yea, nice to meet u too Alex.
Why do I sound so calm? I dunno myself. When I read others' posts, I can feel 'it'. How much the person needs someone to reach out and at times, I'm tempted to say you will be fine, which isn't true and I didn't believe in the slightest bit. So I refrain from replying as I have no wise words of encouragments or any magical words to make them feel better. But when I reread what I post here, I find myself sounding like a stranger. A stranger on the other side, watching my demise as I struggle helplessly. While it's true I'm not crying or in a emotional-wreak as I type my posts, how can I be so unfeeling? I don't even sound upset at my failure last night. I'm just going to try again and again until I'm gone, is what I truely feel. It's like I'm dead on the inside and I'm just waiting for the day to come.
I have posted in other parts of the forum. But I haven't try to tell my whole story. It's hard for me to express myself since I'm ashamed of not having any 'real' problems compared to so many posts I have read. My heart goes out to those who struggles thru their everyday and trying to find some peace in this forum. I think those people are the ones with the 'real' problems and I feel I have no place to be here. Dunno if anyone will read this but I'll try to tell my story. It's boring and long. If you can bear till the end, props to you.
I really can't remember when I started having no friends, but I do remember the desperation and loneliness I felt then. Probably around 7-8years old, I didn't know what to do. There's no manual to it. I started stalking/following my classmates in the hopes that they will turn their heads and see that I'm behind. I will join them in the quene behind, trying to strike up any conversation. Then oneday, one of them said, "Why is she always following us?" Till this day, I don't remember who she was or how she looks but I can't forget her words. I stopped following and instead roamed the school grounds during breaks. I didn't have lunch as I have got no one to eat with me. Classes were alright and I ran home the moment school ends. My parents are out for work and usually I'm the only one home. Everywhere I see are people always in groups, chatting happily. I want to know what they are talking about. I want to know what they are so happy about. I haven't got the courage to go up to them and I console myself that I didn't need friends and I can be happy on my own. This continues for years and things became unbearable. Then at 14, the pain was so overwhelming that I had several attempts. It seems such a stupid reason to die for. But I feel suffocated and very much lonely. Ard 15, my mum had an accident and she couldn't work since then. Finances are tight and everyone become angry at each other. I couldn't add on to their burden with my problems so I ran away from home with the plan to jump. I looked down from the high buildings and at the train tracks and told myself I can do it. In the end, I couldn't do it, not after hearing my dad begging me to come home over the phone. They didn't scold me but that was harder on me. I wish they did. Finally, I decided for my family's sake, I should try to work hard. My grades weren't good then and for that one year till I'm 16, I blocked everything from my mind and really worked my ass off. I graduated with good grades and I was proud of myself. Then it all repeat itself again, the loneliness and pain. I tried telling my family the least of what's going on with me then but they couldn't understand me and think I'm being weak and lazy. I quit school at 18, try to study somewhere again, and quit again. I feel I haven't really spoken to anyone (other than my family) for years and it's proving hard when I look for jobs. Things at home are taking a downward spiral as my dad retired years ago and my brother has yet to find a job depsite graduating from university. My other brother is the only one working, supporting the family and calling the shots in the family. I definitely find myself to be a burden. Over the years, the will to die keeps getting stronger and I see no future for myself.
I had two dear friends. I met them online and only online. One of them have common hobbies with me and we got really close but difted apart for no reason. It was sad we were like sisters then and I never have a sister before or even any close female friends. The other was because we both wanted to die but we also difted apart after I refused to do it with her.
Nothing more to add. That's it. Boring crap story.