years. And she likes it that way. Carly will go on a trail ride if I make her, but really prefers being petted while eating a bucket of grain. What a life!

    I worry a whole lot about possible upcoming emergency vet bills, as I am homeless and really, really struggling financially. But Carly helps to keep me going, so I would never give her up. We mean a lot to each other.
     
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  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Candlelight, I can so relate to how you feel around our four legged friends, I get the same peace and stillness when I'm with my dog Bella :) just looking at her fills my heart with love and all the negative feelings fall away. Carly sounds beautiful and I know her love will heal your PTSD It's amazing how they have their own unique personalities too :)
    I so hope that things gets better for you and you find a home, you and Carly deserve every happiness. Bless you my friend.
    Brian
     
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  3. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Brian.

    Today started out a little rough. I am cat/ house-sitting so do get to have some solitude, and the ability to cry privately if I need to. But sometimes the flashbacks and horrible thoughts shock me into silence, and I want nothing more than to escape the pain. Not *feel the pain*, by crying.

    So I'm coming here to write. The weather is gloomy and foggy, but I love it. I love the quiet. I have a cup of coffee here, and a yummy bagel. Just trying to be positive, to reach out as best I feel able to right now.

    I wrote my friend a goofly email, "from my dog". Haha...

    If anyone has any silly jokes, I would love to hear them. I have a couple:

    "I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's really something I can see myself doing."

    "What's a horse's favorite fruit? The canter-lope!"

    You may need to think about those for a second or even use Google. ;)
     
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  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Lol......no, I got them both and they are funny. I used to ride when I was growing up in Scotland, my cousin and I would clean out the barns and they'd let us ride the horses for free......we loved it. I'm so sorry about the PTSD and flashbacks, it's a horrible thing to go through, there's a lady on YouTube that has some guided meditations on PTSD and she is really good, she works mainly with military personnel, but I've listen to them and they're excellent. I can't recall her name, but I'll find out and send it to you. I actually purchased a couple of her meditations on iTunes.
    Rainy gloomy weather, I usually lite candles and it cheers the place up, Bella naps on the couch and I sit and drink my tea, put some relaxing music on. I quite like it.
    I so hope everything works out for you and I know you're a positive person, I've seen you posting and encouraging others. I'm sure it will work out I've asked the universe to help you :)
    Take care my friend
    Brian
     
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  5. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Brian, you made me smile. Pet Bella for me. My dog Brillo is conked out on the couch, she loves the weather and the quiet too I think. May go put on some tea as you suggested.
     
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  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Candlelight :) I'm glad you smiled. There's a bond between us animal lovers, most people don't understand us or why we treat our animals friends like equals. Which in my opinion they are......it amazes me, the same conciousness that's in me is in them, they each have their own unique personalities, likes and dislikes, etc. I can't stand to see any animal mistreated or abused. Bella has seen me through my darkest nights and worst days, she speaks to me, not with words but from her heart and I feel her unconditional love. Hope you and all your four legged friends are well :)
    Brian
     
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  7. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    I'm really stressed out right now. I'm house and cat-sitting, and the youngest cat is very mean and always picking on the other cats. One of the other cats is very sick, too! So the mean cat makes me very mad, and it is super stressful hearing the cat screams and fighting going on. I separate them, but I know I can't tell my friends I did that. They completely coddle this cat, no matter how nasty he gets, because "he's just a sweet little kitten." Yeah, OK. He's aggressive as hell. It really bothers me deeply when anyone's mean to animals, even if it's another animal. And it just makes me resent my friends, because when they come back home they will pick him up right after he's beaten up the sick cat, and cuddle him and ask "do you just need some attention, little guy??" They reinforce all the bad behavior. And their sick cat does not get the care or attention she needs. I'm feeling pretty angry. I just want my own space right now. I hate owing people things, like taking care of an aggressive cat.
     
  8. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Ugh!!! I agree with you......he sounds like a little monster, I'm surprised the owners allow this behaviour to continue.
     
  9. Hi CandleLight,

    I'd never heard of a poodle-horse before, so you taught me something new today (I did a search on Google -- you weren't kidding!). My grandparents had two Arabians when I was growing up. I had a bit of a conflicted relationship with them, because I was tiny and they would often mistake my hair for hay (I'm sure you can imagine what that would lead to). It made me a little timid, but I still found them a joy to be around. Horses are such majestic and beautiful animals, and I'm glad you're able to get some relief by spending time with Carly.

    My heart goes out to you and your situation; it's always a great pain worrying about whether or not you can give your animals the care they need. Like Brian, I have noticed some of your other posts and respect you as a genuinely positive and caring person. I'm glad you're hanging in there and will be pulling for you.
     
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  10. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Thank you, treehousewizkid. I like your screen name, by the way. :)

    I woke up really grumpy. I am here right now on the forum as a way to self-care. It's hard to say if things are moving forward for me, or just sideways. I have been waiting for a shelter bed since December (the only shelter in San Francisco that actually leads to any housing options).

    I want to share this here: there is a crisis clinic in the city, it's basically a way to get mental health triage care away from a psychiatric hospital. The staff are very, very hit-or-miss. The director said some pretty nasty things to me which I will get into some time. But I think I may need that mental respite. I would be safe there, even though they make sure you know the clock is ticking from the minute you arrive (you get 24 hours max, and most people they literally boot from the building when their time's up). I may have a chance to go from there to an ADU (Acute Diversion Unit), which is another intensive psychiatric program away from the hospital. Honestly, I would prefer the hospital at this point, but I have my Service Dog to think about. And dogs can't go to psych units, haha.

    Both the crisis clinic and ADU's (if I can even get into one) have a lot of problems with them. And I really don't want to be around other people at all right now, especially people also in crisis. There's always a ton of conflict between "residents" (patients) in these programs. But, I still met some cool peers from the last few programs, people I still sort of keep in touch with. A good group of residents can really help with what you are going through.

    I am staying with friends, cat-sitting for them, and they will be back tonight. I first came to stay with them for the weekend or like a week tops, all the way back on March 13th. It's been almost a month! They are not making me feel too bad about still being here, but I really, really want to leave. I just have nowhere to go. So at least the crisis clinic would give us all a day apart. And ADU's are 2 weeks, so even if I have to come back to my friends' right after that, that's an OK amount of time to not have to have a guest.

    I am under a very intense amount of stress, needless to say.
     
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  11. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Hello whoever may be reading this, I cried tonight a few moments ago. More tears are right under the surface. I'm in my friends' spare bedroom, so I can cry a little. But you know how your nose runs, and you can't help but sniffle? I don't want to wake them up with sniffling sounds.

    I didn't go to the crisis clinic yet, I'm not sure if or when that will happen. I'm freaked out, stressed out and totally unsure of what to do with myself. I feel like I am in a very deep hole.

    But in spite of the absolutely terrible year, and the depression so deep and the anxiety so extreme, I am very very glad my ex boyfriend and I broke up. He was already murdering my soul and I didn't fully see it, before things got obviously bad.

    I was in a lot of denial. I can't say he's a good person. I'm pretty scared to trust people now.

    But I feel like I'm reaching out to myself, the double of myself who would have given anything to stay with him. I nearly did - stay with him, and lose my soul. She ("my double") would be so very sad, for the rest of her life. And totally confused and trapped.

    I feel confused and trapped now anyway, but I think/ really hope it's temporary. I could have had a lifetime with him, confused and trapped forever.

    Sorry I keep repeating myself. I feel absolutely awful, I have lost so many things and people I cared about. But yeah... it could have gotten even worse...
     
  12. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    My friends are taking pretty bad care of their sick cat. They barely notice her, because she's not obnoxiously assertive like their other two cats. Right now the cat is hyperventilating, and they haven't decided yet to bring her to the vet. The guy, D., is a real jerk and convinces himself he's absolutely correct about everything. So because he doesn't want to take the cat to the vet, he's making a bunch of excuses for why he doesn't need to. It's pathological and horrible and it's not OK. I literally flipped him off behind his back, right in front of his wife (my friend A.). She saw me do it, and sort of laughed, but I imagine I can't stay here much longer. I will apologize to her later for being so angry about D., and I do think she'll understand. This whole situation is very, very, very triggering for me. Animals should not have to suffer, especially with owners who have the finances and time to get medical help. I don't think I can leave here today, I'm still waiting on a shelter bed, but I can't be around this. This makes me way too sad because I can't do anything to help the cat. D. keeps insisting he knows better than any vet. What a selfish jerk.
     
  13. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* I agree with you, animals should not have to suffer. What about taking a walk or something, just to get you out of the house for a bit?
     
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  14. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Luckily I'm able to take a break in their spare bedroom. I need my phone charger soon but I don't even want to go out there. I really hate being stuck depending upon other people so I'm not really allowed to speak up or I risk getting booted out. But I'm trying not to make any rash decisions.
     
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  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Animals shouldn't suffer, that makes me sad :( I understand you are where you need to be though and need that place so try just looking out for yourself hun, you are correct about not making any rash decisions in the heat of the moment, wait until you are more level headed! (big hugs)
     
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  16. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Trigger warning: animal distress and death

    A. and D. took the cat to the vet. They did a chest X-ray on Daisy and she has lung cancer that has spread from other areas, maybe a gastrointestinal tumor. Daisy the cat has just a few more days to live. I am devastated and of course my friends are too.

    I apologized to A. for my reaction to D. when he said Daisy didn't need the vet. He actually came to talk to me, maybe he heard how angry I had gotten about everything. But he said, "I think I've been in denial. I felt for a long time like Daisy might be dying, so I didn't see the point in bringing her in." So I'm glad things got smoothed over with the friends I'm staying with, but now we're waiting for the cat to die.

    Apparently one day soon they will wake up and Daisy will be breathing very rapidly, which will be both scary for her and for my friends. At that time they will need to take Daisy in to be put to sleep. It makes me very sad Daisy will be suffering shortly before her death, but these few days can be made more comfortable for her. She's a very sweet cat, my favorite here. I'm going to cry hard when she dies, an event that's going to trigger a whole lot of hard memories for me about animal loss in my life.

    Please send some good wishes to Daisy, and to my imperfect friends (as we all are) who did get their cat into the vet. This is a tough way to have to think about how valuable life is. I imagine a cat has never felt suicidal. Daisy wouldn't want to die but she will have to.
     
  17. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* I'm sorry to hear about Daisy. *hugs*
     
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  18. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Awe Candlelight, I'm so sorry, I can't stand seeing animals suffer. It would have been better to let Daisy go tonight, sounds like she's already suffering. Sending prayers for her and the family and of course you my friend.
     
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  19. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    A quick update: Daisy is hanging in there but each day is a little harder than the last. I am capturing nice photos of her, and I was pleased when she came to say hello to everyone at our game night last night. I also had fun with some new people, and I feel I "acted normal", even though I said a few weird things by accident.
     
  20. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    That's good to hear Candlelight :) as long as she's at least comfortable and can have some enjoyment. It's so hard to lose an animal friend. Great to hear you're doing better too :) and don't worry about saying "weird things" weird is good and it keeps them on their toes lol. Take care my friend and hoping everything gets better and better for you :)
     
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