Difficult

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by NoOneKnows, Jan 15, 2008.

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  1. NoOneKnows

    NoOneKnows Member

    Well I am fairly new here and I need to talk to people that will iunderstand me and not look at me like I am crazy.

    I am 21 years old and I started self harming more frequently at the age of 18. It's my way of dealing with the pain. I had self harming tendencies at a very young age. Some reasons were, that my father died when i was 7 and i use to get "picked on" constantly since elementary school. My life has always seemed to be in shambles. It's like no matter what I do it seems like God is saying f*** you this is your life now deal with it.

    I hate when my mom or other people tell me to just snap out of it,or that i don't trust God enough and that is why i am like this. Its a load of crap to me. I don't think anyone says " hey give me a messed up life so i can feel like crap and never be happy." I have so many medical problems its pathetic. Lets see i have myofascial pain syndrome, plantar faciitis in both feet, an annular tear in my lower back, chronice hip and shoulder pain and both my knees are misaligned. Then i have major depression and insomnia, with chronic headaches. All this is too much. And then i feel ungrateful because i know there are people out there who are dealing with much worse.

    My mom is mad because i am bisexual. I have a girlfriend of 4 years and she is the best. She is the only person i can seriously talk to that won't put me down. My mom says that if i don't change then i am going straight to hell. And she seems to think my father is in hell too because everytime i say that the only thing keeping me going is him being in a better place. She turns around and say " well you better hope he is. I don't think so.

    On top of all of this my grandma just died 4 months ago and i can't feel anything. I am mad at myself because we didn't have a great relationship and i was mad at her before she died. I went to see her the night before she died though. And she was sooo happy to see me. We found out she had cancer that week and that same week she died. I hate life. I want to die but i am scared fo what happens after. I have made some attempts but obviously i am still on this crudy earth. Well thats me venting. I want to cut but the scars irritate me and they are soo ugly.
     
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    well, first of all welcome. i see that you are in a lot of pain and let me tell you that suicide isn`t the answer, because afterwards there`s nothing left, neither for you or for those who stay here. i don`t know if i`m the best person to give you any advice about SI, because i`ve been doing it since 5 years ago, and it has become part of my life, like having breakfast. Ugliness is a way to see the world, no one can judge if you are or no ugly, no one even you. Bisexual pff, i am too and i don`t let anyone to play with my heart and my feelings anymore. you can be all the sick you want but if you are here is just because you want help, to keep going on, to stop SI. And i wish you honestly very much luck. Your mother should be proud of having someone so strong to keep living after all you`re going trough.and wth if she doesn`t eve know, you should be proud of who you are, not dissapointed of who you aren`t.
    you`ll see you`ll find a lot of charming and caring people here. i hope to see ya around!!
     
  3. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the site and im sorry to hear about the recent loss of your grandmother.
    I sometimes think to many losses in life lead us to think we are not feeling saddness or grief, but in reality we are hun its just so deep rooted we cant always see it , but it will come to the surface in your own time, with regard to your sexuality as a mother myself my one wish is that my children grow up to be happy if they were to be confused about their sexuality i would want to support them as it can ruin a persons life if they stay in the closet so to speak, what is better having a child wanting to die becouse of confusion or having a healthy happy child in a same sex relationship, i know my answer i hope your mother is able to accept you and your partner for what you are 2 people that care for each other. living in constant pain can drag you down into despair so it no wonder you are suffering from depression hun you have a lot of things to be dealing with at the moment.
    happy to talk with you anytime please take care *Hug
     
  4. NoOneKnows

    NoOneKnows Member

    I just wanted to take the time to say thank you for your support. The only thing that i am happy about is the fact that i have someone who loves me for all my imperfections. It's nice to have someone comment and not ignore me, so thank you VERY much!
     
  5. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    Hey... i cant imagine how you feel, but i know its hard....
    Its seems simmilar than my mothers story... she lost 4 people which she loved in past 2,5 years...
    Dont listen your mother.... Its your choice that you are bisexual, be proud of it! It made me sick that your mother talk so bad bout your dad... I dont beleive that anyone go to hell (ironically, i have fobia of hell)
    Just stay strong... you can make it... Its hard to lose someone, but you are strong enough... beleive in yourself... Its hard if someone always "put you down", but try...

    Good luck, you are defenetly not alone :hug:
     
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