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Did she love me?

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My half sister reckons my Grandma (Dad's Mum) loved all her grandchildren yet even with my brilliant memory of my downbeat childhood I just don't remember her. Only time I remember seeing her face was through a door when she was on a death bed and Dad dragged us all to the Hospital. Yet I made a visit to her old house as my step grandfather lives there still and I was so desperate to know about my half sister and the whereabouts of my Dad. I noticed all the pictures of grandchildren were on the wall and mine and my brother and sister's pictures were just over in the corner collecting dust. How can I believe this women loved us I barely knew the woman. Noticed my sister and half brothers got prominent spots which has always made me feel like the outcast seeing as I discovered three years ago when all this finding out stuff happened that my Dad only visits them three and not us. How can I expect girlfriends to be loyal and stick around when flesh and blood are my downfall?


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My father's mother could not stand me...I think it was because, even as a young child, I knew how impaired she was...also because my father was not her favorite child...she would adorn my cousins and treat me like I was a dog...giving me the emotional leftovers...but she did not determine who I was...and yes, even at this old age, I wish she did not neglect me as she did...it hurt then and when I remember it, it hurts now...but since I could not ask her because I was so young was whether this is how she really loved everyone...her problems not mine! Sorry you do not feel that love either...I know what that emptiness feels like


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My fathers mother despises me. It is a shame in many ways because I feel it is her that has missed out, not me. You can't miss what you never had right? Now it is her who is alone in a nursing home with nobody to visit her as she has been evil to the whole family. Such a shame.


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There was a fair share of emotional deprivation from my family, but it started to feel a tad bit better once I understood that not being cherished was not so much due to the fact I was so totally defective and unworthy of love, as in the incapacity of my parents to give me what they did not have in them to give. There is still lots of sadness and honestly, I dont think there is a definite end to the grief, but some relief and to an extent, some forgiveness.


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I never knew 3 of my grandparents. They all died before I was born. I was extremely close to my Nana before she died though. She was the only member of my family who seemed to care to be truthful. I guess she is the one person in this world who I've never doubted that she loved me. Its my own actions that cause me despair. When I look back on how bad these past few years have been... I wonder if she would still love me :/ Sometimes I catch myself staring at her picture from her 90th birthday and as sad as it sounds, I talk to her. I tell her how sorry I am for letting her down when she needed me. I tell her how guilty I feel for not doing more when her own daughters signed the form to withdraw medication even though she was responding to it. Then I just start to cry.. How is it that those I care about most either die or run away and all I'm left with are those who don't care whether I live or die.

Apart from my Nana, I've found that my family are the biggest losers of all. The few friends I have let into my heart I consider to be my true family. I even call them such. I call my friend Jade my 'big sis' and she calls me 'lil bro' in return :) Flesh and blood is just that, flesh and blood. Its the stuff everyone is made of. Common. Its how we act that decides who is truly worth our time. There isn't some easy fix unfortunately. When you find the one you'll know though. You might not feel whole again or truly happy, but they'll do everything in their power to make sure that one day you can smile again. Your smile and love will be what they live for. I know its hard but think of it this way; its not you who is losing out here. Its those who have let you down. Because now they've hurt you and alienated you. They're gonna miss out on everything good you'll do in the future. They're not going to be able to share in your happiness and friendship. You're a good person. The fact you can see the wrong they are doing and the fact you care is testament to that. If anyone has earned happiness, its people like us.


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Its not just her my other Nan who I saw until I was 6 called me a b*stard and I've been haunted by it since. My Mum stormed out of her house with me and my Brother and never saw her again. Never met my Grandfathers either I feel very cheated in life.
In her twilight years, my grandama (mother's mother) has gone senile and I was tasked with living with her in her house to look after her.

I didn't like the experience.

She was rude, having the worst possible reaction to almost everything. I once tell her to move aside so that i can clean the floor to which she replies by angrily telling me that I just want her to get out of the house or life itself.
Sometimes, she forgot who I am and address me as a stranger (sometimes asking me to leave to which I ignore)
Sometimes, she reply to nothingness as if she sees or hears something other humans can (was scary as first but i get used to it after a while)
Sometimes, she literally beats up the door of my room, asking me to leave it open without a reason
Some other times, shes angrily argue with someone (ghosts?) in the middle of the night (without anyone being there again).

I wouldn't say it was the worst experience of my life cuz I know her mind just is not working right
but then again, that was possibly the only reason I could got through all that. I simply believe that had she been normal she would have treated me well. (BTW, I only visited her like 1-2 times a year on special occasions so I am acutalyl not really sure if my thought was actually right.)

Also, she's gone now. And I can tell that I wish I treated her better (Lost my cool quite few times and started yell back at her)

Anyway, maybe you also want to try thinking she's like that because her mind just is not working right ? That helped me


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I'll never know both are dead. Forever hearing wonderful tales from relatives older than me about my Grandfather who passed away before I was born and yet all I get is horrible histories when they describe my Dad (I remember him being a pathetic loser but I've still got to come to terms with being a losers offspring) my Dad's Father hasn't had nothing to do with his family for decades so that's another grandparent I can't turn too and my step grandfather barely knew who I was and persisted that my photo on his cabinet didn't deserve a place on the wall with my siblings. I'm the second oldest but oldest son out of my siblings yet I've never been anything in my Dad's family.

I was walking home through the graveyard and on my Dad's Mum's headstone read "beloved mum and Nan" I just can't sleep at night with that claim on her stone its not correct and I don't believe in its substance. I might seem like I'm having a Larry David moment but it doesn't seem right that a women is being proclaimed to be a beloved something when I think she hated me as I don't remember her!! Its bad enough they buried my Mum's Mum with her Dad now she can't face visiting the grave its just torture, nobody gives a second thought. I remember walking home with Mum and noticed her Mum's house had been cleared after her death and on the path was my baby photo that looked like it had collected dust for 15 years. Why me??
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