I found myself in crisis last night. Nobody to turn to and I just couldn't get myself out of my chair. I couldn't even bring myself to go to the fridge for beers. I watched vids of ww1 history. Watching how brave those men were! Knowing they would meet certain death scared me. Then I wonder if they were just all suicidal as I am? I came to realize I don't want death but don't know what I am looking for. I don't want to be here and I keep thinking of plans for suicide. I am on such a cocktail of meds and therapy and I don't think its at all working. I am honest with my therapist and keep excpecting the guys with the nets to show up at my door anytime now. But they never show. I've scared off the one friend I thought I could trust with my issues and now feel so violated. She told me to buy a gun...its quicker. Tonight I find the energy to be online and am fighting the tempations of sure death. I have the plan and surely have the motive. What I lack is the will. Sound crazy? I want to live. For what reasons I don't know. Reasons for death I don't know. Those feelings run rampant in my blood. I just wish to die with dignity. When I have my plans I don't eat for several days. Then I wonder how my body will be handled. I wonder if when I am found if I will stink and be a bothersome. I am fighting for the will of life!