Did I Do The Right Thing? I Wonder

[Bette]

My daughter is a teenager. She has always been a perfect student, and works hard outside of school. Appearance wise she's a gem, and I have people tell me this constantly.

Well, what secrets lurk behind closed doors? She has never been social. No prom, no dance, no clubs. I never pushed it. She is now from on a scale from #1 being a fabulous kid to a #75 if the scale was 1-10. Complete change.

The end of the last school year is when she started talking suicide. She had a paper to do which she did no think fair as she was not goofing off in the class. Of course she wasn't because her nose is in a book. So she was so mad about this paper. She also at that time got a boyfriend and it was whirlwind. No time for a paper. She "had a life" now as she explained it and no paper was going to dtop that. So, suicide was the only way she knew how to get out of doing this paper. FOUR hours. FOUR we walked and I listened. I was alarmed. I told her we'd find a solution, and ending your life may have you miss a chance of something great up the road.

Did the counseling. She hated it, and we tried four different ones. Waste of time she told me as she now would never harm herself.

*****Now the big question part. Everything was not going her way. From school to not getting asked to dance at a social function. She's packing on weight really fast, and is heavy again. Anytime I mentioned the gym or counting some points she shrugged, and said who cares. The depression was clear to me.

I got a call anonymously from a girl at her school's mom. She informed me my daughter had a plan all set to kill herself. The first boyfriend ditched her, and then it really went bad. I get another call from a family friend that she's really depressed, and I have to get her help.

O.K. so I never in my life read a diary of anyone. I respect that privacy as my own mom was always looking through my things. The old "You're under my roof. I look at whatever I want".

So her diary is OUT right in plain view. It's on the bed, and I was taking sheets off to wash. With all that was going on with her I read it. Oh, it was suicide this, and that. A little post to Sylvia Plath it would not be long now. She had a method. She was getting sleeping pills from a named person, and geting a bottle of vodka from my brothers wine cellar.

Reading on and on every single day how she was getting ready to go kill herself I thought I was being a responsible parent.

Apparently my ex husband and mom were more upset I read it then they were of her words. Her dad downplayed it big time. Tells me all teen girls do that. They all say they're going to kill themselves and hope they die in their sleep. Of course her heart got poured out about the boyfriend who ditched her as well, and it was pathetic.

I asked her dad to come over and e'd all discuss it. he did, and took the book from me. He had no time to look at it then. OH-OKAY, thanks.

Off he went with her book, and I have a supposedly suicidal kid on my hands. I did not sleep for four night's sraight. I kept going in her room to see she was breathing.

Long story short after all these years my parents helped me raise her she didn't like the punishment of me taking her cell phone as she was caught in a car with FIVE guys. FIVE strangers. TV was off as well as the internet.
Suddenly she is with her dad all the time. Something is up. She did start smoking and he was angry as was I. Although he put it like this verbatim "I rather her smoke weed than ciggies". Hmmmmmm, GREAT.

Now i am the big bad mean mom. I hand out a punishment, and BAM she says she is leaving. No, not after you have been raised in this house. No, as this is where you belong. NO, no. no. Off she went. Interesting as at that time she came back for her STUFF as they wheeled my mom out into an ambulance. The ldy that helped raise her. gave her everything she owns. Loves so much she'd walk sick in a storm for this kid.

Now, can someone tell me was I WRONG to read that diary when I constantly heard her tell me all about her killing herself? Again we were at four therapists. I tried, and am still trying, but she skeedaddled over to her dad's. She knows my mom is in the hospital through family friends. She has not even called her. Maybe she won't be suicidal over her dads families house.

I just need to know shouldn't a parent take that seriously? Death, suicide ideation, and then planning? Diary or no diary? When do we take this seriously? Should I have just ignored it like her father? I just couldn't.
I am worried sick.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long arse post. I am beside myself.:sad:

 

[consciousinsane]

First off, forget the diary. You've already read it, there is no going back whether it was right or wrong. It is normal for her to react like she did to your punishments of her wrong doings. Girls and Boys alike both rebel even further when approached with punishments. As far as the suicide, I would take it seriously. She could just be letting it all out and not be serious about doing it. I had a plan, and even wrote a suicide note, but I never done it. The only thing you can really do is try to support her and teach her moral values. The rest is up to her. I will tell you though that if you continue to try and force things on her, she will only rebel more. That's human nature. You need to try and be a friend to her right now, not a parent. Let her know that you understand how she feels. Make sure you provide examples in your life that she can relate to. This is a really tight spot your in right now. My sister and mother went thru a similar situation. Now they are closer than ever. Don't loose sight of hope, because it is still there.

 

[blub]

I'm not a parent but I'm 18, guess thats still a teenager. Not that a ever really was a teenager. But I think you should take it serieus. I can compare myself a bit with your daughter. People always said to my parents and me I was such a perfect daughter etc. But like your daughter I wasn't really social, never did things other teenagers like to do. Anyway I think your daughter is not okay, you dont write you want to commit suicide for no reason. Or because all teenage girls do that (which I dont believe).
She might not commit suicide, but that doesn't mean she's ok. Like consciousinsane said you need to try to be here friend.
Take care and I hope other sf-members will have some better advice :hug:

 

[Wonderstuff]

I need to agree with Blub on this one. I'm the same, I've never been social either. If my mum had read my diary, though, I would be FURIOUS. But by the same token, I've worked really hard to keep all this stuff from her, the fact that she already told you she was suicidal kind of makes a big change already...It is understandable that you read it.
I don't think I have any better advice. I'm sorry that you're going through so much with her For what it's worth I think you've done really well - and the right things - in a difficult situation, although I guess that won't be much comfort
I hope it works out for her and for you :hug:
Please let us know what happens? We're here if you need to talk more about it, too.

Lauren

 

[Jenny]

Hi

I hope that writing what has happened for you, has helped you in some way... i know that for me, sometimes the act of writing down my feelings and experiences can help. And from the sounds of it you have really been through a lot with your daughter.

With regards to the diary.. as a teenager, I was depressed and suicidal also. My mum had a phone call from my school after i'd slit my wrists and also another time threatened to kill myself then run off from school. She admitted to reading my diary (which i then no longer kept). The worse for me, was one day i'd written a suicide letter to a family friend, saying exactly how i was feeling, etc. But i'd ripped it up and thrown it in my bin. My mum PIECED the letter together and read it. She told me she had done it but not once did she take my WORDS seriously.

The reason i'm telling you all that, is to let you know how much it hurt me that although my mum knew how much i was hurting, depressed, suicidal, she never really took me seriously. I think she wanted to keep a perfect family image.. basically, she was in denial. As you said in your post, i think respecting someone's privacy is very important..... but should you find out, for whatever reason, something is going on with your child.. something as serious as depression/suicidal ideation.. then it's very important to take it seriously. My mum actually said she felt she had to read through my diary because i wasn't telling her how i was feeling.. and that by reading my diary, it was the only way to know what was going on. But then, once she did know, she still didn't do anything!

I personally think once you knew the seriousness of the situation, you did what a responsible, loving parent should do. I don't think it's true that "every teenager" goes through these feelings, so that is quite an incorrect belief on your daughter's fathers side. I'm glad that she did not attempt to take her own life.

I'd like to say that it sounds like you have been through an emotional rollercoaster, and maybe with not a great deal of support for YOU? I know it's easy to say, but i hope you're looking after yourself now. It's never easy letting a child go.. especially one who we love so deeply, and have done all we can possibly do to help.. I just don't like to see yourself beating yourself up about the "i should have" or "did i do the right thing...". What's done is done.. your daughter is still alive and kicking.. you've got through a remarkably tough time.. now give yourself a break

I do hope that one day your daughter will appreciate all that you have done for her. I know that i didn't see the stress that i put my mum under, for a long time. And i was angry about the diary/letter thing for years.. but i can understand why she did it.

Sorry this is long.. i do hope it makes some sense. Look forward to hearing more from you, if you want
:rose:
Jenny xxx

 

[Bette]

Thank you all so much for your insight, and experiences.

I am so, so, so sorry you have all been through so much. Especially you Jenny. You reached out to me, and for that you get stuck with one loyal person in life. LOL I NEVER forget a kindness.

Well, actually I can't tell you how my daughter is. I have NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I punished her by taking her cell, and letting her only have it for school for a week as well as computer access she was not thrilled. The punishment was for lying where she had been, and being late and when I would call her phone it was turned OFF!!!!!!!!!!! Hey, my brother got his three boys camera phones so when he called and they said they were say at the mall he would say "O.K. take a picture of it right now, and send it to me". Man,. our dad was a cop. There was no electronics this and that ack then, BUT he was still on the ball if we did anything wrong, illegal or the likes of. LOL Hate to see what he'd have done with a camera phone.

I got my mom out of the hospital yesterday. She's bruised from head toe. Heprin, and Coumadin. She also has now seven other med's to take. My focus now is to help my mom. I mean she is literally dying this kid left, and went around her dad's parents none the less.

I totally believe we raise our children to become independent. Go on their own. My daughter has until late July to become 18. Sure, it would be hard seeing her off to school, but it would be a joy none the less. Now as far as just skipping around her dad's that's another story. Ya see she has another cellphone. She has computer access. He NEVER disciplined her EVER. She never even slept over night there. Suddenly, and using me as the excuse that is hwere she went.

My mom already has hypertension, and was on medicine. Heart Rates over 300 are not good. I can even see my daughter being angry with me, but her own father SHOVED/PUSHED my mom. A 69 year old woman. The woman the freaking raised her. Somebody pushes my mom I'd knock them out. Instead she went there.

We have an extremely dear family friend in her 20's, and married. No lie this kid opened her door to my daughter so she could vent at least 20-30 times. Times when she wanted to get out of the house right over there she went. So, my girlfriend (same one) said she called asking where her Grandmom was as she had heard through neighbors there was an ambulance along with cop cars at my house.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, if you didn't ask where your Ipod was 1,000 times maybe you'd have asked where your Grandmother was. My friend said she played her usual and extremly annoying old staple "Now YOU hate me. Everyone HATES me". My friend said she will never hate her, but the fact she went with her dad after he pushed her Grandmom sickened her, and she can't talk to her until she calms down.

She did get ahold of my om at the hospital, and my mom said real quietly she was saying "Oh, Mom-mom I did not know you were in that ambulance, and I am sorry, and I..............................". My mom said "Here comes my nurse
CLICK and hung up". Apparently she is posting cheery bulletins on her myspace, and was accepted to one of her colleges.

Let me tell you MY MOM paid for education. Not me or her father. My mom, and one brother. Right now my brothers don't even care if they ever see her again. In all honesty I feel the same way. My mom is shattered, but she's going to have to face it. She can not control her. Me, she did. My brothers, NO. I always have been loyal to my mom. She's my mom. Now the fact that kid is going to graduate and have people who for 17 years never even BOTHERED to send her a card will be at her graduation, prom, and that gamut. All the hard work I did my mom says will be now reaped by them.

Ya know what? I was a damn good mom. I was also a lousy one sometimes.
I KNOW in my heart she went there so she could do whatever she wanted.
Thanks all for your help. In all honesty it's on her dad now. They can deal with it. My neighbor said he saw her and another girl at 1:00AM the other night in the neighborhood. 1:00AM???????????????????? Curfew????????????
Ya know what? Nothing I can do.

You guys are all right about privacy, and diaries. I agree, but when a kid comes home from school all mopey, and then at night calls for you as she cries, and you listen, listen, listen, and give your advice as asked and another girls mom calls you to tell you she has a plan to kill herself I am sorry, but reading a diary I do not think should send me to hell. If I didn't and she killed herself all blame would have been on me.

My mom did that crp. She ruled me like an iron fist. Yeah, and I have told her there was one guy who turned out to be a really great guy. I was moving out to live with him, and I was 22. My mom FREAKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Threw my fur coats in a tub of water. Pulled apaprt all my expensive jewelry. Read my diaries, and even counted my birth control method. Still, man that's my mother and all that was out of line. Then I thought of her. How she felt. My friend is still not married. He told me he would never marry anyone but me. He has a beautiful home, three automobiles. The gamut. NOW my mom likes him. LOL As bad as all that was I do understand her point as well, and if I walked around telling people I had sleeping pills, and vodka and she read my diary I would understand. Not then, but now.

Thanks so much all of you, and well what can I do? It's saving me Excedrin's. I'm trying not to worry about it. My mom is very sick, and plus all this has torn her apaprt. I told her she has me, and my brothers, and nephews. She does and none of us pull that crap. "SOMETIMES IT JUST BEES THAT WAY"

 

[TheBLA]

My parents think that I'm pretty great as well, but I'm a complete loser, never went to clubs, prom, etc. I'm a waste of space. Sigh, reading this thread just made me more depressed about myself and how inferior I am. Ack, forget about a total loser like me. :sad:

Sorry for that pointless post. Sigh..............

I hope things can get better for your daughter, they CAN, they may not, but they CAN.

 

[theleastofthese]

Bette;

Wow! You've been thru hell and back with this daughter!:ohmy: I have teenage daughters also and know the heartache and pain and frustration it can bring.:sad: Of course daughter went to her dad's if she knows she can do whatever she wants over there. My youngest threatens that all the time, just hasn't done it yet.:dry: If her dad is "unfit" to raise her, or 'finish' raising her, you can take it to court, can't you? Of is there any legal recourse you can take over daughter staying out late and all that? When she breaks curfew that's a legal thing, isn't it?

I have no advice for you, tho, cause if I did I'd have followed it myself when my 19 yr old was still under my maternal thumb...:dry: All I can say is "be sure to take good care of YOURSELF!!" Cause if you aren't in good shape, physically or emotionally, you can't do much, if anything, for your daughter.

I wish you well and am sending you love and hope and good thoughts,

least xoxoxox