Hi, Yes it is hard to kick the feeling when you want to die, totally understand, you seem to use so much energy fighting and fighting and you end up so exhausted. So you need to disconnect from these feelings and try and stay focussed, I usually go for a drive and burn some rubber whilst listening to loud music crazy I now but it works for me. Hope you are OK take care Ali.
I felt like that yesterday morning - but had a few things to do so had to leave suicide and visit someone ill. Also - was looking at something to buy later on in the day so that was life affirming- as long as its not a coffin or a tombstone.
Tell us what's triggered this episode if you want - or is it the usual 'day' we all have - the culmination of worries building up and so on.
Hope its nothing bad happened - and thta you have some support there. As for unfair - I'm sure it is - your a nice person who done no real wrong - but really - its just depression makes things SEEM like we have no hope - so we need diversions when that happens.
Take your pick there are lots of them.
Also - good things can happen in life - for the all the bad days we have with depression it really is nice when good things happen - so maybe you'll meet a knight in white shining armour - like go into a time-slip - in the medieval days and so on. Well odds are you'd be hung for witchcraft or heresy. A mobile phone would seal your fate - and if you drown your innocent - but if you float guilty!
Tough justice back then.
As for Ali 56 - sounds like a sensible idea really.
I'd be a mangled wreck somewhere if I drove - but I might get driving lessons - not so much to be the family taxi (always the case) but simply to drive aimlessly at night - with a stereo more expensive than the car. Pick up hitch-hikers - talk to lorry drivers in some little out of the way greasy spoon - they talk about anything and everything.
I enjoy walking - aimlessly - but thank God so far not in my pyjamas and foaming at the mouth and shouting something about 'my enemies!' - like some man near me who lost it and decided the world was his enemy - and all who walked in it!
So he would stand pointing to people - 'friend or enemy!'
Actually - I said he ought to take the anti psychotic drugs - they keep him sane.
I'm off now to walk in the storm.
Hope your feeling a bit better losing heart - nice to meet you if I have not done so already.
I think the world will be a nicer place with you in it. Hope the kindness you've shown others comes back soon. It does in the end.