**I've kept a record of what I can recall and the following are a few I have decided to share. I wasn't 100% clear headed when I did most of the writing because altering my reality helps me stay put and avoid hurting anyone. I am not suicidal, this is not a rant. I have never found anyone else with similar issues so I really am putting myself out here. I feel like the following story is not anywhere near rare or uncommon. I refer to a "shadow" further on. That's a term I chose as an attempt to understand anything. I am not sure if that is a minds eye image or what. I wish I could describe what just a moment looks like. **Been looking for similar experiences/stories and thus far, no luck. I do not wish that anyone else to suffer through this, but I just felt alone. So, here goes. I apologize in advance if anyone is offended or the like. I just put some words on paper as part of the coping mechanisms that keep me grounded during such times. Also, I do not claim to know if these mechanisms are actually valid, but they are the only things I've found that helps. It is a cruel and wicked problem. I cannot think of a word for it because I have never found a word that conveys the sheer horrific emotional pain that this issue causes. I have not been able to uncover very much about what this issue may be, however, I will be the first to tell you that the "shadow" cares nothing for anything. It just wants to hurt for pleasure. I can't stop it. I've tried. It's like becoming detached from reality while your body continues to function. I tried tonight. I have done more than one "activity" in a desperate attempt to numb the mind or body in time to stop it. I type this because while I am using my mind to put together coherent thoughts despite the creeping numbness I can already sense coming, it cannot hurt anyone. It knows what I am doing and fights back. I sometimes wonder which is worse; What it does to others or the emotional agony of fighting it to regain the upper hand. **I realize that this experience may be shocking to some and others may be downright offended. Take solace in the fact that this was not written for that purpose. I posted this here because of a few reasons with the main one being that I wanted to organize my thoughts before pursuing professional care. I am still sifting through all of this and I felt that I could be around kind people while I do it. The words before you are the best attempt to explain a horrible person. I have no clear idea what triggers it. It ranges from a few seconds to much longer. I don't want to get into details but I feel like each lapse is limited by where I am and who I am around. **I share it in hopes that anyone else out there may have similar experiences.