Different feeling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Biggsy, Jan 13, 2015.

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  1. Biggsy

    Biggsy New Member

    I don't really know why I'm inclined to post this. I think I just need a place to vent. Part of my problem is that I have a tendency to isolate myself. Even though I have people in my life that I call friends, I tend to push them away when things are bad, often times alienating them permanently. Throughout my life, I have struggled off and on with depression. It started in my adolescence, and has come and gone over the years. I have thought about ending my life many times, mostly when I was extremely depressed and didn't feel like I had anyone I could talk to. It is an all consuming feeling of being completely alone that's hard to describe. Obviously I am still here, so it never happened. I'm sure that many people here have felt this way at one time or another.

    However, I recently had an experience that was very different. It was a terrible feeling, and as tough as I am on the outside, it really scared me. For the last few months, I haven't been feeling the greatest. I've been down, and very snappy with people, and just generally not myself. It happened one night when I was holed up in my home office with the door closed. I had a moment of lucidity, where I realized that I was logged in to my life insurance, verifying that my beneficiaries were up to date, and I got this haunting feeling. It was the sense that something awful was afoot. It had snuck up on me entirely. I felt as though I was on a path that wasn't even consciously chosen. I just needed to share this, even if nobody is listening, to help to lighten the load a little.

    I'm not planning to end things. I just need someone I can talk to openly.
    Sometimes it feels like I'm going to explode if I can't get something out of my system
  2. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF. You will many caring and compassionate people here to listen who are dealing with the same issues that you are.

    Have you spoken to a therapist or counselor about how you're feeling. I find talking to my therapist openly helps me vent my depression but since coming to SF I have not seen her very much. We are not professionals just peer to peer support. At times I feel like you and I'm going to explode and that's when I call for help.

    Keep posting and letting us know more.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Biggsy sometimes depression does that sneaks up on us without notice. I do hope you talk to your doc about it ok No path is choses for us hun we and we alone chose our paths and we can change our path when needed as well sometimes on our own or with support of therapist or people we trust

    Good you are posting here you will see you are not so alone hugs
  4. Biggsy

    Biggsy New Member

    I have an appointment setup for tomorrow morning to speak with a therapist. I went to see a psychologist before the holidays and she says that she believes I have PTSD. I guess the whole thing sort of caught me off guard because the trauma in my life was a long time ago, and I really felt that I had moved on. I guess I just don't understand how something can reemerge years later and start turning things upside down. In fairness to the doctor, when she explained the whole thing to me, and identified the trigger, it did make complete sense to me - like something clicked and I understood what was happening.

    I just don't really want to revisit that part of my life.

    I will reserve judgment, and see how things go tomorrow, but right now I'm just not feeling like it will change anything to re-hash a bunch of very emotional crap from my adolescence.

    Maybe I am wrong, and just not in the right frame of mind.
  5. Biggsy

    Biggsy New Member

    Oh, and sorry for taking so long to respond. I've just been trying to think some things through.
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