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Differences in Opinion In Raising Our Daughter

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Godsdrummer, Aug 12, 2009.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest


    Well my daughter is 16. She was diagnosed many years ago with ADD. She was on meds for it, but she never ate. I mean to the point that it started to stunt her growth. She has outgrown a lot of that, and she is now a healthy happy 16yr old.

    During the time of seperation, I had developed a very trusting relationship with my daughter. I let her cuss, we joke around alot..as I wanted her to feel that while I messed up a lot of things in life, I would never mess up with being her Father.

    Earlier on in her childhood we had to live for awhile with my wife's mom. Now this woman (my daughter's grandmother) always treated her like crap. Never EVER missed a chance to dump on her.

    My wife swore she would NEVER treat a child that way, especially her own daughter.

    And to her credit, my Wife has really hasnt been favoring one child over the other.

    But there is a huge difference between the 2 kids. My 11 yr old son is very intelligent for his age. Straight A honor roll kid, takes on massive responsibilites on his own. My daughter is a typical teenager.

    But my daughter would complain to me that her brother is the golden child and would get whatever he wants.

    I witnessed this last night to some extent. Now mind you, the wife and kids have only been living in the new house for like a week and a half.
    Things are still a bit cluttered.

    Wife went nuclear last night on my daughter. Complaining of the mess in the house. It wasnt garbage that was scattered around, rather it was stuff. DVD's and things like that.

    And then, my wife betrayed my confidence when I gave her a headsup on what my daughter was thinking about the perception of how she is being treated.

    My wife stated that I need to be careful as my daughter is playing me.

    Now I don't know if that is true or not.

    What I do know is my child has have a rough go of it for a long time..and I am trying to establish a sense of loving trust with her.

    I didnt fight over this with my wife last night.

    But I do feel that while my wife's intent is noble (trying to teach her responsibility etc) which is what I want too, I worry that we are going at it differently.
  2. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    Every child needs a fun, loving parent and a disciplinarian. There is no reason why the two roles cannot be fulfilled by two different people. Just support your wife in her “noble intentions” whilst still giving your daughter the love and attention that she claims is missing.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The main thing is you did what was right you were open with your wife letting her know daughters feelings. Its hard but somehow as parents there has to be a united front working together that way child knows she can't play one parent on the other. You can still be the fun loving parent giving her attention she needs right now as well. You are a great parent for seeing her needs and being concerned.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am going through the same thing right now. My 13 year old was diagnosed ADHD while he was still living with me. He also has epilepsy. So his attention span due to both can be none existing at times. Between me and the school we had things pretty much under control, without the use of meds for the ADHD. Two years ago he went to live with his Dad as well as my now 16 year old daughter. My 18 year old and the 4 year old ( from a different relationship) stayed with me. Until recently, the ex and I held a pretty united front when it came to the kids. But now he is favoring the 13 yr old and making the 16 year old miserable. And I've seen it for myself. He has reversed the roles. Before she was his princess and could do nothing wrong, the other could never do anything right. And he is making the kids resent one another because of it. He also started not letting me know big changes or decisions. He just one day went to the doc and put my son on meds. Even the doc said they werent really necessary but my ex insisted on them. Now the children are quite confused about his role in this family structure we have. Now that they are in their teens, they all seem quite comfortable in coming to me with their problems and questions, but not Dad. It isnt them playing one another (which they are true experts at lol). But rather they learned threw they're own eyes who they could be comfortable with. So yes as important as it is to hold a united front, you're children need to be able to feel equal compared to their siblings and know that when it's needed that atleast one parent can be turned to. I can imagine how difficult it may be or feel for the ex the children seeing me as the comforting fun parent. He has to deal with their tirades and bad days just as I do. But in the end it always has to be what is best for the children and not let things affect us personally. Bill you are never ever going to be completely in tune with one another when it comes to the kids. The children themselves have a big role to play in that. But keep the lines of communication open between your wife and yourself. And even more importantly let the kids know that the same is true for them. If they see that both of you are working towards what is best for them, then in the end no one loses. Wow sorry what a rant this turned into!Good luck.

    Oh and Grecian Formula is the cheapeast at Walmart's and so is the Clairol for you wife!!!!!
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I ain't that old! lol
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well all I know is that between the kids and the ex my hair is greyer and older than it should be. So I have to dye the patches that are left (after I pull it out from the frustration) to keep my youthful appearance intact! You'll see... oh one day my friend, you'll see. Enjoy it while you have it (lmao)!!!
  7. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Ok fine...I am getting a little gray starting to show around my temples and my stash and goatee get a little salt and pepper look. lol

    Oh..and I am getting a bald spot towards the back upper half of my head.

    Look out ladies, here I come!
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Yep...It is settling in. Won't be long now. First patches, then salt and pepper everywhere, and the :eek:hmy: all grey. We must all thank our children for their way to get us a free dye job :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2009
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Bill your daughter is always going to try and manipulate you because you are the easy going parent.. Hell my daughter still trys with me and she is 28 now.. My 8 year old grandaughter is very good at it.. But I learned from my daughter how to handle it.. When my grandaughter lies to me she looses her computer privildges for a week.. That really pisses her off.. I agree your need to communicate with your ex to know what is going on..You sound like a very good father..
  10. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Good news is that she isnt my ex anymore!
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