I am coming to realize that death takes time, just as life does. Thinking about death does not necessarily make it closer to happening. I need to be proactive in seeking death, because otherwise it will not happen and my life will continue as is, gradually spiraling into the type of devastation I didn't know was ever possible. The events in lie don't matter to me. Nothing has any meaning, really. I might as well be in a video game or a pigment of light, because I my life has no purpose and I am not in control of my own thoughts. I do not mean anything to anyone outside of here or stepchatbp. Ultimately, life seems like a joke. And I want this joke to end.