Did I really do it?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by mrnobody26, Sep 15, 2012.

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  1. mrnobody26

    mrnobody26 New Member

    hey all, 1st post... But major things have been happening.

    let me go through since start of july I have gone through:

    Girlfriend dumped me after 1 year..(been in many relationships, but I loved her more than anyone, truly is hard to take as shes the best person that ever came into my life and just walked away so suddenly because we were having a few tough weeks, nothing to do with the relationship but it helped her see she needed to be with someone who lives closer to her, and how she wants to enjoy her life.... even harder that I was the guy she lost her virginity to.... Still to this day im wounded)

    Great uncle died (Wasnt too close but still gutted)

    My mums illness got worse (shes a parkinsons sufferer)

    I emptied my bank account of £1000 gambling (gambling was a previous problem, but felt low and stupidly did that)

    Bad enough already??? Thats only recent times things that happens but this is where it gets worse...

    A girl I knew at work for 2 years expressed how much she likes me after my ex dumped me. I dont fancy her and so I let her down, but we still ended up having sex and she suggested a friends with benefits type thing.

    Seemed ok to me but a very big mistake.

    1 day she was slagging off work on her facebook. I hated that job, and as we were close, without thinking I added my input.... We didnt know her wall wasnt protected from public viewing. A few days later the manager had us in the office, she had printouts of us slagging off work on this girls wall. Both of us were forced into resigning, or otherwise would of been sacked for gross misconduct.

    Fair enough, I saw fun with this girl as the last thing that kept me sane.... I tried to make the most of it.

    We went out and got drunk 1 night which was where I realised she had a violent side whilst drunk. When we were going back to mine she caused an argument, any time I said anything she didnt agree with, she would punch me. It got that bad that she was going mental at me. I restrained her arm. To cut it short she run off, claimed she was going home, so I walked to go home, she ran up and punched the crap outta me, held my throat so I pushed her back and a passer by called the police.... Who got in trouble??? me!!! I was arrested for the 1st time ever, put in a cell for over 20 hours and was told by police to admit that I assaulted her, or face court... I said I did it all to get out of trouble.

    The girl phone when I got out and convinced me that she told them the truth but they wouldnt listen.

    Another night out soon followed, this time she gave me money to buy her a drink, I gave her change but she accused me of stealing 50p off her. At the end of the night another bust up arrived. She refused to move from this step by club, so I walked off, she came back to mine a few hours later, claimed she was raped and smacked me in the face.

    Stupidly I gave her another chance on a night out.... and this is where serious trouble happened.....

    I had an empty house, my mum had gone away and she came round, we had a night out... Again she got drunk and she caused an argument. Because we were in public as such she wasnt violent but she insulted me constantly, said how my x left me because im a complete %$&£@. That im this horrid person etc etc. She refused to go and said she would follow me around all night and make my life hell.

    She came back to mine and still continued. This time it was worse, insults about my mum, and then she grabbed my money off the side and tried walking out with it, I pulled her, got it back and threw it to the side.... Which made her worse

    In a struggle I grabbed her hair to restrain her, but that made it worse than ever. Repeated punches off her until I was on the floor. I got back up and asked her to leave constantly, she wouldnt, then I said im calling police, and she laughed... said "If you call them, ill just tell them you assaulted me and we know full well who they believed last time, and with you on a caution already because of it, this time you will be in prison".

    I did the worst thing ever. I knew that she was right, She was just going to abuse me all night, if I called police I would be in trouble, because shes a woman, the second she said I pulled her, they will ignore what she did to me and I would end up in prison....

    As a statement I grabbed a knife, and stuck my own arm with it.... not thinking it would do much damage... Well if im honest in some ways I couldnt care... It was sadly the sharpest knife in the house which cut through my arm.

    All I remember was dropping the knife n her screaming, crying, saying shes sorry... I look at my arm and its the deepest cut iv seen in my life, deeper than cuts on tv....

    To cut that short, after hospital and partial treatment the other day, iv lost all feelings in part of my arm which can never be recovered, iv got some major op in a few weeks to save the remaining feeling I have in that arm....

    Im at a point now where I couldnt care.... Iv got no friends, no proper family to talk to and for these operations I need someone to go with me.... and guess who it has to be??? That girl... because I dont have anyone else....

    I seriously miss my ex so much, she was amazing, perfect, too good for me, and worse still, I check her twitter n shes having the best life possible, whilst iv had to go through all this with the only person in my life being this girl who is violent and abusive when she has a drink.
  2. First: hello and welcome, mr. n26! Glad to see you on board.

    Sorry to hear you're having a tough time, and very sorry to hear about your mother.

    I know it's tough, but for your safety, you really need to get this girl out of your life. Unfortunately in today's society abusive relationship where the woman is the abuser do not get the attention they need, and sadly are not taken seriously. With the relationship already on a destructive path, I fear things will only become worse. It's not your fault, and you deserve better. She needs serious professional help.

    I also know how you feel with losing that perfect girl. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but all you can do is move on. As long as you tie yourself to her keeping track of where she is in life, you'll never be able to move on. It's okay to mourn, you're entitled to it, but you also have to allow yourself to begin to heal.

    To give you some background: I was in an abusive relationship (emotionally. . . . I can't say she ever hit me) for four long years. After the four years I clung to it for close to two years. It really wears on a guy. Please take my advice:

    Cut all ties with your abuser.

    Allow yourself some time to heal from your break up. Work on finding yourself, work on getting to know you and find a renewed love for yourself. Take up a new hobby! Do that thing you've always wanted to.

    Once you feel you've gotten back on your feet: get back out there! Try again! Just keep in mind not all women are your ex, and not all women are your abuser. There are HUNDREDS of great women out there, loving women who will treat you right. . . . don't hold your past against them.

    You're not a nobody, mrnobody26. Take care! We're here if you need somebody to talk to, and my inbox is always open.
  3. mrnobody26

    mrnobody26 New Member

    Thanks for the reply and support.

    Yea I totally agree about cutting all ties, since she isnt my girlfriend, never was and is only a friend with benefits it will be easier. Its been difficult because when shes not drinking shes the nicest girl you could ever meet. Trying to keep myself thinking and believing it isnt my fault. I know that with any girl iv ever met I have never been violent or aggressive towards on drink or whilst sober, however in her last relationship she was beaten by the guy and she also was violent towards him.

    I think it is hardest bit is when it happened. She would be drunk, cause an argument, then if I responded and she didnt like it the violence started. But as you mention in this society its not taken seriously. I know that from the police incident. That night I had about 15 punches fired at myself, as well as being pulled to the floor and strangled. I simply blocked her, grabbed her arm to restrain her and tried to push her away.... but I was the 1 who was arrested and gained a caution on my record. Whist she got away with it.

    Every time it happened she wouldnt remember half the night. She wouldnt remember exactly what she did to me and wouldnt remember starting it thus believed it was my fault. When people asked what had happned I would give an accurate reply to them.... This girl would be annoyed though and would tell them only the side she remembers which makes me look bad and gives people a bad opinion of me.

    The main thing, even more damaging than the abuse, is getting over my x, your right that I should completely move on. It was 9 weeks ago today that she ended it. I just have the thoughts in my head about it all, that I was the first person she slept with and all the good times. I often feel im stuck in this bad cycle. Where the only way to get over her is to push my life forwards and be happy in life so I can just forget.... However I dont have much in life at all, no friends, nobody to talk to and not really any hobbies anymore, which makes me low and think of her so I cant push forwards.

    Thanks buddy, appreciate the offer :D
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