didn't even hurt

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by TBear, Dec 7, 2009.

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  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Just sliced up my arm... feeling so hopeless

    Hate myself... don't understand what is going on with me
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear you harmed yourself T bear You must have been in a great deal of pain I wish you could have come here before you harm self. I understand the reason you did it and hope you can reach out and talk to someone about it. You perhaps need some more therapy or a change in your medication. Sorry the pain won this time please stay safe.
  3. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Having a very hard time

    Don't take meds

    Therapy 2x /week; and phone calls 2 or 3 times a day as needed...

    Find it very hard to reach out

    Very alone, lots triggering me - flashbacks nightly, even sometimes daily...

    I dissociate lots...

    I have walled away, so many emotions, so many pieces of me - coconscious usually... but I "decompose" under pressure

    I have too much to do, and so much emotional, financial, and mental pressure...

    Feel useless when I need and don't have the resources to help others...

    Thank you for the response - having no response when i am in pain is a trigger - so i learned not to reach out long ago, as a child who had been beaten or raped, just wanting some comfort and there being none...

    That is usually when I feel like cutting - to bring myself back, or punish myself for even hoping that someone will respond...

    And yet, I still must function.. a full-time job that is essential, and a single mom with 7 children - 2 with anxiety issues, 3 with ADHD, all needing me to be there for them.... No one is there for me because I am not worth being cared about... just here to be used , hurt, and when i can't do what is needed... like garbage that should just be throw out when used up....

    Don't know why I keep going... But I do - I switch into the robotic, unfeeling, functional self again - glue on a smile, and go on for another day...

    Sorry to ramble so - thanks for caring
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i recognize this person sound like me I know your pain i do please you are not worthless you are not garbage dirt You are a caring mother loving and your children know this they do You give and give of yourself until you are burn't out i know. Somehow you have to get a moment just for you just to breath slowly and realize you are important you do matter. Please know this. I beat myself up so much like you with words from the past but they are not true none of it. Work is the only release i have because it lets me know i am someone I hope you know you are someone too and i am so sorry you are feeling all alone in this but your not okay Keep strong You do Matter You are important and your children love you everyday for it the reallly do Keep venting okay because i know writing out the pain does help it really does. sending hugs and support for YOU take care,:console::rose:
  5. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thank you...really means more than I can say....

    :hug: Take care of yourself
  6. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    tbear, one thing i can say sounds like you have a phenominal amount of energy. i hope you can use some of it to be morre happy
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    TBear i hope you are feeling better today Maybe distractions could help decorating the house for Christmas going shopping with a friend. Is there anyway you can get time out just for you to have a quiet coffee away from the kids and all responsibilities. Just know we care here about you and hope your pain and depression lessons soon. I am glad you got some therapy someone to talk to take care and keep writing okay keep letting go of the pain.:hugtackles:
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    you're not worthless. i know the feeling of being used well.

    you're struggling

    you're one of the most beautiful caring people i've met on this forum and someone who admire a lot.

    keep reaching out to anyone around. what is your therapist saying about all of this? maybe seeing him/her more frequently would help?

    i'm responding because i hear you. i heard that you cut, and i hope that gave you relief at that moment in time. that feeling of no one there for you is horrible it might remind you of times in the past when there was no one there to help you.

    i'm having a rough time at the moment but every time i see a post by you or see your avatar or hear your words it reminds me that you're NOT worthless you're incredibly precious.

    edit: sorry
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 12, 2009
  9. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    I believe ggg4567 meant that they believe that you're not worthless, and actually incredibly precious, it just came out wrong. The rest of the post shows what they mean though, Just wanted to point it out so you didn't take it the wrong way.
    Keep posting, the pain will start to ease with the more you vent on here about everything.
  10. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    My therapist does help - lots...

    twice a week is alot to pay for, even though he helps without payment sometimes... I have a running tab

    The pressure of seeing my daughter marry, and trying to hold both the fear that it brings to me and the happiness for her at the same time is next to impossible.

    So many triggers, and then I disconnect - I called my therapist on the phone in child mode...and he was able to ground me and bring me back -

    He keeps trying to remind me that I am OK - just very hurt and trying to heal from a lifetime of pain...so hard

    He tells me that I have to learn to reach out and ask for help... I usually withdraw and contemplate how I could kill myself without it hurting my kids - so I am trapped in life.

    I remember cutting as if I am watching myself, slicing - without feeling anything and wondering why -

    Same as when I was beaten as a child till the stripes were bleeding on my body - and I just didn't feel it - I couldn't.

    Really hate when I do that... The responses here are so kind and helpful, brings tears to my eyes...Thank you :hug:
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: i suppose the child isn't used to reaching out and asking for help when she's in crisis. do you think that if you were in crisis you'd let the relevant people know? because you do sound you're under a lot of stress. i'm glad to hear your therapist on the phone helped you feel better.

    when is the wedding? maybe after it's over , things will settle down for you in some way? and maybe there are things to help ground and soothe yourself in the here and now- like what your therapist is doing, and what you give to your children, you could send some of that love, patience and compassion to the child inside you that is so hurt, tired and fighting, but amazingly strong too.
  12. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Don't know if I would reach out or not...

    Hate being needy, hate asking for anything from anyone - I've always been hurt or blamed or simply left to endure alone...

    This therapist is the only one to always return my call and he insists that I call and check in...

    I've always said that if I was serious about suicide - I wouldn't tell anyone, cause they would try to stop me...

    When I told the therapist that he said "now, your making me nervous.." That was actually when he started having me check in more often...

    I used to write as a way to let my different "parts" express themselves and
    soothe myself - I recently broke my right hand and I feel as if I lost my voice(s) ...Each piece of who I am has a different handwriting - typing is not the same....

    I do try to help myself a bit....not easy.
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am same never really want to bother anyone. I said same thing if it came down to it i wouldn't call my Doctor as i wouldn't put that stress on him. I was given cell number to call but won't use it. just not fair to put him in that position. when i decide noone will know I was always left alone to deal with things.always cared for others learned young i did not matter. I am glad your therapist says call more as i think you are very strong and a very compassionate person. Your children lucky to have you. stay strong okay don't let them win stay strong.
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I empathise. But there's nothing wrong with needing love and care. From what you say, it seems you were rejected or punished in the past when you reached out for things when you were suffering. It can be a huge risk and frightening to reach out , but you've done that here and that's so good to hear and know.

    Your suffering is important. You are important. I know my words might seem vacuous but maybe the dissociation you're experiencing might make you feel like you're not connected to yourself....

    When you're cutting, maybe you know this but you're doing what the abusers did to you when you were a little child- maybe it works on some level for you- maybe you're renacting abuse because you're so stressed out and don't know what to do..

    Not being able to write with your hand sounds stressful...maybe you could have a space where you could talk, in privacy. You could talk and let out the parts that way, and let them say what needs to be said, feel what needs to be felt. Otherwise the dissociative state you're in can be self destructive, numbing and out of control.

    I'm glad your therapist is checking on you and keeping an eye on you. If there's anything I can do to help let me know. I really hope you get through this period.

    What helped me with triggers/flashbacks/dissociation is containing the feelings. It's having a container to contain them, rather than being so overwhelmed I dissociate badly. I don't know if that made any sense, cos I don't know the work you do with your therapist and what helps you personally. But try and keep close touch with him, he sounds like he's an important source of support for you.
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi TBear hope you are feeling better today and the triggers are less sending you some support and hope you are doing better.:rose:
  16. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Just sad and hopeless feeling...

    Wondering why I try

  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    the same reason i keep going for our kids. i sorry you are so down and i know how tremendously hard it is to get out of that feeling god i know. I hope you can draw strengths from somewhere your children smiles their words anything and if you need to just sleep then do it every chance you get. take care.
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