I want to crack my head open against a wall, and let the blood run down my body, and gradually die, and decay here...without anyone noticing, just crumbling ...alone. I'm missing class again right now. I'm probably not ever going back. I should have taken a semester off...now I ruined everything, I ruined my entire future. No one will fucking hire me either...I'm screwed. and this place...this place, no one cares about me. No one ever truly cares about me. I feel guilty and befuddled every moment...I stuff myself with food so I can't feel the emptiness. I watch movies so I can't see the pathetic perpetual stream of parasitic thoughts roiling in my brain. So what will I do? Just sit here in my dorm like a zombie until I can go home for christmas? NO ONE FUCKING GIVES A DAMN. My mom won't even really talk to me on the phone anymore, it depresses her...and I don't blame her. And god, I feel like I have two hearts cradled in each hand, and I want to squeeze one dry, and send the other to the deepest darkest moistest depths of the earth so I can't touch it..so I can't harm it. I know you don't understand. No one will ever understand. I loathe myself.....I had a dream last night..I was cutting myself, over and over again, all along my legs...that was the whole dream..It felt like it lasted hours, it felt real... I don't even si. But I fantasize about carving away all the bits of myself I hate, until I'm nothing but little strips of flesh on a gleaming hardwood floor, laid out nice and clean...nice and clean...meanwhile, everything I touch is dirty and repugnant. everything I touch is waiting to be a corpse, everything I touch already is. But I don't want to die here, at this moment...I just want something in life to finally work for me...finally. I just want a job, I want to go home...I want my old therapist. I want a friend. I want someone to love me...someone who I'm not so afraid will reject me when they finally see me (dear lord, I'm sorry, the fear is searing). Any of those things...even just one, can save me, I know it. I just want to start over... just begin again..begin again. I am so numb and exhausted...I can't even cry anymore. I can't endure this anguish. Please...please, I want to leave...I want a new life. A new face.