Difficult to post, likely difficult to read.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by StayAway, Oct 7, 2014.

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  1. StayAway

    StayAway New Member

    **I've kept a record of what I can recall and the following are a few I have decided to share. I wasn't 100% clear headed when I did most of the writing because altering my reality helps me stay put and avoid hurting anyone. I am not suicidal, this is not a rant. I have never found anyone else with similar issues so I really am putting myself out here. I feel like the following story is not anywhere near rare or uncommon. I refer to a "shadow" further on. That's a term I chose as an attempt to understand anything. I am not sure if that is a minds eye image or what. I wish I could describe what just a moment looks like.

    **Been looking for similar experiences/stories and thus far, no luck. I do not wish that anyone else to suffer through this, but I just felt alone. So, here goes. I apologize in advance if anyone is offended or the like. I just put some words on paper as part of the coping mechanisms that keep me grounded during such times. Also, I do not claim to know if these mechanisms are actually valid, but they are the only things I've found that helps.

    It is a cruel and wicked problem. I cannot think of a word for it because I have never found a word that conveys the sheer horrific emotional pain that this issue causes.

    I have not been able to uncover very much about what this issue may be, however, I will be the first to tell you that the "shadow" cares nothing for anything. It just wants to hurt for pleasure. I can't stop it. I've tried. It's like becoming detached from reality while your body continues to function.

    I tried tonight. I have done more than one "activity" in a desperate attempt to numb the mind or body in time to stop it. I type this because while I am using my mind to put together coherent thoughts despite the creeping numbness I can already sense coming, it cannot hurt anyone. It knows what I am doing and fights back. I sometimes wonder which is worse; What it does to others or the emotional agony of fighting it to regain the upper hand.

    **I realize that this experience may be shocking to some and others may be downright offended. Take solace in the fact that this was not written for that purpose. I posted this here because of a few reasons with the main one being that I wanted to organize my thoughts before pursuing professional care. I am still sifting through all of this and I felt that I could be around kind people while I do it. The words before you are the best attempt to explain a horrible person. I have no clear idea what triggers it. It ranges from a few seconds to much longer. I don't want to get into details but I feel like each lapse is limited by where I am and who I am around.

    **I share it in hopes that anyone else out there may have similar experiences.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. I cannot imagine anyone being offended or shocked by what you write. It is your authentic experience. And it tourments you. So I am glad you were able to write about it here. I am so glad to hear that you are going to be persuing professional care. I want to answer one other thing you said. I disagree with you. you are NOT "a horrible person". Although I do understand that what is happening to you must feel horrible. Please know that you are not what is happening to you. What is happening to you is not who you are. You are you. It is it. I know that. and I hope that you can hear my words.

    There are explinations for what goes on with people who have stuff like this happen. And if they knew the deepest truth then they would honestly not feel bad about themselves. Thats my feeling. I think you are VERY wise to seek professional care. You deserve better than to be trying to handle this alone. Please feel free to keep writing. okay?
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