Am in a bit of a pressing situation right now and thought I'd at least let someone know, I'm not talking about this with anybody I know in real life since I figure it would put a great strain on them. The thing is, my life at the moment looks far from rosy. I've had suicidal thoughts and plans since I was about 12 (so that's 15 years by now), and the past few months since about march have been an increasingly bad time again. It feels very much like not killing myself is a temporary solution to a permanent problem.
Now the fun part: Tomorrow I'll start on a solo-hike through the alps for two weeks. This is pretty much the perfect opportunity to kill myself in a way that looks like an accident to everybody who cares for me. In the past months I've been fantasizing about all the ways I could kill myself on such a tour through the mountains; also, I took special care to not make my condition known to anybody around me, apart from appearing a bit grumpy at times when I couldn't help it maybe. Well, I'm usually grumpy even when I'm not (that) suicidal, so I don't think anybody took notice at all, I was acting fairly normal I suppose. Yesterday, though, I've had a rather alarming dream about an alpine suicide attempt in which I, while already in the middle of it all, decided that I wanted to live. The feeling of fear was rather intense, and I woke up from that feeling rather worried and confused. So, maybe I shouldn't go for the trip at all - this on the other hand would feel VERY upsetting to me as soon as I'd have to face all the people back home whom I have told about my trip and how much I was looking forward to it. Admitting to them that I've stopped because I was feeling too suicidal is pretty much out of the question, as is making up a fake story about how something stupid went wrong during the tour so I had to abort - a few days of rain or catching some blisters on my feet won't cut it as an excuse, at least not in my eyes.
Also, hiking and being alone in nature usually cheers me up; I'd need to do that anyway because at the moment I'm not good for much, apart from sitting in front of a computer or TV screen. Probably nothing will happen anyway since I'm a big coward, but I just can't stop imagining coming across the perfect spot and running towards it...
Well, damn it. I have no idea what to do, what to think or what to feel.
Chris
Now the fun part: Tomorrow I'll start on a solo-hike through the alps for two weeks. This is pretty much the perfect opportunity to kill myself in a way that looks like an accident to everybody who cares for me. In the past months I've been fantasizing about all the ways I could kill myself on such a tour through the mountains; also, I took special care to not make my condition known to anybody around me, apart from appearing a bit grumpy at times when I couldn't help it maybe. Well, I'm usually grumpy even when I'm not (that) suicidal, so I don't think anybody took notice at all, I was acting fairly normal I suppose. Yesterday, though, I've had a rather alarming dream about an alpine suicide attempt in which I, while already in the middle of it all, decided that I wanted to live. The feeling of fear was rather intense, and I woke up from that feeling rather worried and confused. So, maybe I shouldn't go for the trip at all - this on the other hand would feel VERY upsetting to me as soon as I'd have to face all the people back home whom I have told about my trip and how much I was looking forward to it. Admitting to them that I've stopped because I was feeling too suicidal is pretty much out of the question, as is making up a fake story about how something stupid went wrong during the tour so I had to abort - a few days of rain or catching some blisters on my feet won't cut it as an excuse, at least not in my eyes.
Also, hiking and being alone in nature usually cheers me up; I'd need to do that anyway because at the moment I'm not good for much, apart from sitting in front of a computer or TV screen. Probably nothing will happen anyway since I'm a big coward, but I just can't stop imagining coming across the perfect spot and running towards it...
Well, damn it. I have no idea what to do, what to think or what to feel.
Chris
) bike on the road, doing more sports, getting all the boring adult stuff done like health insurance, and so on. Also I really want to go spend some time outside of bloody Germany for a change, like studying abroad for a year or so, but haven't done any preparation in that regard yet either. 