Diary of the one who no longer exists

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marga, Oct 28, 2015.

  1. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    I am starting this diary in a time of crisis to write things I can no longer bear. And it's title is there because I feel almost like I have to say good bye to the person I used to be, who no longer exists. I was a shy but ok girl, I had a difficult life, but i did have a life. I am remembering all the moments... in my parent's garden.. on a walk with my grandparents... my dear cat... my boyfriend whom i loved... sunshine... holidays in the mountains... by the sea... laughter... happiness... tiredness... hard work... nothing of this exists any longer and neither do i, the person who lived it. The world has destroyed me. The universe doesn't want me to occupy a place on this planet anymore...
     
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Marga, I read what you said in your post, I started crying, the person I use to be no longer exists either! I am gone, but the world didn't destroy me, the world was good to me, I guess we shared some of that time and space together! I would have liked to go on a walk with my grandparents, I never had the chance with my mothers parents I knew my Gram, I was laying on her bed when she died, I remember her soft gentle hands when she touch my cheek or held my hand in hers they were so Soft. She raised 10 children. my Mother was the next to last of her children to Die., but I too had holidays in the mountains, an by the sea on Cape Cod, I have cats still. had a few girlfriends too. The sunshine, my mothers garden an mine as well, Those things are still there I believe, in you mind an your heart! I have many memories as well I will share some with you! If you like, I might even possibly make you smile a little! that is not a threat btw I don't smile often except when I remember some of my past life! Marga Please be gentle, gentle as Your dear Cat! Be safe an take care of yourself! Please?
     
  3. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you lost who you were Marga, but even if you feel like you don't have a place right now, you will in the future, all living things have a place. Please hold on right now, one day you will look back on this dark time and be glad that you didn't give up and realize it made you stronger. Please keep talking to us here, we want to support you while you become a new person and find a new place:)
     
  4. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Thank you robroy, just feel really sad these days... hope it gets better one day. Take care too
     
  5. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Thanks True-Lee, nice to hear you have similar memories and you value them. Take care too...
     
  6. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    My life got in trouble two years ago. The first year was trouble but it felt like a good thing. It was irresponsibility though. Then came a crisis. That's when I visited SF for the first time. I have been trying to recover since, doing therapy last year, I was getting better. Just as I could have gotten much better though, I made a series of bad decisions that not only didn't help me but also made it worst. I have put my financial resources as well as my job at risk. It's some sort of self-destructive behaviour. As if I didn't want to get better.Although I want it so much. I miss my life so much. I have no life at all Im only at home, don't have a single good friend. I guess I will get up and fight again some day, I should, but don't feel like it now. It's also starting to have impact on my health. The problems I created for myself at work are tge worst because that's where I spend most of my time.