Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by jjjoooggg2, Jul 18, 2010.
Did you have controlling parents?
in what way?
Deciding what you should major in, where to goto school. Being grounded for no reason for extended periods. Working for parents with no days off. Parents never satisfied with work performance. Parents don't want children to leave and live their life.
I ask this because no one except one person believes that controlling parents exist. They seem to think I'm a 40 year old rebellious teenager. My one friend believes me only through trust because he knows I wouldn't lie about this. We've been friends for 20 years. Everyone else seems to think that the parent is always right and doesn't ever want anything bad for their children.
I have skimmed through 4 books about controlling parents and the book does not side with the parents except that they are past victims who should receive compassion.
my mum is very controlling when it comes to school not so much other things
there isn't a lot to control for my parents lol. I basicly go to school, come home. stay at home until i go to school the next day. they can't ground me because I ground myself I guess . But it's bad when I organize for an old friend of mine or something to come over and they say(my parents) that they can't come over because of some rediculous reason. It's just like, "fuck this shit. I don't know why I even bother trying to socialize". Maybe that's why i dont bother much these days. It'll be interesting to see what happens when I start failing classes or getting extra shit marks. I may have to get a job within the next 8 months or so because once I hit 16 my mum doesnt get any government benefits to help buy food and stuff. But i don't think i'd be able to get a job. I can barely muster the energy to go to school everyday and NEARLY fail most of my classes....:sigh:
all the way up to age 18 and all bets were off ..i was living in Hollywood with bands druggie in up in a week....it was the 80s and fucking blast...i was timed to eat my meals until then which is sort of fucked up...like i was in the army or soemthing but not after 18 Lowenbraus and KFC all the way
I think it's old-fashioned if you will for parents to be controlling of their children. I also think it's an unintelligent way of approaching raising your kids as it's destructive to their development and not constructive.
Isn't the whole point of parenting is that you guide your children up to the point that they are responsible? You have to teach them to be responsible. You also have to teach them to be indepentent! How else are they going to be able to take care of themselves??
*sighs* Sorry for the rant here but this is something I feel very strongly about. Just recently I heard someone say that "being a parent is a learning process" and that "you learn how to be a good parent through trial and error" and this is just the whole problem I see around me a lot; parents who don't think things through beforehand regarding raising their children! I mean how inconsiderate to their childeren is that??
And some kids are more fragile than others and are at risk of being victimized by their parent's bad parenting. E.g. on this other forum I heard this story of a woman who was afraid to stand up to her parents and go her own way because there were "too many consequences" she felt. This ultimately led to her having missed a lot of opportunities and to her having a depression...
People need to be free. And if you love someone, you don't oppress them which is what some parents do whether they realize it or not. It's sad.
Mine are horrible. They insist on interfering with my life in every way they possibly can. In the last 6 months, I've finally said "fuck them" and began rebuilding my life. I am not able to work, in the standard sense, so I have to accumulate the necessary money for school and life by using other means, as I don't expect to be recieving any money after I sever all ties with them when I turn 18.
A friend of mine has it worse, though, because he still accepts that his parents know best. He allowed them to choose all his courses, and won't do anything they don't approve of. Which is practically everything.
I think it's all about your mental state, and how you consider them. Once you accept that they're worthless pieces of shit, you have a chance to salvage something in your life.
Mine are in between being kinda controlling, and extremely controlling. Still have to live with 'em now, since I'm still in school. :dry: It sucks. Anyone here want me to move in with them? :tongue:
I think that I can deal with the emotional seperation after reading a book called "Cutting Loose," written by a parent psychologist who decided to write for the children too. It helps people of varying ages understand why parents control. And how to move out. I've read other books "Emotional Blackmail," "Toxic Parents," "If you had controlling parents." Having read the reason why parents control by the inner child within a parent and their fears, insecurities and past experiences, I think that I need to keep contact with my parents in a limited adult to adult communtication.
I was mainly upset with the lack of understanding from friends.
Yet now, I'm mostly worried about what job to find when I leave even though I have a degree. My father pushed me into this degree even though I initially chose this degree not thinking that I would stay in it. I'm still a bit worried. I've come up with 3 ideas. But I still feel like I need more back up plans.
I guess I'm lucky, because I didn't have controlling parents. For a long time, I thought I had a controlling father, as he has been telling me about jobs I should apply for and career paths I should go down, among other things, since I was a teenager. But then I realized that that is only a parent's right and not a controlling behaviour.
I'm also lucky in that, and I can't really say this tactfully but oh well, I don't harbor intensely negative or even hateful feelings towards the people that clothed, fed, and housed me for the first 18 years of my life. Perhaps it has something to do with knowing how damn hard the real world can be when you're out on your own, paying hundreds of hard earned dollars a week just to be able to live your life.
I can understand the feelings of a child who was or is the victim of a controlling parent though. Feeling like you aren't allowed to live your life, or that what you think is right is actually wrong, or that you will have to suffer this treatment for the rest of your life.
But the best way to stop them from controlling your behaviour is to show them that you don't need their control, you are no longer a child, and you won't do a bad or stupid thing if they aren't hovering over you dictating your every move. Unfortunately the last one rarely happens, as the child of a controlling parent often acts out, rebels, drinks excessively (at least in my country they do), and reinforces the parents' belief that what they (the parent) are doing is necessary.
What I'm trying to say is that they are generally being controlling because they believe you need to be controlled (or in their mind, "looked after"), and if you show them that you will make a bad choice without them, then that will completely justify their reasons for trying to control you.
And sure, controlling parents are overbearing, unreasonable and irrational in their behaviour towards their kids, but the majority of them, believe it or not, truly just want what is best for their children.
My parents seem to be extremely controlling - I try really hard to not let them know when I'm not feeling great and have SI & SH urges but if they do find out and when they find out I'm on 24/7 watch, I'm not allowed anywhere on my own even within the house. I'm not allowed to stay in my own room on my own and not allowed to lock the bathroom door. So if they ever ask how I'm feeling I always make sure that I say that I'm ok and try my best to cover everything else up.
When I've od'd before my parents have both gone absolutely mental at me, my dad didn't talk to me for 3 days after one stay in hospital and last time my mum said she wished Id done a better job and suceeded so I couldn't put them all through any more!
Sorry for going on, I thought it was always because I'm such an awful daughter and failure.
my parents have never been controlling ,or caring even, they just kinda let me bring myself up.
There is such a thing as healthy control, so I can see why people would not understand my situation.
Let me clarify.
I'm reading a book(travel journals) at dinner. My father will insist that what I'm reading is stupid and I can not read any book in front of him except physics or piloting in front of him. My mother kept me in my room for four years of high school. I was not allowed to leave my room. I had no TV and just vegetated. She would burst open the door 3 times a day to make sure I was there without knocking. She used to yell at the top of her lungs for 1 hour a day for no reason. I told my father what I wanted to do with my degree when I was 36 while we were at a restaurant. He exploded for 20 minutes saying repeatedly, "what are you talking about, there you go, what are you talking about, there you go...." I couldn't get a word in. When I was 37, for no reason he started jamming his fingers into the table saying " i'm your father, you do as I say." I started working for my father since I was 12 full time. When I was 23 I had just finished working every day for two years 60 hours/ week and he told me that I couldn't have a day off to go hunting with the manager. My father disowned my half sister when she moved out at 17 til she passed away in her late 20's. She tried to tell me that she was my half sister, but my father said that she was a crazy lady until we had to goto her funeral. She was supposedly the best paralegal in her office. But married an abusive alcoholic. It is mandatory that I goto 3 parties a year that I'm not invited to and doesn't interest me. I have to go in his car so that I can not drive away in my own car. He insists that I have to eat with him everyday because he is old and been starving all day to eat with me and that I should call him before he calls me.
To try to explain what a controlling parent is is a whole book. I am 40 and up til 39 my father did not give a choice to move out. I tried once when I was 23 and it was the most depressing moment of my life.
Now I think that no one can understand unless they have been inside or read books. It's not just an ultimatum, it's an emotional connection where children feel good only when their parents feel good. And the parents are not making decisions based on the childrens' interest or wellbeing, but are making decision based on the parent's fears, selfishness, misplaced angers, insecurities and benefits. Over control is not personal. It is about the parent, not the child. It's generational.
This is from a book called "If you had controlling parents:"
50 reasons people control in unhealthy ways:
1. others will take advantage of them.
2. total control of others is possible and that they are controlling for others' good.
3. the world is unsafe and control can ward off danger.
4. disagreements can destroy people and being criticized is life threatening.
5. values and lifestyles differing from theirs are wrong.
6. they are superior to other people.
7. stituations are a zero-sum game in which there is always a winner and a loser.
1. were raised with excessive control and did not fully and healthily seperate from their parents.
2. grew up feeling abandoned or smothered and came to see others as potential abandoners or smotherers.
3. felt overridden and deprived as children and are terrified of being overriden and deprived as adults.
4. never felt seen as children and now insist on being the center of attention.
5. had misguided models of how to treat other people.
1. fear their needs for safety and dependency and consequently intellectualize instead of facing their fellings.
2. attempt to avoid a huge reservoir of grief anger or regret and see others' emtions as unsettling reminders.
3. are convinced they won't get gratification so they remain aloof.
4. have poor body images or conflicts about sexuality and are jealous of others' healthier or yourger bodies.
5. possess poor emotional coping skills and cannot teach others how to deal with feelings.
6. envy others' good fortune.
7. are depressed, anxious, addicted and or have poor impulse control.
1. feed off the energy of others.
2. personalize others' actions.
3. need to feel grandiose because they are petrified of feeling weak or powerless.
4. are addicted to control, which like a drug or a drink brings on a rush.
5. need to channel their desire for revenge and to feel others are dependent on them.
6 are just plain mean.
1. are unwilling to admit they have weakness or fears.
2. are angry with themselves, a spouse, a boss or their own parents but displace their anger onto others who are not as threatening.
3. act in ways that mirror their fears (eg a father who grew up in a chaotic home may be obsessed with order; a mother who was treated as stupid in childhood may exhort her children to be "smart.")
4. are in denial about their control and the pain they cause others.
5. see others as the cause of their problems and are overly suspicious.
i was allways aloud to do as i please and make my own choices... kids dont make very good choices.:sad:
Within a parent, there is an inner child that wants his children to be dependent on them. The adult side wants his children to become independent. But for emotional reasons this inner child overrides the adult side of the parent. When I was 37, every night my father would spend up to 30 minutes belittling me in public over dinner that I can't take care of myself.
I disagree that control is the way to prevent poor decisions. The more control you relinquish, the more they will learn. So long as you don't end up dead, or traumatized, you will be more mature from your experiences.
I am an incredibly rational individual. I have never done drugs, never drank, never had sex. I am academic, yet they still insist on attempting to micromanage my life. It's not healthy, it's abusive.
I said 'extremely controlling', but I'm not sure if that's accurate. My parents are very much in control of my life, but in my case I have to take ownership for at least some of that.
My parents were the most controlling with academic related issues. They picked my high school courses (In 9th grade they forced me to take computer programming instead of what I wanted to take - chorus, and that basically set the precedent.) They forced me to take piano lessons from kindergarten through my senior year of high school because they told me I had to play an instrument to get into a good college. They forced me to do tennis, the musicals, math league, programming club, community service, honor society. On weekends, I usually wasn't allowed to go out - I stayed home and did practice SAT tests, math league sets, and AP tests. Over the summers I worked jobs that my parents told me would look good on my resume, but I was never allowed to touch the money I made. When I wasn't working, I went to science camps and got ahead on my math coursework so that I'd have an edge over my classmates. Basically, my high school experience was just going through the motions of the schedule my parents created for me. Outside of what they told me to do, I didn't do anything.
When I first went to college, my parents basically vetoed my choice of major. I wanted to double major in biology and neuroscience, but my parents said engineering was a much more sensible career. I suppose at this point I could have stood up for myself and majored in what I wanted to, but I was so used to doing what they said that I ended up majoring in something I hated. While I was at college, I came home ~ every other weekend, and called home almost every day. Again, I probably could have grown independent if I had wanted to, but going home so often felt like somethign that was required, so I did it.
Now I'm 22, in grad school, and living back at home. My parents still make most my choices for me, but now it is definitely my fault. They say they want me to do what I want to do, but I don't know how to break out of the pattern. I feel like every time I have made a choice contrary to what they wanted me to do, it was the wrong choice. My therapist tells me that I think too much in black-and-white, but I truly believe that I always make wrong choices and they always make right choices. So now, I constantly ask my parents for advice, and pester them until they give it to me. I don't know how to make decisions, and I am absolutely terrified that I am an "adult" now.
soo.. I dunno. I love my parents. They control everything in my life, and I love them for that. lol I have issues obvi