DID/MPD Questions, concerns, fears, etc.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Swollen, Sep 23, 2008.

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  1. Swollen

    Swollen Active Member

    Le Sigh.

    I apparently have been officially diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. It wouldn't be so bad, I suppose, but it appears that I have a severe case. It does explain a lot, but I am not happy and am feeling exceptionally low.

    I have more than one personality. One than just "me" happens to be suicidal. I guess chances of my death have increased with multiple personalities trying to kill one body.

    My therapists aren't wanting to reveal what other personalities have told them actually. I have gotten a few bits of information out of them about the other sides of...this body. It seems that they have "met" a few through their course of sessions with ... me? us? whatever.

    I'm not sure how to refer to "myself" any more. Do I say I am Ann or do I say that I am one personality in a body that I refer to as Ann? I am very confused. I am very scared. What if another personality does very bad and I am to blame? Will I ever get to "interact" with my other personalities? What if my other personalities have created a whole life around them and I won't find out until years down the road? What if the other personalities began relationships and I am unaware of it? I have so many questions. I have so many concerns.

    What if I'm not what I say I am? I "know" I'm a virgin--but what if I'm not after all? I "know" I don't have a boyfriend--but what if I do and I just haven't seen that person yet for them to "recognize" me? I know where I work, but what if I have two jobs?

    I find myself wondering if my situation was what it was because the therapists knew a long time ago. I wonder if I was placed in "special" situations to avoid conflict between myself and the other personalities. I wonder...

    But I am so afraid now.

    I fear what could be.
    I fear what I am.

    I am trying to ignore this and go on but I catch myself questioning every move I make. I come home with groceries to find groceries already stocked in my refrigerator. I know "I" didn't do that but I know something that is considered "me" did. I had seen this before and chalked it up to a bad memory but now I know that is false.
    I have come to find stray kittens at my door, curious if "I" have brought them there previously.
    I have bumped into people who claim to know "me" when I have no recollection of ever meeting them.
    My boss has asked me, on several occasions, if I was feeling better than the previous day. Sometimes I am confused though, thinking that I was off the previous day--how would he know if I was ill or not? It must have not been "me" he saw.
    I once could not, for the life of me, remember waking up, getting dressed, and going to work. Now I know why. Now I know it wasn't because of too little sleep or too busy of a mind to recall.

    I know answers but it only created so many more questions.

    Am I alone?
    Are "we" alone?
    Is whatever "I" am...alone?

    Do I tell anyone?
    If I meet a boy, should I tell him?
    Should I inform my boss?
    Apartment complex?
    Bag boy at the grocery store?

    I D K.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I don't know much about DID, but it kind of sounds like a spirit has possessed your body. Do you really have absolutely no recollection of these events? Like going to buy groceries only to find that they were already bought. I hope the other personality that you have isn't destructive. You have to try and be focused everyday so that your mind doesn't wander and allow the other personality to take over. People can get possessed by spirits but it is very rare. You should tell someone who you can trust about this personality.
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    hi. i'd suggest to work it out with a good therapist safely. honestly, they shouldn't be giving you a diagnosis and saying it's a 'severe' case without talking about safety.

    i've seen it like this- the more you pathologise, the more you get scared, the more you might feel out of control.

    apparently, my therapist says i'm very 'fragmented' that doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing. my past counsellors said i have a gift in doing what i do otherwise i wouldn't be still alive. and what has grown is a part of me that has had to split and look after myself which is me taking care and soothing myself when needed.

    and when you think about it, isn't everyone fragmented in some way or another- doesn't everybody go down life in a fucking haze not knowing what they are doing-performing certain roles to acquaintences, family, friends?

    or maybe i'm just very aware of my own fog that i've found myself in, in the past. i didn't know that i act 'strangely' towards others until people have made me aware- ie, i've been extremely remote, pretty much a lot of the time, or sometimes i'm off somewhere else working things out, or sometimes, i'm extremely vulnerable like a child.

    the only thing i do know is that i've (my eating disorder) took on the shape of my father's abusiveness in the past- and he became something in me and he needed to get out. he got out last year, great eh? and my ED has been the best it's been for years and years.

    your whole post seems to be like you're questioning your reality, your very existence that must be really terrifying. i just suggest talking about them with a therapist who will guide you safely.

  4. Hmm... sounds "magical" to me, in a way, like perhaps these people were meant to be there, these things meant to have happened, all part of these people working their "magic". The bag boy at the grocery store and all of these other people might know you, they might not, but you shouldn't allow these things to make you afraid of yourself. Just be patient and don't allow them to "spam" you with worry, doubt, and concern.

  5. Avalanche

    Avalanche Member

    I know how confusing it can be and I think its normal to have all of the fears and concerns that you have right now. I guess the important thing is that now that you have been diagnosed, you can work with your T to find ways to work through this and with time, hopefully you will together be able to come up with a system that works for you all.

    It is scary to not only be struggling yourself, but to also have to worry about the things that 'you' are not able to control.

    Have you tried to keep a journal? A place that you feel safe leaving thoughts/fears/concerns/rules/important information/communication?

    Please hang in there...with time, it does get a little better and easier to manage, but it does take time and patience.

    As for telling people, that is up to you.
    Some people do not understand...others close to you sort of need to know.
    Its hard to judge, but try to get a feel for what is right for you.

    Take care and let me know if you ever need to talk about it,
  6. samanalea

    samanalea Member

    i feel that it infuriated me to read your post. i think it´s quite a hard way to go for your therapists to tell you you got "severe" DID and that some other part of you is suicidal just like that. i go with ggg4567 that they should have spoken with you about safety as well and maybe brought on that diagnosis bit by bit. i know how terrifying that diagnosis is, i guess that´s why it makes me so furious to read that they kind of gave you the whole heavy package at once and made it even heavier by attaching the "severe". ok, end of rant on your therapists.

    sorry to start my reply with such a rant.

    i know that diagnosis is terrifying but don´t forget: it´s a diagnosis. though it is deeply terrifying it means there is something you can lay your hands on. something you can work with. something you can start "handling".

    i wish you all the strength and patience
  7. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I've read your post and it really bothers me on how you were made aware of the roots of your problem.

    ggg4567 gave you the best advice...:"your whole post seems to be like you're questioning your reality, your very existence that must be really terrifying. i just suggest talking about them with a therapist who will guide you safely."

    DDD can be helped (some cases cured) with a lot of work on your part with a good therapist. Don't beat yourself with the diagnosy.

    Write down all the questions you may have and hand it to your therapist(s) on your next apointment. You will get answered and find some security and comfort in getting answers.

    Best of luck dear
    granny xx
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