hey all, 1st post... But major things have been happening. let me go through since start of july I have gone through: Girlfriend dumped me after 1 year..(been in many relationships, but I loved her more than anyone, truly is hard to take as shes the best person that ever came into my life and just walked away so suddenly because we were having a few tough weeks, nothing to do with the relationship but it helped her see she needed to be with someone who lives closer to her, and how she wants to enjoy her life.... even harder that I was the guy she lost her virginity to.... Still to this day im wounded) Great uncle died (Wasnt too close but still gutted) My mums illness got worse (shes a parkinsons sufferer) I emptied my bank account of £1000 gambling (gambling was a previous problem, but felt low and stupidly did that) Bad enough already??? Thats only recent times things that happens but this is where it gets worse... A girl I knew at work for 2 years expressed how much she likes me after my ex dumped me. I dont fancy her and so I let her down, but we still ended up having sex and she suggested a friends with benefits type thing. Seemed ok to me but a very big mistake. 1 day she was slagging off work on her facebook. I hated that job, and as we were close, without thinking I added my input.... We didnt know her wall wasnt protected from public viewing. A few days later the manager had us in the office, she had printouts of us slagging off work on this girls wall. Both of us were forced into resigning, or otherwise would of been sacked for gross misconduct. Fair enough, I saw fun with this girl as the last thing that kept me sane.... I tried to make the most of it. We went out and got drunk 1 night which was where I realised she had a violent side whilst drunk. When we were going back to mine she caused an argument, any time I said anything she didnt agree with, she would punch me. It got that bad that she was going mental at me. I restrained her arm. To cut it short she run off, claimed she was going home, so I walked to go home, she ran up and punched the crap outta me, held my throat so I pushed her back and a passer by called the police.... Who got in trouble??? me!!! I was arrested for the 1st time ever, put in a cell for over 20 hours and was told by police to admit that I assaulted her, or face court... I said I did it all to get out of trouble. The girl phone when I got out and convinced me that she told them the truth but they wouldnt listen. Another night out soon followed, this time she gave me money to buy her a drink, I gave her change but she accused me of stealing 50p off her. At the end of the night another bust up arrived. She refused to move from this step by club, so I walked off, she came back to mine a few hours later, claimed she was raped and smacked me in the face. Stupidly I gave her another chance on a night out.... and this is where serious trouble happened..... I had an empty house, my mum had gone away and she came round, we had a night out... Again she got drunk and she caused an argument. Because we were in public as such she wasnt violent but she insulted me constantly, said how my x left me because im a complete %$&£@. That im this horrid person etc etc. She refused to go and said she would follow me around all night and make my life hell. She came back to mine and still continued. This time it was worse, insults about my mum, and then she grabbed my money off the side and tried walking out with it, I pulled her, got it back and threw it to the side.... Which made her worse In a struggle I grabbed her hair to restrain her, but that made it worse than ever. Repeated punches off her until I was on the floor. I got back up and asked her to leave constantly, she wouldnt, then I said im calling police, and she laughed... said "If you call them, ill just tell them you assaulted me and we know full well who they believed last time, and with you on a caution already because of it, this time you will be in prison". I did the worst thing ever. I knew that she was right, She was just going to abuse me all night, if I called police I would be in trouble, because shes a woman, the second she said I pulled her, they will ignore what she did to me and I would end up in prison.... As a statement I grabbed a knife, and stuck my own arm with it.... not thinking it would do much damage... Well if im honest in some ways I couldnt care... It was sadly the sharpest knife in the house which cut through my arm. All I remember was dropping the knife n her screaming, crying, saying shes sorry... I look at my arm and its the deepest cut iv seen in my life, deeper than cuts on tv.... To cut that short, after hospital and partial treatment the other day, iv lost all feelings in part of my arm which can never be recovered, iv got some major op in a few weeks to save the remaining feeling I have in that arm.... Im at a point now where I couldnt care.... Iv got no friends, no proper family to talk to and for these operations I need someone to go with me.... and guess who it has to be??? That girl... because I dont have anyone else.... I seriously miss my ex so much, she was amazing, perfect, too good for me, and worse still, I check her twitter n shes having the best life possible, whilst iv had to go through all this with the only person in my life being this girl who is violent and abusive when she has a drink.