Dignity

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Sparky55313, Jan 2, 2010.

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  1. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    I found myself in crisis last night. Nobody to turn to and I just couldn't get myself out of my chair. I couldn't even bring myself to go to the fridge for beers.
    I watched vids of ww1 history. Watching how brave those men were! Knowing they would meet certain death scared me. Then I wonder if they were just all suicidal as I am?
    I came to realize I don't want death but don't know what I am looking for.
    I don't want to be here and I keep thinking of plans for suicide.
    I am on such a cocktail of meds and therapy and I don't think its at all working.
    I am honest with my therapist and keep excpecting the guys with the nets to show up at my door anytime now. But they never show.
    I've scared off the one friend I thought I could trust with my issues and now feel so violated. She told me to buy a gun...its quicker.
    Tonight I find the energy to be online and am fighting the tempations of sure death. I have the plan and surely have the motive.
    What I lack is the will.
    Sound crazy? I want to live. For what reasons I don't know. Reasons for death I don't know. Those feelings run rampant in my blood.
    I just wish to die with dignity. When I have my plans I don't eat for several days. Then I wonder how my body will be handled. I wonder if when I am found if I will stink and be a bothersome.
    I am fighting for the will of life!
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad to see you fight and keep fighting for you. If your therapist isn't listening to your cries for help then call crisis line talk with someone there they will listen. Call hospital or emergency line and admit yourself volunteerly until your cocktail of medication do get regulated and start working. You deserve help You deserve to be happy so continue to fight okay Good for you posting here too as letting the pain out in writing does help as well. keep venting keep posting.
     
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I don't think any of us want death but rather an end to the pain and since we feel all the other options are useless or hopeless we turn to suicide... I for one would love a life of joy vs. suicide..I understand exactly what you are saying..and glad you have hope
     
  4. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Bambi. Very nice words of encouragement.
     
  5. spyke

    spyke Well-Known Member

    it alway's saddens me to hear of people who say things like your "friend" said

    if i was around you when it happened i would with all certainty beat the living hell outta her regardless of the consequences cos people like that make me sick they're the ones that should be dead

    sorry for being so blunt about that but no one deserves that grr

    first up

    stop thinking about others

    focus on yourself

    not on death you don't truly want that you just want to belong and feel like you deserve to live

    you do of course but you don't FEEL it but i again assure you that you do

    those men in WW1 gave their lives for an ideal and freedom but also many of them didn't actually have a choice if they didn't fight they were shot as traitors and deserters there's little or no romance about war it's just a horrible thing based on the greed of a few with little goals in mind other than the expansion of ones power base and political motivations or even more sickeningly religious

    also many were only but teenagers as well who died senselessly for a cause they didn't even believe in and instead had no choice they were drafted involuntarily and died for their country true they died hero's but senselessly due to the actions of tyrants like adolf hitler

    remember them proudly as they died hero's fighting for freedom of the world but also remember they didn't ask for it it was forced upon them sadly

    but courage is universal in all it's forms just by still hanging on you're just as courageous as those men who gave their lives no more and no less be strong my friend you can survive
     
  6. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the words Spyke!
    I have now calmed own and settling in for a semi peaceful sleep.
    How I wish drugs were involved!....lol
    Note; Over half the men involved with ww1 were all volunteers.
     
  7. spyke

    spyke Well-Known Member

    good.... sleep will help to give your stressed mind a break and much needed rest

    and any time sparky if i can help even ONE person here then nothing has been in vain i can't make the world better or cure you with a wave of my hand but anything and everything i can do for anyone here i will do even if it's just a helping hand (verbally) or support spiritually remember we're all in a war as life Is war we're all in the trenches and in that regard in order to reach the end alive we need to stick together and when one falls we all need to help pick you up and carry you to the end if necessary and the more people supporting the lighter you are

    we're all here for you i guarantee it.
     
  8. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    Im ok for tonight. I just needed to vent.
     
  9. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    thats an interesting point, but i doubt if they knew for sure that they were going to die.
     
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