Difficult, Just plain difficult

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inkspring, Feb 18, 2010.

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  1. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    I am so tired of trying to be semi-ok. I'm unhappy all the time but put on a face that at least I'm alive. In reality, I'm dead inside. I don't go out anymore. When I do, it's for a therapist appt. My husband drives me to Pdoc because I can't drive those confusing new connecting highways and it's an hour just one way.

    If I HAVE to go to a store, he comes with me meaning he drives. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't go at all. I never want to leave the house. I want to stay home and bury my head in my pillow--but I don't because I know I have to stay vertical as long as I can.

    BUT I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME. I don't like this kind of life and I want it to be over. I want it to be over but my husband put his pain meds in a strong box and hid the key. I came close to taking them before and he sent me to the psych hospital for help. My Pdoc told him that was the best way to do it.

    So now what. My mind says find another way. Some part of me says stick it out. But my symptom (bipolar depression) is not getting better. It's only been getting worse and worse for months.

    I talk to my Pdoc, he tweaks meds. I'm still dying inside. If I tell him, he will have me taken to the psych hospital.

    Any thoughts?
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    First of all, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. :hug:

    I think it takes a bit of time to find the right meds and the tweaking can go on for a while. I'm not sure how long you've been feeling so crummy, but I've heard that getting the meds right is a big help! So hold on and keep posting here. Let us take some of the weight while your pdoc tweaks meds.

    Thinking of you. :hug:
    A.
     
  3. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    Thanks Acy,
    I appreciate your kind words.

    I do need this place. The only problem is that when my husband saw me on her this past fall, he freaked out. He didn't want to see me here again. But it isn't good to keep things pent up either and to tell him what goes on in my mind all the time would wear him down. He needs to live his life without me being a burden.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is good this place i agree i don't like to burden my husband either He understands i need this place as it is safe here. I think when you have free time you need to come here to talk get thoughts out. I hope you husband can understand this at some point.
     
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :grouphug:
     
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