Well I am fairly new here and I need to talk to people that will iunderstand me and not look at me like I am crazy. I am 21 years old and I started self harming more frequently at the age of 18. It's my way of dealing with the pain. I had self harming tendencies at a very young age. Some reasons were, that my father died when i was 7 and i use to get "picked on" constantly since elementary school. My life has always seemed to be in shambles. It's like no matter what I do it seems like God is saying f*** you this is your life now deal with it. I hate when my mom or other people tell me to just snap out of it,or that i don't trust God enough and that is why i am like this. Its a load of crap to me. I don't think anyone says " hey give me a messed up life so i can feel like crap and never be happy." I have so many medical problems its pathetic. Lets see i have myofascial pain syndrome, plantar faciitis in both feet, an annular tear in my lower back, chronice hip and shoulder pain and both my knees are misaligned. Then i have major depression and insomnia, with chronic headaches. All this is too much. And then i feel ungrateful because i know there are people out there who are dealing with much worse. My mom is mad because i am bisexual. I have a girlfriend of 4 years and she is the best. She is the only person i can seriously talk to that won't put me down. My mom says that if i don't change then i am going straight to hell. And she seems to think my father is in hell too because everytime i say that the only thing keeping me going is him being in a better place. She turns around and say " well you better hope he is. I don't think so. On top of all of this my grandma just died 4 months ago and i can't feel anything. I am mad at myself because we didn't have a great relationship and i was mad at her before she died. I went to see her the night before she died though. And she was sooo happy to see me. We found out she had cancer that week and that same week she died. I hate life. I want to die but i am scared fo what happens after. I have made some attempts but obviously i am still on this crudy earth. Well thats me venting. I want to cut but the scars irritate me and they are soo ugly.