dilemma

Am in a bit of a pressing situation right now and thought I'd at least let someone know, I'm not talking about this with anybody I know in real life since I figure it would put a great strain on them. The thing is, my life at the moment looks far from rosy. I've had suicidal thoughts and plans since I was about 12 (so that's 15 years by now), and the past few months since about march have been an increasingly bad time again. It feels very much like not killing myself is a temporary solution to a permanent problem.
Now the fun part: Tomorrow I'll start on a solo-hike through the alps for two weeks. This is pretty much the perfect opportunity to kill myself in a way that looks like an accident to everybody who cares for me. In the past months I've been fantasizing about all the ways I could kill myself on such a tour through the mountains; also, I took special care to not make my condition known to anybody around me, apart from appearing a bit grumpy at times when I couldn't help it maybe. Well, I'm usually grumpy even when I'm not (that) suicidal, so I don't think anybody took notice at all, I was acting fairly normal I suppose. Yesterday, though, I've had a rather alarming dream about an alpine suicide attempt in which I, while already in the middle of it all, decided that I wanted to live. The feeling of fear was rather intense, and I woke up from that feeling rather worried and confused. So, maybe I shouldn't go for the trip at all - this on the other hand would feel VERY upsetting to me as soon as I'd have to face all the people back home whom I have told about my trip and how much I was looking forward to it. Admitting to them that I've stopped because I was feeling too suicidal is pretty much out of the question, as is making up a fake story about how something stupid went wrong during the tour so I had to abort - a few days of rain or catching some blisters on my feet won't cut it as an excuse, at least not in my eyes.
Also, hiking and being alone in nature usually cheers me up; I'd need to do that anyway because at the moment I'm not good for much, apart from sitting in front of a computer or TV screen. Probably nothing will happen anyway since I'm a big coward, but I just can't stop imagining coming across the perfect spot and running towards it...

Well, damn it. I have no idea what to do, what to think or what to feel.

Chris

 

You have to be honest with your family it is the only right thing to do
You tell them where you will be hiking okay maybe get a friend to go along with you You say it increases you mood so that is good take a friend along be safe and enjoy living okay

 

Agrees with Total!
if you really can't renege on the whole trip, take someone with you. :hug:

 

Well, I just thought I should add that, since my father yesterday blew my cover by finding me surving on this forum, I've pretty much promised myself to not do anything serious on the trip, since it would be unfair to him (even if he didn't take that seriously right now, he'd probably think it was a cry for help or something if anything should happen on this trip). My train is going in an hour or so, have a good one everybody!

Chris

 

Have a good time Chris enjoy okay hugs

 

Enjoy it Chris and let us know how things are going if you get the chance to do so!

I wish I was with you buddy! - Alps must be amazing.

PM me if things get rough - I added you as a friend - well, British and Germans? We should be mates! Next War - we will team up and kick someone's ass!

Good luck mate.

Enjoy!

 

Well, thanks for the kind words and offers, everybody! I am back already... unhurt, apart from some blisters and similar to-be-expected problems. My planned route wasn't as fun as I expected it to be - I followed the Via Claudia Augusta, which turned out to consist of paved roads for about 80% - guess I shouldn't shy away from actual mountains as much when hiking in the Alps, right? Also, with my inabilty to put myself into suicide-phantasy-induced relaxation mode, I found it quite hard to ignore that I got a whole lot of work left to do back at University - all combined, I just couldn't get into the trip as much as I wanted to. So after I did hurt my ankle as well when going up a boulderfield, and with two not very exciting daytrips ahead of me before the next fun pass crossing (Reschenpass), I just called it quits and started to move back home after only 5 days. Overall, I decided that I should stop my long distance hiking ambitions in favor of doing more intense 3-day trips in the future. I sort of got bored, even though the weather was perfect, the panorama was great and even the people I met were nothing but the friendliest guys imaginable.

Better news however, I am pretty much back in my old shape, stopping suicidal thoughts right when they start to form (and I had quite an opportunity to practice, with all the mountains around). Am not quite back in shape for planning and working on all the things I was running away, though. Finalizing my completely chaotic Bachelor's degree and starting my Master's is priority #1, followed by financial independence and a whole array of smaller projects, such as selling my old car, getting my new(-ish, it was made in 1990 actually ) bike on the road, doing more sports, getting all the boring adult stuff done like health insurance, and so on. Also I really want to go spend some time outside of bloody Germany for a change, like studying abroad for a year or so, but haven't done any preparation in that regard yet either.
So yes, the ToDo is a rather long read, and it's the boiled-down version already - all based on the assumption that I really want to and can follow the career path I've chosen so far, which from time to time I'm getting positively panicky about, and of course not including all the time-consuming extras that might occur, like having all sorts of relationships (social, friendly, sexual) with people, or any set-backs on the way that might occur, such as having a car or bike accident, being sued for going about my business as it is becoming the fashion pretty much everywhere, or witnessing the civilized world fall into a finance-induced spiral of self-destruction as it might seem to be the case right now, and so bloody on. Oh well, that's life, or so they say.

Chris

 

Welcome back, Chris! Was wondering how that trip went the other day... so glad you had a chill time! :hug:

Good wishes, always.