Difference between Suicidal and wanting Death

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#22
Actually, I have often thought the same thing. Not in terms of suicide. But, wondering when I will be told of a terminal illness. Maybe, it's because of our age? (I'm in my 50's). Seems there's nothing more to life. The future looks bleak.
Yes, your point is well taken, it's mostly because of Aging, as I'm in my 60s. The older we get, the worse our health gets. I still enjoy my Recreation but what happens when I get Alzheimer's. After all, someone with Alzheimer's loses all their mental faculties and cannot even play cribbage. An Alzheimer's patient basically becomes a vegetable. It won't be life but only existence.
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#23
Not suicidal, as I said but instead wishing I could die a year from now. Well, in a few days it will be the end of the year. So once I cross over into 2019, it means I'll have to live for one more year. Most depressed people work at surviving one day at a time. Some even for one hour at a time. So my time period of one year must be an improvement then. What time periods do you others have?
 

Inya

babaya gayolera
#25
To me, there is a difference between suicidal and wanting death. What I mean in my case is that I do not consider myself suicidal but at the same time I wish I could die the following year. Not suicidal because I don't look for methods at all. But I still periodically wish I could die after one year. To me, my favorite dream is fantasizing my physician telling me that I have a terminal illness from which I will die after one year or so.
I think there is a big difference, but the line in between is very thin.

I went through all possible stages. First it was a 'please don't wake up' thought before I fell asleep, then I don't want to exist, I want to disappear with every trace of my existence, I want to be dead, I want to die, I need to find a way to kill myself.
I was very self destructive, I enjoyed watching movies with brutal death scenes and imagined how my head would get smashed or something, and it was pure pleasure.

I knew the ideal suicide that looks like an accident and doesn't hurt loved ones that much is almost impossible to acheave, even though absolutely no one new how I felt. And I also didn't have the guts. That's why I was trying to push myself to the point where I wouldn't give a shit who I hurt, or to convince myself no one would miss me anyway. Maybe then I could do it.
I got an idea here on a site before it was deleted. I could easily get certain substance, but I couldn't find anywhere on the net what the lethal dose is. But I didn't really try hard either, it was in case I get there.

My final achievement was praying to the universe to make me fucking die already, and I was also willing to suffer for a while, just that I'd know I'll be free soon. In a few days I got really sick, and if I lived alone at the time I don't think I'd go to a hospital and I'd be dead now. But then I had no choice but to let doctors fix me while I was crying because I wasn't in the place of a roomie with cancer.

I called myself semi suicidal:p
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#26
Not suicidal, as I said but instead wishing I could die a year from now. Well, in a few days it will be the end of the year. So once I cross over into 2019, it means I'll have to live for one more year. Most depressed people work at surviving one day at a time. Some even for one hour at a time. So my time period of one year must be an improvement then. What time periods do you others have?
90 from natural causes. although I have thoughts 2 or 3 times a week, not serious, and sometimes I have to fight hard I know i'll make my timeline of 90 because of the support I get from family and SF. but you're right I sometimes put it into hours until I win.
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#27
90 from natural causes. although I have thoughts 2 or 3 times a week, not serious, and sometimes I have to fight hard I know i'll make my timeline of 90 because of the support I get from family and SF. but you're right I sometimes put it into hours until I win.
By golly, Mike, your survival-target of 90 really surprises me. Much as I hate to say it, I don't want to live that old. But at the same time, I still want to live for one more year. As you know, I take it one year at a time. So I'm not suicidal. Because if you look at the Burns depression checklist that evaluates emotions, the questionnaire lists suicidal and contemplation of death as two separate questions.
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#28
I think there is a big difference, but the line in between is very thin.

I went through all possible stages. First it was a 'please don't wake up' thought before I fell asleep, then I don't want to exist, I want to disappear with every trace of my existence, I want to be dead, I want to die, I need to find a way to kill myself.
I was very self destructive, I enjoyed watching movies with brutal death scenes and imagined how my head would get smashed or something, and it was pure pleasure.

I knew the ideal suicide that looks like an accident and doesn't hurt loved ones that much is almost impossible to acheave, even though absolutely no one new how I felt. And I also didn't have the guts. That's why I was trying to push myself to the point where I wouldn't give a shit who I hurt, or to convince myself no one would miss me anyway. Maybe then I could do it.
I got an idea here on a site before it was deleted. I could easily get certain substance, but I couldn't find anywhere on the net what the lethal dose is. But I didn't really try hard either, it was in case I get there.

My final achievement was praying to the universe to make me fucking die already, and I was also willing to suffer for a while, just that I'd know I'll be free soon. In a few days I got really sick, and if I lived alone at the time I don't think I'd go to a hospital and I'd be dead now. But then I had no choice but to let doctors fix me while I was crying because I wasn't in the place of a roomie with cancer.

I called myself semi suicidal:p
The same as you, I used to pray to God to off me, to take me home. But that never happened. So I no longer do that prayer. After all, doing that prayer would only worsen my frustration. Sometimes Christianity helps such as when I was laid up in a hospital for a severe intestinal disease. So Christianity helps when I have a medical problem but it still does Not help me with my emotional states. To deal with my emotions, I had to go to Buddhism whose meditational techniques enabled me to control my emotions. So I practice both religions which to many people are incongruous and even at odds with each other. But they help me so why not?
Incidentally, you said you prayed not to God but instead to the Universe. Are you an atheist? Sometimes I wonder why a compassionate God would allow so much suffering. But it's counterproductive to think on that as it won't solve my problems. Instead I focus on keeping my emotions in line which, as I said, I do with the meditational techniques.
 

Inya

babaya gayolera
#29
I think whatever religion or more of them you practice and find it helpful in some way, is nothing but a positive thing. It's your own believe and what other people think about it shouldn't matter at all.

Yes, I'm an atheist. Maybe praying to the universe isn't really a right expression. I didn't believe the universe can off me or send me an incurable illness. It was an ultimate despair, a wish that might come true if I wished hard enough or something, I don't even know how to explain.

Here's the funny thing. I got really sick, two different antibiotics didn't work, the fever didn't drop. I actually did suffer for three weeks and almost suffocated twice before I ended up in a hospital.
They fixed me but never found out what caused my condition and they did zillion tests on me.

It makes me wonder, not about my wish came true, but about the power of auto suggestion.
 

Mayarian

Well-Known Member
#30
I can relate on that, but for several times I occasionally slip on X-ray rooms to help my friends and on purpose let the x-ray hit on me again and again(although that was stupid and useless way) so maybe Im on a suicidal side a lil bit?
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#31
I can relate on that, but for several times I occasionally slip on X-ray rooms to help my friends and on purpose let the x-ray hit on me again and again(although that was stupid and useless way) so maybe Im on a suicidal side a lil bit?
Jeez, Mayarian, you got me worried. Because your deliberate exposure to Xrays can definitely harm you. It can be as bad as Cutting. Hopefully you will refrain from that kind of exposure again. Maybe you should post in the self-harm section as your X-ray experience is definitely symptomatic.
 

Mayarian

Well-Known Member
#32
Jeez, Mayarian, you got me worried. Because your deliberate exposure to Xrays can definitely harm you. It can be as bad as Cutting. Hopefully you will refrain from that kind of exposure again. Maybe you should post in the self-harm section as your X-ray experience is definitely symptomatic.
I dont do that anymore since my schedule got more and more busy so there's no time to slip again. I always do that everytime my friends asked me to help but now even if I helped I just run before the x-ray bcs I need to be mind my own bussiness no time to wait the x-ray countdown
I did post 1-2 thread abt it.
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#33
I think whatever religion or more of them you practice and find it helpful in some way, is nothing but a positive thing. It's your own believe and what other people think about it shouldn't matter at all.

Yes, I'm an atheist. Maybe praying to the universe isn't really a right expression. I didn't believe the universe can off me or send me an incurable illness. It was an ultimate despair, a wish that might come true if I wished hard enough or something, I don't even know how to explain.

Here's the funny thing. I got really sick, two different antibiotics didn't work, the fever didn't drop. I actually did suffer for three weeks and almost suffocated twice before I ended up in a hospital.
They fixed me but never found out what caused my condition and they did zillion tests on me.

It makes me wonder, not about my wish came true, but about the power of auto suggestion.
When you said you believe in the Universe instead of God, I think another way of looking at the Universe is-- to let the Universe decide for you. That whatever you are experiencing currently is what the Universe has meant for you to experience at this stage of your life. Our stages in life are our stages of development. And if the current experience is especially painful, then it calls for Stoicism, that is, the ability to tolerate. In my case, a newly-acquired blessing suddenly happened to me and which enables me to tolerate my woes.
 
#34
I often have the same thought. I am not suicidal, but I do hope that I could die earlier. And if my doctor tells me that I have a terminal illness and could live only a few months, I may feel excited. The only thing that I concern is my parents since I am still young. When I am getting old, it may be a different story.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
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#35
I often have the same thought. I am not suicidal, but I do hope that I could die earlier. And if my doctor tells me that I have a terminal illness and could live only a few months, I may feel excited. The only thing that I concern is my parents since I am still young. When I am getting old, it may be a different story.
actually if your told that you have a terminal illness it's still death and you always should try alternatives to extend your life if possible and bearable. I can tell you when family thinks you're going to die even by natural causes, it will destroy them for a long time, I know from experience. you shouldn't have to suffer in pain either physical/emotional so you have to keep trying to get better. I know it's hard work but well worth it. mike *hug
 
#36
actually if your told that you have a terminal illness it's still death and you always should try alternatives to extend your life if possible and bearable. I can tell you when family thinks you're going to die even by natural causes, it will destroy them for a long time, I know from experience. you shouldn't have to suffer in pain either physical/emotional so you have to keep trying to get better. I know it's hard work but well worth it. mike *hug
No, I do not have a terminal illness. Just like the author, I hope that I have it. I suffer from the major depressive disorder, and sometimes I have the feeling that it is better to die earlier. But instead of suicide, I want to die naturally, like terminal illness. In fact, if I really have a terminal illness, I will stop all the treatment so that I could pass away as early as possible. I have taken the medication for my mental illness for some time, but I still have this kind of thoughts.
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#37
If someone were to ask me if I feel happy, I would say no. But if they asked me if I feel sad, I would say no too. So how can both answers be no? Is it contradictory? No, not really.

How then do I feel? The answer is that I feel gratitude. Gratitude for what I already have. And that's enough to make me want to stay alive. It's enough.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#38
If someone were to ask me if I feel happy, I would say no. But if they asked me if I feel sad, I would say no too. So how can both answers be no? Is it contradictory? No, not really.

How then do I feel? The answer is that I feel gratitude. Gratitude for what I already have. And that's enough to make me want to stay alive. It's enough.
that was plain simple and well said I think it's a healthy attitude and I hope you can continue with it. well done. mike *hug
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#39
Thanks, Mike. The point is that most of us here are prone to Relapses. I just had one yesterday but I catch myself and bounce back before it snowballs. I know that if the relapse lasts until 3 days, then I'm in the danger zone so I have to stop it within one day or two at the most.
 

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