Difficulty and Suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Makou, Jul 24, 2008.

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  1. Makou

    Makou New Member

    Lately, I've been contemplating suicide. Before, the mere mention would have set the tea kettle blowing (and religious horses riding; that's another topic though), but the idea never really left me. In fact, I think I've always held some weird affinity towards self-affliction and suicide. I guess... it was a way to prove I was alive, as odd as that sounds. Life back then really was a lie, and it was reinforced with this year. In the order of things:

    Parents divorced.

    Step dad harassed my mother.

    Step dad harassed me.

    Mother didn't follow up with her promise to be responsible-- to be a mother.

    Mother is lying to my step dad that she loves him to cope with loneliness.

    I left the house.

    Currently, I'm staying with my real father, but I'm not sure how long this solution (if it's a solution) will last.

    Um, to put things in retrospect, I guess I will put an entry on here from my journal. I... want some people to know. To help, although none of you are friends, I... I don't want to be alone.

    Caution: There is some language.

    " I can't say it's showing any signs of disappearing. This unreasonable hatred for my parents, my family, even my dearest friends. Everything that once made life worth living is cast in some dark shadow. Their happiness is my sadness, but... when did it become this way? Have I so fallen from my former self that I've become... this...empty?

    Not even my imagination can save me now. Used to use it to escape in some form or fashion: books, movies, my own writing. Fuck. What a joke. My writing? It's deteriorated to the point where I don't even know what I'm spelling half the time.

    I don't even know what to write. It's not like I gain any relief from writing in here; just want to organize my thoughts, and find out why I want to kill myself. I think I already know why I've been doing things the way I have though.

    There's some split logic here and truth be told, I'm still trying to reason out my emotions.

    I want to be alone--away from these hypocrites that call themselves friends and family, bearing false flags and smiles.

    I think what I really want is for someone to care. To actually be concerned when I talk about my problems. When... I give these signs of suicide, I want to be convinced that I was wrong. People can love. People can care. But... none of this has happened yet, and with time, I will only sink further away into this delusion.

    I can't take it anymore. The fact that no one seems to give a shit about me has made me adopt a pessimistic world view. I've been trying to bury this in the back of my mind: the fact that this lie I've been living puts me below... my friends. I can't deny it. I hate the fact that I feel so belittled whenever I talk to them about my problems. I lose sight of my own worth.

    I'm trying my hardest to bottle these things in. It... just seems like I'm whining now, even though these problems are severe. But if talking about my problems alienate me, then... aren't I in some catch 22? I can't expect people to be psychic and to know that something's wrong, but at the same time, if they are my friend, shouldn't they at least ask? Notice a change in my attitude? Give a fuck about my problems and to treat it as their own? Isn't that what friends are for?... Or do I deserve this? Was I never a good enough friends to others?... Do I deserve to feel this loneliness, this crushing sense of despair because... I simply never lived up to what I believed in?

    So then... is suicide... going... to make anyone even...care?

    Please... someone help me. I know my options are limited, since I've turned my back on my family, but please... tell me that somebody cares. That my life has some meaning.

    Never before have I contemplated death this much.

    Never before have I so wanted to die. "
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are feeling so low...your life has a lot of meaning, and you are worthy no matter how you are treated...I am sure there are things you do that are special...those are the traits that you should hold near to your heart...and no, suicide is NOT a way to see if ppl care... instead, form relationships outside of your family that are trusting and caring...wishing you all the best, J
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You know you said you are trying to bottle these thoughts up and put them in the back of your mind. That is not the way, all that will happen is it will eat away at you. You need to get these thoughts out in the open and address them. Then kick them to the curb because you don't need them. You don't have to try to conquer them all at once. You can take them out one at a time so they will be more controllable.
    You also said you don't have any friends here at the forum. That also can be changed. In time you will see just how kind and considerate we are. We only want what is best for you. So we will listen with an open mind. Please Take Care!!!:chopper:
  4. tyciol

    tyciol Member

    Suicide is a pretty serious type of thing, it is kind of hard to forget the idea once you've been exposed to it and reacted to it and stuff. Anyway, I can sort of understand how it feels to want to do strange stuff to prove independant will (because I think in a lot of cases that's what people mean by 'feeling alive', they want to feel independant and unfettered).

    I think it's part of the process of getting through disliking doing what other people tell you. We want to rebel and be independant, in some cases even to the point of being destructive just to prove our independance.

    It's better if you can avoid following that kind of path to the extreme of suicide though. There are all sorts of impermanent (and actually, more difficult) ways of deviating than suicide. While some things sheeple want are silly, the aversion to suicide is a pretty logical one, so it's good to look into the logical reasons behind the majority's general conclusions here.

    Basically, it's a void and it's pointless, there's not really 'rest' like a lot of people think, because you need to exist to enjoy rest, and you need strife for it to be compared to to give it its place. That's why I wouldn't want it, even if life's too tough to rest at present one thing you can never really have taken away is hope if you really like to hope and stuff.
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