Today I've not been doing much. I drew the curtains and sat by the computer. I was very restless, so I rocked back and forth for hours. I tend to rock when I'm scared, upset, confused or bored. I'm feeling so sad and frightened. I'd like to die, but I still don't want my parents to be unhappy forever. Not because I think they would. However, I did write a suicide note today. I'm going to hide it somewhere. This evening I went out with my sister for a walk with the dog. I jumped up and down, and started to scream several times without a reason. My sister said 'please stop screaming', I tried to but couldn't deal with it. I tried to talk to my sister tonight, but I didn't manage to say anything sane-minded. "Teacher ate a bike" I said, and my sister laughed at me. She said I'm so funny. I never try to be funny, I just want to communicate with people around me. But it is really tough. Almost impossible. I know how to shape words, but I have no clue what to say to people. Once, when I was at school, I saw a girl that I wanted to get to know. I placed myself in front of her. "I have a cat. The cat has a grey tale. The tale is beautiful. Come home to me." My way to talk really doesn't sound like I'm foreign. I talk mechanically and very meticulously. The girl looked at her friends with a silly smile on her lips. I must mention, the girl did come home to me. When I walked next to her, on my way home, I said things like: "My cat is thin" and "My cat runs fast". She asked me questions, but I didn't answer any of them. This girl never came home to me again. I want to kill myself, but I don't want it to hurt. I'm planning when. The big question for me is when.