Did it tonight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by toopainfultolive, Aug 15, 2011.

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  1. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    Kind of. Can't say what I did. But my arm really hurts. I can barely lift it up without the pain streaking thru. I'm fine, in other ways. Just a little more broken inside. I'm numb, no more laughter, no more tears and certainly no more cry for help. But I'll like some company as I can't stand the silence and loneliness. Writing my letter now. I did a presentation before my class years ago. We had to pick a topic from the book we were asked to read and I picked the topic on suicide. There were cases stories in it and one I rmb is a 5yrs old boy who jumped after pasting his suicide letter on the back of his bedroom door the night before. I still don't know what had caused me to pick the topic but I guess I had somewhat felt the connection. Gonna paste my letter too, behind the bedroom door. Ah, childish isn't it!? Oh well, it makes it all the more real. Btw, the book also mentioned how the tragic incident could have been avoided if the parents have been more attentive. Ha, who looks behind the door!? At least I know I won't. So now, instead of parents looking under the bed for monsters, they are looking behind the doors for letters. Can't type anymore. The pain is really getting to me. Shit!! Still need to finish my letter
  2. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    I... feel the upmost sadness for you right now.. and i cant help but to cry a little. I hope that, even though it might sound cruel to you, you survive and talk to us.. And we grow to become friends. I hope that one day you will have the ability to protect your life, and grow stronger with the pain youve felt. The world needs more people who can understand how this feels out there... Someone who can grow up to love someone.. No matter the scars on their body, in their mind, on their soul...

    At least that why i keep holding on... So i might one day save another life

    Im sorry for everything i really am...
  3. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    My arm still hurts like bitch and I haven't finish my letter but you have convince me to reply. I'm a sucker for people crying, whether real or not and you're are right about the world needing more people to understand us. To me, that means more of us. It's bad that there are more of us, but it's only us that can truly understand each other. Accept each other, despite all the pain we bear. I often wondered why? If someone asks me why I want to kill myself, what shall I reply? And I found my own answer after looking in the mirror - because my heart is small, and pain is a giant that crushes it.

    Btw, thanks for replying. The giant is still there, as always. At least loneliness and slience is fleeing away.
  4. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I too am sad for how you're feeling. Everyone has the right to be happy. I'm sorry I'm just a stranger on the internet and not someone you know with you in person supporting you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    what did you do to your arm? I hope you feel better and will be ok soon.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just letting you know you're not alone. I hope you'll keep posting and reaching out here.
  6. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    Let's just say I have a rope and it broke. Ugly bruise on the back of my left shoulder but I'll live.
  7. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    I'll probably be a nuisance. I can't seem to express myself, even with a thousand posts. My posts (if you have noticed) are jumbles of any thoughts I managed to grasp. I feel I haven't really have a 'real' problem. No illness, or haunting past/present or difficult issues. It's hard to explain why I see only darkness. It could be me, all along. But it's been too long and I'm simply too tired and numb. It's a wonder I'm not gone yet or I hate to admit, I'm probably too fat.
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I agree about the world needing more people to understand us.. It's always difficult to deal with suicidal thoughts. When my first wave of suicidal thoughts came, I couldn't believe it. :hug:

    Hope you stick around here and talk to us more. I can't begin to tell you how many people here don't think they have a 'real' problem compared to others. I hear it all the time, and at times I think about myself not having a 'real' problem. ;)

    :shake: I'm Alex, nice to meet you again.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You won't be a nuisance. :hug: Maybe things are hard for you to explain, but the important thing is that you're trying. You're posting, and personally, I think your posts are fine.
  10. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    yea, nice to meet u too Alex.

    Why do I sound so calm? I dunno myself. When I read others' posts, I can feel 'it'. How much the person needs someone to reach out and at times, I'm tempted to say you will be fine, which isn't true and I didn't believe in the slightest bit. So I refrain from replying as I have no wise words of encouragments or any magical words to make them feel better. But when I reread what I post here, I find myself sounding like a stranger. A stranger on the other side, watching my demise as I struggle helplessly. While it's true I'm not crying or in a emotional-wreak as I type my posts, how can I be so unfeeling? I don't even sound upset at my failure last night. I'm just going to try again and again until I'm gone, is what I truely feel. It's like I'm dead on the inside and I'm just waiting for the day to come.

    I have posted in other parts of the forum. But I haven't try to tell my whole story. It's hard for me to express myself since I'm ashamed of not having any 'real' problems compared to so many posts I have read. My heart goes out to those who struggles thru their everyday and trying to find some peace in this forum. I think those people are the ones with the 'real' problems and I feel I have no place to be here. Dunno if anyone will read this but I'll try to tell my story. It's boring and long. If you can bear till the end, props to you.

    I really can't remember when I started having no friends, but I do remember the desperation and loneliness I felt then. Probably around 7-8years old, I didn't know what to do. There's no manual to it. I started stalking/following my classmates in the hopes that they will turn their heads and see that I'm behind. I will join them in the quene behind, trying to strike up any conversation. Then oneday, one of them said, "Why is she always following us?" Till this day, I don't remember who she was or how she looks but I can't forget her words. I stopped following and instead roamed the school grounds during breaks. I didn't have lunch as I have got no one to eat with me. Classes were alright and I ran home the moment school ends. My parents are out for work and usually I'm the only one home. Everywhere I see are people always in groups, chatting happily. I want to know what they are talking about. I want to know what they are so happy about. I haven't got the courage to go up to them and I console myself that I didn't need friends and I can be happy on my own. This continues for years and things became unbearable. Then at 14, the pain was so overwhelming that I had several attempts. It seems such a stupid reason to die for. But I feel suffocated and very much lonely. Ard 15, my mum had an accident and she couldn't work since then. Finances are tight and everyone become angry at each other. I couldn't add on to their burden with my problems so I ran away from home with the plan to jump. I looked down from the high buildings and at the train tracks and told myself I can do it. In the end, I couldn't do it, not after hearing my dad begging me to come home over the phone. They didn't scold me but that was harder on me. I wish they did. Finally, I decided for my family's sake, I should try to work hard. My grades weren't good then and for that one year till I'm 16, I blocked everything from my mind and really worked my ass off. I graduated with good grades and I was proud of myself. Then it all repeat itself again, the loneliness and pain. I tried telling my family the least of what's going on with me then but they couldn't understand me and think I'm being weak and lazy. I quit school at 18, try to study somewhere again, and quit again. I feel I haven't really spoken to anyone (other than my family) for years and it's proving hard when I look for jobs. Things at home are taking a downward spiral as my dad retired years ago and my brother has yet to find a job depsite graduating from university. My other brother is the only one working, supporting the family and calling the shots in the family. I definitely find myself to be a burden. Over the years, the will to die keeps getting stronger and I see no future for myself.

    I had two dear friends. I met them online and only online. One of them have common hobbies with me and we got really close but difted apart for no reason. It was sad we were like sisters then and I never have a sister before or even any close female friends. The other was because we both wanted to die but we also difted apart after I refused to do it with her.

    Nothing more to add. That's it. Boring crap story.
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