Diary: My demanding life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Withdrawn, Oct 23, 2010.

  1. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Today I've not been doing much. I drew the curtains and sat by the computer. I was very restless, so I rocked back and forth for hours. I tend to rock when I'm scared, upset, confused or bored.

    I'm feeling so sad and frightened. I'd like to die, but I still don't want my parents to be unhappy forever. Not because I think they would.
    However, I did write a suicide note today. I'm going to hide it somewhere.

    This evening I went out with my sister for a walk with the dog.
    I jumped up and down, and started to scream several times without a reason.
    My sister said 'please stop screaming', I tried to but couldn't deal with it.
    I tried to talk to my sister tonight, but I didn't manage to say anything sane-minded. "Teacher ate a bike" I said, and my sister laughed at me. She said I'm so funny. I never try to be funny, I just want to communicate with people around me. But it is really tough. Almost impossible.

    I know how to shape words, but I have no clue what to say to people.
    Once, when I was at school, I saw a girl that I wanted to get to know.
    I placed myself in front of her. "I have a cat. The cat has a grey tale. The tale is beautiful. Come home to me."
    My way to talk really doesn't sound like I'm foreign. I talk mechanically and very meticulously.
    The girl looked at her friends with a silly smile on her lips.
    I must mention, the girl did come home to me. When I walked next to her, on my way home, I said things like: "My cat is thin" and "My cat runs fast". She asked me questions, but I didn't answer any of them. This girl never came home to me again.

    I want to kill myself, but I don't want it to hurt. :( I'm planning when. The big question for me is when.
  2. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Now I know the date I will go through with my suicide.
    January 1, 2012. That is 1 year, 2 months and 8 days from now.
    But I will only do it if my life hasn't bettered, of course.

    So, the next 434 days I'll keep on struggling.
    To see, if I'm supposed to be in this world, or if the best thing is to die.
    I just don't want people to tease me anymore. But they will.
    I'm different. I don't understand people very well, and I can't talk to them.
    Or actually I can talk, but in my own outlandish way.

    I'm going to live in an institution in 10 months. If I can't bring my rats with me there, I will definitely commit suicide. A life without rats, is no life.
    I really don't look forward to live with a lot of other autistic people. But perhaps they'll understand me, and I hope I don't get bullied there.
    And I don't look forward to get staff looking after me. They'll teach me how to handle my hygiene (which is ridiculous since I already know how to take care of my hygiene), how to talk, how to behave normally etc.

    I'm confused.
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Withdrawn this is very poetic

    Most people don't talk like you because they aren't as lyrical as yourself! You have a gift.

    I'm not sure if you feel I understand you. But I'm listening :hug:
  4. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much!
    Oh, realised I spelled "tail" completely wrong! (I see I'm not the only one here though. Lol) Embarrassing.
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I loved it! It was an unintentional pun :D

    If I were 14 and you'd spoken to me, I'd loved to be your friend and find out more about you. The problem lies with everyone around you, not yourself.
  6. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    That really made me laugh out loud. :laugh:

    Thank you sweetheart! :hug:
  7. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I woke up at 8 am. In fact I wanted to sleep all day long, but my mother gives me 100 kr (14,99 dollars / 9,55 pounds) every Monday and Friday if I go to school. I have been there three times so far, and have earned 300 kr (44,98 dollars / 28,64 pounds) and I'll buy rat cage supplies for them.

    At school I didn't work at all, as usual. I have an own room at school where I sit, and today I sat on a sofa while doing nothing. It was snowing.
    My teacher wondered if I was okay, but I didn't react. The weird thing is that I still get my money, just because I went to school and didn't stay at home. My parents and teachers know how hard it is to just come to school.

    I have a doctor appointment at 2 pm, 'cause I'm going to get some new kind of medication. I refuse using medicines, and I guess my doctor hates me because of that. She'll surely explain why medication is just so important. I hope she will tell my mother that I don't suffer from a psychosis, since I truly don't. I'm so irritated, because they can't just throw a diagnosis on me like that. Shame on them!

    Today I'm sort of fine and I really can't wait to buy new things for my rats.
    If I have money left I'll buy things for my cat too.
    I hate the pet shop, they treat me like crap and that feels bad, but I want my rats to have a great life. And I wanna have a great life myself.

    Yet this is a nice day, actually! :stars:
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You probably won't read this until you come home, but I hope you tried the medication the doctor recommended because it can really help some ppl...the anti-anxiety medication really helped me a lot...I hope you give it a try as I think you deserve to have good days...J
  9. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    (Withdrawn corrects herself: I refuse to use medicines.)

    Well, I'm home. I reckon it was the worst meeting I've ever experienced.
    I had never been in that building before.
    Mum talked about my suicide thoughts. I hoped she would not tell them.
    She said: "Withdrawn visits suicide websites (she doesn't know this one but she knows I've visited another one describing how to kill yourself. Those kinds of websites are legal in Sweden. Furthermore I just visited it once because I was nosy). Withdrawn has watched clips of people committing suicide (false!! I've seen five pictures of the same person who committed suicide, only because I felt I had a liking for that person, and I felt sorry for him. And, I was curious, of course. Absolutely no cuts or films). Withdrawn has talked to her friends about it (such nice friends I have *ironic*, I know who they are and I'll never contact them again). Withdrawn hurts herself (I only hurt myself with an object because that cools me down when I have anxiety. I also did it when I wasn't suicidal). Every day, Withdrawn says she wants to kill herself (false, that was weeks ago. I never tell them anymore. I don't want to end up in a hospital)!"


    I ran home as fast as I could, and since the distance from the doctor and my flat is almost 10 km and I hadn't run for three months, I started to gasp a lot.
    My mum who thinks I'd jump into the water and disappear beneath the surface, ran after me, but I was masterfully faster than her.

    I shook my head when the doctor asked me if I wanted to use the medicine she suggested.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2010
  10. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Need to fake happiness. My parents are like hawks.
    I just want to sleep until things get better. Why can't things change?
    Why do I have to work my fingers to the bone, just to manage to be fairly okay?

    I thought this day was gonna be good. I don't believe in good days anymore. They don't exist in my life.

    I'm very close to be hospitalised.
  11. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    This morning I was not suicidal. But now I am!
    Now I have to think ... I want my life to become better. How?

    This could help:
    - taking medicines (antidepressive and antipsychotic).
    - going for a long walk with our dog every day.
    - patching my right eye. ("Patching your right eye will shut down the left hemisphere of your brain and the negative, obsessive thinking.") <-- haven't tried that before.
    - getting more light into my eyes, since I sit in a dark room all day long.
    - doing sports.

    I don't care I am mute! I can be happy without talking, I have shown it before.

    Blah, I want to die.
  12. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I was hospitalised for two days.
    It wasn't as bad as I thought.
    But I didn't like to be there. The staff had hospital clothes and opened my door sometimes to see if I was okey. Now, I'm at home.

    In the continuation I won't tell you guys so much about myself.
  13. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    February 22, 2010:
    Now I can't put up with this any longer.
    I don't want to live anymore, if I have to live with a father and a little sister who make me so sad and heartbroken.
    When things are like this, I just want to take my own life.
    Nothing is positive in my life anymore.

    Being wounded because of something that I can't control ... nothing is worse. I don't want it to be like this.
  14. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

  15. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I'm finally fine! :laugh:
    Maybe there's hope.

    The summer of 2011 I'll move to a boarding-school.
    I was supposed to start there after Christmas, but my problems are too severe, so the staff didn't want me yet. The staff wants me to be able to at least be around people, and right now I can't, I just hide in a corner looking stupid. I'm going to visit the school once a month.

    The next months, a therapist will meet me once a week.
    She'll teach me things that are good to know in social interaction.
    I'll also get a full-time assistent who will help me in everyday situations.
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are happier with your life and future. :biggrin:
  17. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you, plates! :)
  18. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    You have a really beautiful way of writing hun :hug:

    I really hope the therapist and assistant work out so you can go to this school, its brilliant after reading to see you happier about this and looking forward to it :smile:

    Good luck hun and keep us posted if you can :smile: :hug:
  19. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Ouroboros!

    I'm feeling quite sad right now, because I started to think about my future.
    I'm 14, and soon it's time for a summer job, for most people my age.
    But the fact is, I can't get one, since I have the same social skills as an infant, or even worse.
    Two days ago, I was at the horse farm, and the stable owner was doing her best for 15 minutes to make me groom the horse with one pull.
    I didn't manage to do it. The woman couldn't get into contact with me at all.

    Here's the list of things that the woman has noticed I am able to do:
    1. I can walk after her when she says "come".
    2. I can stop walking in circles when she says "stop walking in circles".
    3. I can hold an object.
    4. I can give her an object if she gives it to me first.
    5. I can pet an animal.
    6. I can fill a bag with hay.

    I cannot do more than that. It's like I'm not really there.
    I'm in my own world.

    And here's the list of inappropriate behaviour:
    1. I flap my hands.
    2. I rock my body.
    3. I whirl my hands.
    4. I spin.
    5. I walk or run in circles.
    6. I move my hands in front of my face.
    7. I jump up and down.
    8. I don't react when people talk to me.
    9. I hide behind furniture or other things.
    10. I sit down on the floor/ground whenever I feel like it.
    11. I make silly noises like howling and whining.
    12. I often touch walls with insecure hand movements.
    13. I either stare at everything or don't look at anything.

    The worst thing about the whole thing is that I won't come to the boarding-school if I don't improve these six months!
    The school is made for highly functioning people, and I'm not one of them.

    Sorry for not being good at English. I'm not good at Swedish either. I'm not good at anything ...
  20. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    Hun your english is fantastic, I haven't been able to learn a language, and you should feel proud you have a second language, particularly when u are so good at it.

    Six months is a long time - you can do many things to help improve yourself, your therapist and assistant should help you with this. As for that list, maybe you can try to either add one thing to your 'positive' list of things you can do or take one thing from your 'negative' list of 'inappropriate' behaviour. Try to focus on just one thing at a time, and congratulate urself when you achieve it. When you have achieved one then try another and so on. Before you know it, you will have increased the positive list and decreased the negative. And remember you don't have to do everything just enough to improve how u are already. You can do this, and we will support you :hug: